Rant 274 30/9/12 Subject: 'The Room'

Rant number 274

Last week, someone told me about 'The Room.'

We were talking about woefully terrible films. I of course brought up - the classic terrible film of terrible films - a movie called 'Plan 9 From Outer Space.' Which is a terrible mess of a film and yet a joy to watch. This has given it a cult following of sorts. Theres even a brilliant film about its making - called 'Ed Wood' (Directed by Tim Burton & Starring Jonny Depp.)

The other person (one of my work colleagues) assured me that 'The Room' was far worse. I disagreed (believing foolishly that I'd seen the worst film I possibly could already.

How wrong I was.

Today - I did not watch the Room. My life is too short for me to sit down and make a conscious effort to waste time making myself miserable.
A visitor however, put on a comedic review of The Room - which featured a great deal of its scenes and content - interjected with some funny reactions.

In total then, I think that I tolerated around 10 minutes of the films appalling content - and can quantifiably confirm that:

Should you make the effort of watching The Room, you will:

• Want to kill yourself afterwards
• Loose no less than 30 points of your IQ
• Loose 99 minutes of your life you will never ever get back
• Want to set fire to all involved - your DVD player, your TV, the cables between the two, your sofa, your carpet, your living room and finally your whole fucking house - just to get rid of the applying memories of the mind numbing shit you have just viewed.

Just from the bits I saw, the acting is legendary in its ineptness. I swear to you - that I've seen more convincing renderings of character in my Cousin's Nativity plays (and I'll be honest to you - I always have struggled to feel 'lost' in the story when children are shouting, chewing their costumes and mumbling their lines.)

I've seen bad acting on TV, on the stage and in soaps before - and I don't understand how these people get to be in the positions they are in with so little talent. The Room however, is something completely different. The main character (Actor, Director, Producer) Tommy Wiseau - alone, is worse than anything I have ever seen - ever. Which in itself is impressive.

In summary, do not watch the Room, ever. 

I've warned you. 

Really. 

I'm not kidding. 

I mean - go out and do it if you want. 

I'm not your mum. 

I'm not forbidding you.

If you want to turn your own brain into silly putty.

Go ahead and do it.

I've made my feelings clear.

Stop going on about it.

Alright.

Right.

That's it now.

I'm not going to continue further.

That's it now.

Right then.

Ok...

Rant over.

Rant 273 29/9/12 Subject: Taking the piss

Rant number 273


Some people really don't understand when they have been given something - they really can't complain. We are doing a band job for charity tonight - which I very happy to do.

The thing is though, that the evening was due to start at 8 and was then put back to 8.15. It now emerges they want us here till midnight.

In the nicest possibly way - that really is taking the piss. We are doing the job for free - and you are expecting us to be here for twice a usual concert duration.

A similar situation often comes up at work. You try and do someone a favour - to which you become beholden to it and they carry on complaining. It really doesn't always pay to be nice it seems.

I don't understand why people can't understand when they are asking too much of someone. It's not fair or right to be like this.

Rant over.

Rant 272 28/9/12 Subject: Supermarket versions of food

Rant number 272

Me and the wife have finally got a bit of good news today - so we're in a good mood!

To celebrate this - we decided to have a nice meal - and something a bit different.

Well - I did anyway.

The wife really likes pizza. Like really likes pizza (I think she would eat it for every meal if she could you know!)

I like pizza too - but I also like a big wedge of meat from time to time.

As a special treat, the wife picked me out some BBQ ribs. I Love ribs - they are one of the best types of meat going.

In a good restaurant - BBQ ribs can be a simple but truly astonishingly tasty.

So how can supermarket ones be so disappointing?

They weren't awful - but they were far from exceptional. They tasted a bit bland really - with a blob of slightly vinegary honey stuff in the middle.

I don't know why I expected anything else I suppose - because supermarket versions of things are never  as good as their home made or restaurant counterparts.

Curry for instance, is not rocket science. Buy one in a takeaway and you will feel just fantastic - but buy one in a supermarket and you will wonder what all the heartburn was for. It seems like supermarkets replace taste with more heat - or create mind numbingly bland options.

Chilli suffers the same way. Burgers loose their meatiness (and are padded with sawdust) and every thing just tastes more subdued.

Eat proper food - don't be let down!

Rant over.

Rant 271 27/9/12 Subject: The electric car dilemma

 Rant number 271

Today - using a car called 'Nemesis,' (good name for a roller coaster - shit name for a car!) a group in Elvington near York (apparently one of the only places not under water!) set a new record in an electric car.

They took a Lotus Exige took all of the petrol guzzling gubbins out - and replaced it with electromobobic stuff and got it to an impressive 151.6mph - which is almost as fast as a high specced normal Exige without all the gubbins removed and replacing with electrimibobs!

I like that people are having a go at this kind of thing. This joins the Tesla brand of motors in trying to put together an electric car that doesn't look try and either reinvent the who look of cars - such as the Gee Whiz (for which ownership should be punishable by having to watch an Anne Widecombe & Gordon Brown sex tape until your eyes fall out.) - which is just about one of the worst looking things I have ever seen - ever.

Like really - what the fuck were they thinking of. My car (a VW lupo which is small and blue) is not exactly one of the most attractive cars ever made. None the less - it doesn't make me want to pour scalding bleach into my eye sockets.

I have had more attractive bowel movements than this monstrosity of a car design

There there are the electric cars that kind of look right - but like there is something wrong with them because they have 'saved the space where the engine should be'

The thing is - cars have looked beautiful with engines for years. If you want me to look at one of these cars and think - that looks nice; try starting with tried and testing - don't start making it look like the 70s idea of futuristic.

Still ugly - but not bleach drinkingly so.

The problem I have with electric cars though - is the power plant problem. My currently car can hold enough petrol in it to do 250 miles (bearing in mind it has a tiny tank and many cars can do much more!) and I can fill a tank in about 2-3minutes at a petrol pump.

The average electric car can do about 50-70 miles on a full charge - and that charge will take about 12 fucking hours. For me, that just doesn't really make it a viable option at all - unless you can afford to have several batteries and keep them constantly on charge.

Don't get me wrong - I want the electric car (like the top one - not the fucking Gee Wiz (if you own one, I would like to say that you have no taste and I hope you are very fucking ashamed of yourself)) to triumph - but I want the effort to be made to make it a practical world item that is fast - efficient and fun.

I don't want it to make me want to wear a burka so that no-one knows its me.

And don't get me started on hybrids - which are actually really uneconomical and only own by pricks who think they will save the world by using recycled toilet roll. Prius owners- I'm talking to you.

In fact, between the Prius and the Gee wiz - it's kind of hard to pick which is worse!

Rant over.

Rant 270 26/9/12 Subject: Losing sleep

Rant number 270

If there is one thing that pisses me off - its things that mess with my sleep pattern.

I'm a bit of a night owl by nature really. I really wake up of an evening and hate to surface in the daylight.

What with being part of the working world however - I can't help having to go to sleep at a sensible time - and wake up ridiculously early (or approximately 7am.)

As such - I need to get at least a sensible amount of hours of a night.

For reasons I am not going to go into however, my sleep pattern was disrupted yesterday. You see, when things go badly in your life, your brain likes to bring them up - just when its time for you to bed down for the night.

Surely - whatever the situation, your body needs you to sleep - otherwise it stops working. In fact it just gets more useless.

Thus - its in your bodies interest to allow you to sleep - not flood you with rubbish!

It's very frustrating, it really is!

Rant over.

Rant 269 25/9/12 Subject: C word specials in the Autumn.

Rant number 270

What fucking month is it? Really. It's September, it's not even officially winter (though bear in mind it has been raining for 48 hours - so maybe it's kind of there.)

Why then, is there a Christmas bloody special on.

I know I've already ranted about this subject this month roughly - but I didn't cover specials - so there you go.

Bearing in mind that the Simpsons has been going on since 1989 and has 508 episodes - you'd think that they could pick one that wouldn't make me livid with rage. I don't want to see Christmas content now - it just cheapens the whole thing.

I turned the TV on to watch a bit of escapist yellow cartoon - and I got an inappropriate and shoddily chosen episode. I'm no TV programmer - but surely someone should be getting fired right about now?

Rant over.

Rant 268 24/9/12 Subject: Urban myth

Rant number 268

The subject of superglue yesterday got me thinking. That's right- even rants can inspire rants.

Believe it or not, I do like to research some bits of my rants - so as not to look like a complete tit - by getting on my soapbox unjustly.

Yesterday was just such an occasion.

You see- I'd been told (quite possibly by my history teacher) that super glue was invented in the second world war - to replace stitches on the battle field. I looked this up so as to verify said - only to find that it was bullshit and nothing but an urban myth.

The person who told me must have believe this to tell me (unless they were messing with me - which is doubtful.) That being the case then - a made up fact has become popular 'knowledge.'

Another is a local one - in Yorkshire near Huddersfield. There is a large motorway nearby - called the M62. The M62 is quite unique in 2 ways:

A) It has the unusual accolade of being the highest motorway in the country.

B) It has a farm in the middle of it.

That's right - there is a farm in the middle of the motorway - mental right!?

The local myth that I was told, was that the farmer was offered a great deal of money to relocate and refused - leaving him with this rather unique situation.

The truth is though - that the lay of the land meant that the road had to run the way it does anyway - so the farmer wasn't offered the option.

Theres others too out there - like the one about the daddy long legs being the most poisonous spider - but with no mouth parts to apply its venom. That's just stupid!

How do these myths start. Who passes them off as truth to start with?

It's a real puzzle!

Rant over.

Rant 267 23/9/12 Subject: Superglue

Rant number 267

I've been being creative today! I've been making a gift for my wife.

Like many creative activities this involved quite a lot of making holes in things (I used a kitchen skewer, two different pairs of scissors (one of which I snapped) and a large sharp kitchen knife) and of course joining things together.

The weapon of choice for joining things together for me - as with any person, is glue.

I had some paper and cardboard to join - which was easy - I used pritt stick.

For the more complex parts, I had to use the titular product: super glue.

Now, superglue is great for joining stuff together that doesn't want to join. It makes a really tough and permanent bond in fact.

This strength is one of its advantages. It is however, also one of its disadvantages for the inexperienced gluer.

Superglue, was invented during the second world war and was initially rejected for sticking to just about everything - an undesirable feature for weapons manufacturer.

Every time that I work with superglue, I end up glueing various different parts of my hands and fingers - which feels just terrible. I want to join stuff together - but not me! It's also nearly impossible to remove from your fingers - so you end up with a hard chitinous layer on your fingers.

This stuff won't come off for bloody days - and I'll end up picking at it. Even as I type, I am acutely aware that the ends of my fingers feel just too hard to be comfortable.

Bloody glue!

Rant over.

Rant 266 22/9/12 Subject: Things that drag on

Rant number 266

I have just now got back from a concert - for which I left home at 20 past 5 today.

That's quite a lot of bloody time!

Now don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the concert. The band played well and so did the group we were with. I just feel that the concert itself (which started at around 8pm and went on until nearly 11) was a little overlong.

As much as anything, its given me rather a meagre amount of time to rant in - which means this one is going to be on the shorter side.

It's a general annoyance to me when things just carry on for too long. The 3rd part of the Lord of the Rings for instance - which comes in at a bladder busting 3 hours and 20 minutes (the extended edition goes over 4!) is a great movie - but could be better with some trimming.

There really is such a thing as too much of a good thing - and sometimes it sours things a little!

Bearing in mind the time and the above statement, I think I'll make that it for this evening.

Rant over.

Rant 265 21/9/12 Subject: Toning it down

Rant number 265

It's probably a bit of a surprise to some or all of you, but the Trum you would meet in real life is very much the same one you can read on the screen. I do still get angry, I do go off on rants, I do use some of the oddest imagery imaginable and I am a bit of a sarky git at times.

I'd like to think its part of my charm - and my quintessential me-ness.

Even at work, I can be guilty of ranting about subjects and going off on really quite mad tangents. This week for instance - I talked about the ridiculousness of Dick Van Dykes 'cockerney' accent in Mary Poppins (or as he would have it Maewee Pawpeens,) and covered the subjects of complaining to companies & salespeople. I'd like to say that this was an accessional thing, but really it was kinda normal.

At work, we've been well overdue some new staff - and over the last week and a half we've had two new starters - which is great.

The important thing about new people is of course - to train them to a good standard. Otherwise you are doing yourself no favours to yourself or the new folk!

Our company not being huge, we deal with the training of staff within our own team. Usually I try and leave this to the other members of the team, who are better at these things - and less grumpy. I have however had to spend a couple of days training over the last fortnight - which means I have to be 'nice Trum.'

Nice Trum doesn't come out very often at all. It's not that he's neglected per se, he just isn't quite as noisy and in your face as the normal me. He has a little 'box' of sorts in my head where he likes to stay, safe and quiet.

When I have to meet new people in a work based situation or be around a group of strangers where I cannot be too ostentatious - I have to bring him out however, blinking into the bright light - bleary eyed and flinching at each and every loud noise.

It's very hard to tone down your personality when it is - by definition - ones personality.
This has meant that the last few days has been difficult. I got to be me in little patches - but I've also had to hold back and ramp up the standard levels of insanity.

I'm off training next week hopefully - so with any luck I can just get back to sitting in the corner and gradually plotting evil. Crossed fingers!

Rant over.

Rant 264 20/9/12 Subject: People that don't know how to apologise properly

Rant number 264

I'm sure that you have heard Nick Cleggs 'apology' by now - either as a standard recording or as an autotuned remix.

Either way - I am reliably informed that a good way to get that disgusting taste out of your mouth is a combination of borax, iodine, laudanum and surgical spirit.

I am almost lost for words...almost. I'm fucking well not though - I'm livid.

Nick Clegg, a man with the charisma and appeal of a white dog turd has done very little to endear himself as the Liberal Democrat leader. For a start - he put his middle finger up to everyone who voted for them - by getting into bed with their supposed rivals.

It wasn't even like they went in for an equal partnership of course - no, Nick Clegg has never ever been more than David's bitch.

He's been a delightful fall guy from the start too, transposing his already non-existent appeal into genuine repulsion.

Maybe sensing that many of his voters were a 'little' disappointed with him, he's been a big man and said 'sorry.' Which I would respect him for if it wasn't so woefully underhandedly halfhearted.

You see, back at the baby-kissing stage, where they will promise you anything in exchange for your cross in the right box they said 'Vote for us and we will vote against any raise in tuition fees.'
People did vote for them (stupidly, me included - set of bastards), and and they didn't - which is really kind of shit.

Nick didn't go on record today to apologise for going back on his promise. He went on record to apologise for making the promise in the first place.

That Nick Clegg - You fucking cunt is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination.

If I say to you that you smell like a sewer, then apologise for telling you - that's still insulting, because I've only apologised for the words - not the sentiment. I may not be privately educated like Nick Clegg but I am quite able to understand how pathetically insincere your apology is.

As for gaining my trust again. You never had it in the first place. If a politician looked me in the eye and told me that the grass was green - I'd have to check it hadn't changed colour.

You may have thought you could gain some trust back - but you've managed to alienate me further. A round of applause for that matey - I really didn't think it was possible.

Nick Clegg - simply: Take your apology, print it out - then mail it to someone who gives a fuck.

Rant over.

Rant 263 19/9/12 Subject: The way people act in movies

Rant number 263

We all love a bit of escapism now and then. I'm a big fan of movies (but only the good ones. I really hate being cheated out of my time watching bad ones.)

I particularly like horror movies - or at at least, the original ones. In truth though - horror movies have become increasingly unoriginal through the last decade or so, so it's getting harder and harder to really enjoy them.

One problem though, has plagued horror movies since their genesis:

No-one ever acts anything like real people - or certainly not real people with an ounce of sense.

I'll be honest to you - although movies don't particular scare me: scary noises, unusual events and even the dark are prone to giving me the willies! Even in the comfort of my home, a place of safety where I am in familiar surroundings I can get a little bit of a cold feeling down my neck for no apparent reasons.

Fear is - after all, part of our sense of self preservation - if you didn't have it, you would probably not last long.

Like the bloody idiots in horror films.

If I was in unfamiliar surroundings and the lights went out - the first thing I would probably do would be to turn on my mobile phone torch or the LED in my car key (have you ever noticed that they never have any form of luminescence on them?) in order to locate something more substantial to light the room with.

I would then probably have a look to see if there was a fuse box/trip switch (have you ever noticed that they never have trip switches in movies, its always like seriously old school fuses, like they haven't put into houses for bloody years.)

Whilst looking, if I heard a scary noise - I would probably return to the safety of my group of friends to investigate together or - if I was alone, I would head for a safe place or the kitchen for some form of weapon. I certainly wouldn't start calling out for one of my friends/loved ones - following shadows running  away like idiots do in the movies.

'Is that you John','Why are you running away John','John where are you going','Oh you aren't John','Aaarrrrggghhhh!

If I was a petite cheerleader (yes, that does take some imagination,) and I heard a scary noise outside, I'd lock the doors and windows, turn on all the lights, arm myself and call the police (using my mobile - see my previous point.) I certainly wouldn't be heading outside in my nightgown to investigate a scary sound. It's scary for a reason love, it's a serial killing vampire badger or something.

Finally - I must cover the subject of Sex. In horror movies they do often have sex - its one of those cardinal rules (sex = you die.) That's kind of a raw deal - as most horror films are stocked with lusty teenagers who want to have sex (and thus die.) Half the reason is surely the venues they choose for their trystings.

Dark creepy woods are not a place to have sex! Especially not when you have broken and entered your way into a forbidden place of some sort. If you stay somewhere called 'Camp Dread' or 'Lake Killsyouhorribly' its probably not really a holiday destination - particularly not for some 'Alfresco loving.'

Do it in bed in your house and you will probably be OK - mostly. Though there are some exceptions in the movies. That's more of a horror film logic thing than proof that sex will kill you. 

I just wish people in horror films wouldn't spend so much time doing it wrong. 

They make it far too easy for the bad guys really - they really do deserve to have their characters killed off.

Rant over.

Rant 262 18/9/12 Subject: Paparazzi perverts

Rant number 262

I think I've made it pretty clear in the past that I am not a great royalist really. They aren't any mightier or better than anyone else.

As such, I have been listened to the reports about Kate Middleton with only minor amusement.

In general however, its got me thinking about the paparazzi.

If I go out with a telephoto lens tomorrow and take some pictures of a lady sunbathing topless in her garden, or her balcony or through her window I'm going to get arrested surely.

So the question is? When does a paparazzi photographer become a peeping Tom?

For years and years, its become the norm to stalk celebrities and take pictures of them in various compromising positions: Why is it OK for someone to take these photos of you, only if you are famous? Its surely a loophole that we need to seal up.

It's not like Kate Middleton was on a beach somewhere with her baps out. She was on a balcony in private property - and someone had to use a massive telephoto lens to get the photos. If that's not peeping then I don't know what the hell is.

I know that some concessions are being made now - but its a bit like closing the gate once the animals have escaped now. The pics are out there and the damage is done.

I think its about time that someone starts locking these perverts up!

Rant over.

Rant 261 17/9/12 Subject: Must haveism

Rant number 261

I must confess for the start that I am a happy iPhone user. I have an iPhone 4S, from which I am practically inseparable. I wake up in the morning with the phone buzzing away on the bedside table. I then check any overnight emails on it, check Facebook & Twitter on it - and continue this pattern throughout the day.

I like my iPhone and its abilities and, as such - I've been following with moderate interest the imminent release of the iPhone 5. There were many rumours about what it was going to do - nearly all of which were better than the reality of the newest iteration. They've taken an iPhone 4s, given it some steroids - to make it more super powerful and all that, put it on a diet - to make it thinner - then made it longer.

I've got to be honest, the newest version seems rather underwhelming, bearing in mind that I had no plans to buy one at the moment anyway.

What is ridiculous however, is the fact that a queue of people is currently camped outside of an Apple store (6 days before launch) just to be the first to own the item.

If your life is so empty, that your only sense of achievement can come from being the first to own someone else's product - then you really do need to get a life - majorly.

You may think that your peers will be insanely jealous of your new product - and maybe they will be.

If they are however, they are just as fucking sad as you are.

As much as anything - if I can just throw this in there: the first versions of any pieces of technology, are a sort of beta test: making them susceptible to bugs both software and hardware based.

Seriously, waiting for a couple of weeks until the next batch comes out really would be better in pretty much any way, and the fact that you are the first to have one will be impressive for about the first week since release - if at all.

If you know anyone queueing up out there, retweet this at them. I'd be more than interested in hearing their thoughts on the matter.

Rant over.

Rant 260 16/9/12 Subject: The 'C' Word in September

Rant number 260

Today, which is to say - the 16th of September. Let's just reiterate that - the 16th of September. Some unmitigated idiot had the gaul to mention Christmas - in (just incase you haven't got the message thus far) fucking September.

Call me a grinch, a miserable git or whatever you like - but I don't really give a flying fuck that it is now 100 days to Christmas - as there are 100 days do go. Not 5, not 10, 100. That's nearly a 3rd of a year. Don't start harping on about it now.

I get it that some people are really obsessed with the Christmas thing. I for my own reasons however, am not really that fussed.

I do enjoy the season in some ways when it comes to the big day and the few days surrounding it. I like the food, spending the time with my wife and picking out the perfect gifts and seeing her face light up.

What I really fucking hate though, is the build-up - which gets earlier and earlier every year. I don't want to hear about it now, I think it really cheapens the whole thing if it needs to have a four months of people talking about how awesome its going to be. When you are are a kid I get that you need to start on about how great its all going to be. As a grown adult, there are surely other things to look at.

The shops do it too. I've heard tell that advent calendars have made it into some shops. ADVENT FUCKING CALENDARS!

Am I the only one has a problem with calendars specifically made for 24 days which are still about 80 days away being sold now. What's the fucking rush. It's not like they are going to run out of the sodding things is it - they'll be selling them still in mid December.

If you feel a need to buy an advent calendar this week, I suggest you do - turn it sideways and sit it. Otherwise, you keep Christmas to what it should be. A special time to enjoy with your family in December.

Just as an aside - if you mention Christmas on Facebook on Twitter this week (except for comedic purposes,) I will block you/delete you/hurl abuse at you.

That is all.

Rant over.

Rant 259 15/9/12 Subject: Coach journeys

Rant number 259

Yes, it's another one of those transport based rants. Really I would love to get from A-B without having to put up with all of the C floating imbetween.

Ive been helping out a band today an part of the journey has been by coach. So what is it I hate about coaches?

To start with, coaches are just like buses that you hire - and thusly they have some of the same pitfalls to bear. Just because you are part of a group or people, it doesn't really guarantee that you are going to want to spend any number of travelling hours with them in the confines of a coach.

Then there is the fact that coaches are cramped. It's like being in an aeroplane that moves along the ground instead of flying through the clouds. You never get enough leg room to be comfortable (bearing in mind that I am famously a man with really quite short legs) or bottom room - if you share with any grown adult.

Then there is the most exasperating way that all coaches are described as 'luxury' - which is code for hot and cold running air and a seat adjuster. In what other context would that be considered as luxury?

Then there is the speed, coach journeys always take longer than they should - even though they've only got to go from A to B.

I shall be glad when I arrive, that's for sure!

Rant over.

Rant 258 14/9/12 Subject: The 'Anti-Islam' Film

Rant number 258

On the way home from work - in my newly re-MOT'd car (yay) I popped the radio onto BBC radio 4. This is something I've been doing increasing over the proceeding weeks. Maybe it's an age thing.

I caught it half way through the news, talking about the 'Anti-Islam' Film debacle.

Oh my, what a disaster.

For anyone not aware, someone (it seems that there has not really been a confirmation of whom yet, though some names have been mention) has created a seriously racially insensitive movie called 'The Innocence of Islams'

Although I have not seen it and have not any desire to do so, the BBC have written a handy little critique online, of what's pissing people off. By all accounts, the film portrays Islam as 'A religion of Violence and hate' and more importantly their prophet as a foolish power hungry man.

That it is forbidden by their religion, to portray their prophet at all - let alone satirise him, really does stick badly in the craws of those who worship.

I understand their frustration and annoyance, I really do. I understand that they want justice and that they want the persons involved punishing for their disrespect.

What I don't however agree with, is them reacting by smashing, burning and attacking the embassies of the USA, the UK and the Germans. They have also burned flags and even an effigy of Barack Obama.

Guess fucking what? The government did not make these movies - someone in the country made the fucking thing. We certainly weren't involved, and nor were the Germans.

Also, lets be fair - if you are unhappy with being misrepresented as having a naive and violent religion - burning and attacking and violence probably isn't the way to go about things.

Five people have died now! Because some spiteful idiot has tried to get a reaction out of a group of people - and hasn't he fucking succeeded.

I hope he's pleased with himself. He's killed five so far and put hundreds of people in danger. I sure as hell would not want to be walking around any Islamic nations right now.

It's going to get worse too. If the Americans do find the guy involved, the Islamic nations are going to want him to be extradited to face their justice - which I can't imagine the Americans are going to go for.

Lets just hope it doesn't escalate any further, what a mess.

Rant over.

Rant 257 13/9/12 Subject: The cost of car bits

Rant number 257

My car is slightly poorly again. This time, no animals or other obstacles have been involved. This time, its simply a case of her (yes my car is a she, what of it?) age and the general wear and tear that cars are subject to.

Her exhaust has basically corroded until it has developed a hole; a result of the salt and grit used to clear the snowy roads in winter no doubt.

Then there are a couple of little bits and bobs that will need doing soon - which haven't been done yet.

The thing is though, that everything you look at, or don't see, or don't even recognise the existence of in a car - has a fair cash value - even on an old car.

For instance, I needed a new cover for a wing mirror - a please of plastic, probably worth pence. £15+Vat - ouch. As for the exhaust, the cost of this has not been yet confirmed. It's probably going to hurt though.

Then there is the fitting of the part to take into account, plus the service & MOT that also need doing.

Its just one of those things I suppose. It's never going to be cheap to get a car fixed - because the manufacturers make bits more and more bespoke - so that they can charge a premium.

It's going to be an expensive week!

Anyone want to buy a kidney?

Rant over.

Rant 256 12/9/12 Subject: Losing stuff

Rant number 256

It is a universal truth, that stuff is always easy to find when you don't need it. It really is.
My tool box for instance, was knocking around by my side of the sofa for months. I knew where it was, but I didn't really need it.

As soon as I think to myself however, that I need to put a nail in the wall - to fit a telephone upon it: the bloody tool box evaporates. How blood irritating is that!

Either my wife or myself has tidied it away somewhere nice and safe: so safe that we can't find the bloody thing. Low and behold though, as soon as I bite the bullet and buy another, it will materialise itself back into a cupboard - where I'm looking for something else I can't bloody find.

It must be something to doing with converting short term memories into long term memories - I reckon that some kind of brain gremlin sometimes throws a spanner in the works somewhere along the lines, causing no end of bloody problems.

I should probably do one of them Derren Brown mind map things, but I would probably forget something even more useful than where I've put my toolbox.

It's the same as work, finding stuff. It's not that I don't know where stuff is - as I have a reasonable system of boxes to keep things together. I do however have a rather large tub in which all my small parts are. I look in there to get one particular small part and it hides behind all the other parts!

I'm sure it's something to doing with yet more evil little gremlins. Little sods!

If you spot any of those, give them a kick for me.

Rant over.

Rant 255 11/9/12 Subject: Pride

Rant number 255

There has been more talk of the exam scandal today. It's starting to make sense now why Ofqual (the board in charge of British school exams) have not been getting involved in the row about the moved exam gate posts.

It's simple really: they're the ones who made the decision in the first place, and they've gone too far to change back now.

This happens to all of us from time to time - even your humble rantist, believe it or not.

Sometimes, it seems best to make a hard decision, to stick to your guns and dig your heels in. Hiding behind your rules or principals, that's an easy thing to do. In truth though, it can be a problem in the end.
You see, there is no way - once you have taken a hard line - to give in, without sacrificing your pride or loosing face. These are things that I hate doing! In fact: I, you and just about everyone else hate doing that.

Which is why this GCSE argument is not going to end any time soon.

You see, they made their choice to move the gateposts when they did. It might have been right - it might have been wrong, but its done now.

People can whine and shout now, they can appeal upon the good nature of Ofqual. Whatever happens though, Ofqual can't give in. They have the pride of their organisation at stake - and by giving in and saying they did wrong, they will only overshadow any decision they have ever made. You can't do that, and however undesirable the situation, they just have to lie in their bed now.

There doesn't seem to be any way of fixing the problem now, thousands of kids feel hard done by - while the body simply feels they were treated fairly - whilst those who took their exams earlier had an unfair advantage.

It boggles the mind, being trapped by pride in this way.

It is a 'deadly' sin for good reason. Who knows how this argument will end now!

Rant over.

Rant 254 10/9/12 Subject: Downpours

Rant number 254

Today was warm and sunny, with just a teensy bit of cloud. Fair enough, it did darken throughout the day, but I still thought it was going to be a relatively balmy evening. I even had to briefly shut the blinds at work - to prevent being blinded by the bright sun.

On travelling home, the sky did open a little however, when I got home it had almost stopped and was just having a bit of a drizzle.

That's fine. I'm a British person - a bit of rain never hurt me.

Except, as soon as I left my house an hour later - the rain had become a downpour.

I swear it was like the entire sky had taken a diuretic and was just determined to soak me through to the skin. It also made driving to band an interesting experience! The M62 - a motorway not notorious for draining well went from wet road to practically swimming pool. My windscreen washers too completely outclassed and outgunned by the downpour.

I just don't understand how quite such bloody rain can fall in one day! It was practically biblical. The rain - which eased off during band, also started again - just as I was leaving! Meaning I had to repeat the experience - with the added dampness of having walked to my car.

It was like having a bucket dumped on you!

Rant over.

Rant 253 9/9/12 Subject: The end of the 'other sport'

Rant number 253

So here we are, the Paralympic closing ceremony which marks the end of it all. It's been brilliant couple of weeks of sport. Exciting and diverse, tense and nerve-wracking. It's been a time of highs - like gold after a gold and a time of disappointments too for those who missed out.

It's been a time where - for the first time in ages, there has pretty much been always something on. The spectacle of Usain Bolt in the 100 metres smashing the competition, the grace and beauty of the diving, the skill of the archers and the shooters. It's been a bloody brilliant couple of weeks.

It's bloody well over though now, and we have to go back to the same old schedules.

And that kinda sucks.

I'm not a fan of football - so that's not an option. That just leaves Rugby - which gets little coverage on standard TV (I'm not on Sky or Virgin,) Formula one - which is near to the close of the subject and very little else.

It just sucks to not have the variety of sports available to watch. I'm prefer to watch the odd sports than football any day.

It must be rubbish for the athletes too. They get a chance to be seen on TV maybe once a year (probably only once every four years really) and they are truly at the top of their game.

With any luck, the TV programmers will realise how popular the olympics have been and will bring back more of this kind of sport more often.

Not likely though alas.

Rant over.

Rant 252 8/9/12 Subject: One of lives ultimate questions

Rant number 252

Douglas Adams once answered 'the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything' with 42.
He decided that 42 was the answer, because - from assessing all other numbers, he found it the funniest.

In truth though, it doesn't really answer 'that' question at all. Because it mainly answers the answers to: what is seven times six or what happens when you take eight from fifty.

In my opinion, to this great question would have to come in the form of words, as opposed to numbers (and an integer at that!) I believe that in truth, it would take many numbers indeed to come up with a satisfactory answer to the question. That's presuming of course that anyone at all (even God himself) could answer the question.

By now of course, you will all understand the question I'm referring to:

'Why does cake batter always taste better than cake?'

The ingredients are the same and the added heat should really just augment this. It doesn't though.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a man who likes a bit of cake. I'll eat pretty much any type in fact (as long as their isn't too much in the way of icing.)

It just seems that when cake is being prepared - it's always that little bit... cakier maybe? I can't put my finger on it.

Why do these questions have to exist in life, buzzing like flies in my brain.

It's not like the simple to answer ones like 'why do they sell hot-dogs in packs of 8 but buns in packs of 6?' that's just simple marketing evil.

No, it's more along the question of 'why does the bad stuff have to taste so much better than the good stuff?' Another question for which I can offer you no answer more than convincing than:

'Because the world likes to torture you'

Science may have the Higgs Boson particle - but they don't have an answer for this!

Madness!

Rant over.

Rant 251 7/9/12 Subject: Pills and Potions

Rant number 251

Since the first caveman got clonked on the head by an angry mammoth, we've looked for ways to make our pain go away. In those days, people used 'magic' berries, roots and barks to stop the pain.

hundreds of years following this, medicine was the province of shamans, witches and wizards, healers men & the like - all people who came up with ways of relieving pain and 'curing' illness.

Over the years, this evolved -as did our understanding. We removed the magic and replaced it with science.

Now, one thing has been in common since money existed and since people needed healing. Prophet.

Why do anything for free, when you can sell it?

Which is where modern medicine often falls.

If you want to get well these days, you don't need to go and find a healer. You can go to any shop or pharmacist and buy a pill or powder or cream to improve your symptoms.

Which is really great in some ways.

The thing is though, that where money is involved, competition follows, which is the only reason I can think for all these new expensive variants.

Asprin is made from the bark of the willow tree. You can intact, relieve your symptoms by chewing upon this (although I'd probably just buy some aspirin) and works as a basic pain reliever. Then there is paracetamol, ibuprofen and various opiates such as codeine.

These need to be sold in a specific quantity and using specific concentrations, so there isn't much of a way to compete with someone else with these as standard.

But that doesn't stop brands trying. Paracetamol can cost you 45p for 16 tablets in the supermarket, or about £3.50 for a name brand. As for the difference? The tablets are printed with the brands logo.

Then there are 'liquid capsules' for 'faster action' and all that rubbish. It just strikes me as a good way to buy an expensive version for no reason!

Always read the label and find out what wool they are trying to pull over your eyes.

Rant over.

Rant 250 6/9/12 Subject: Round Tuits

Rant number 251

In life, there are many difficult things that need doing. Things that you need to do to survive and do the things you like. Things like tidying up and doing the washing and the washing up and the like.

We are all however, programmed to not want to do these things.

Why this is, I don't know. We are kings and queens of procrastination. We put things off and come up with excuses not to do them.

In short, we intend to get around to things - and often we don't get round to them.

This stretches through home life, leisure time and work - and the most irritating thing of all is that our round tuits affect each other.

At the moment, my life is being made very difficult by other peoples procrastinations and its kind of doing my nut in. I try not to put things off that affect other people if I can and I just expect the same courtesy.

Everyone can be guilty of not doing things until they really can't avoid them. I suppose it's just part of human nature to not want to do things until we absolutely must.

Lets all get rid of our round tuits. Let's hunt them to extinction.

Rant over.

Rant 249 5/9/12 Subject: Green on Blue

Rant number 250

In the past, I've made clear my thoughts on the Soldiers in the far east. I think that the soldiers are brave people who risk their lives, but I think that the assholes who keep them there are complete scum.

We spend millions on keeping them out there in the far east, where they are unwanted - in the name of 'peace keeping.'

I hate that term, 'peace keeping.' It's a good way of disguising 'war,' except it isn't all out shoot the bad guys - no it's dirtier and nastier. You see, when you are in the 'peace keeping' stage of a war, and your men are on the side of the 'goodies,' you need to play very fair - which makes them really vulnerable.

You see, whatever people say, in the peace keeping stage, you haven't won a war. Your governments have  just decided stop bashing each other quite so directly. Whatever governments say however, they can't change the way that people think or feel - so the war continues under the surface tacet but dirty.

The reason I'm back on the subject, is the issue of 'Green on Blue.' This is code for trainee 'police' and 'peace keepers' turning on those who are training them.

Which frankly, is fucking disgusting.

The soldiers are in a dangerous position. They're an unwanted nuisance to the locals - and they have a frankly thankless task. Luckily however, they get to pull out soon - in 2014 on the proviso that they have trained local forces to keep the peace.

That's all very well, but maybe - just maybe, they don't want to be trained to be our bitches? Maybe they just want to get close to our soldiers, like the bloody cowards they are?

Either way, we should just pull our people out of there, and leave the scumbags to their own devices.

Rant over.

Rant 248 4/9/12 Subject: Compulsory Upgrades

Rant number 248

Blogger has had a vulture circling me for quite a while. Quite a while indeed.

They've been working hard on a nice new interface for ages - and they've been suggesting since about May, that I should feel compelled to upgrade - because its brilliant and all that.

The thing is, I'm not one to fix anything that isn't broken - and I feel the same about the world around me. I'm also, for a man who is pretty technically astute, a reasonably reluctant adopter of new things - if I already have something to do that job.

I had a quick flick through the 'new' blogger interface back in May when they told me how fantastic it was going to be. It wasn't really very special, the new features didn't really seem to apply to me and it took me 10 minutes to find something I can usually find in an instant.

So why would I bother upgrading?

Only one reason. Because they are now going to imminently force me.

Great.

Now don't get me wrong. The tools are free, I'm grateful for that, I really am. If you are giving somebody something for free and you want to change what you offer, it's up to you.
I just don't understand why they can't keep the 'legacy' version for people who are happy with what they've already got.

It's like Facebook and their various iterations: most notably bloody timeline. They wanted you on timeline  badly! Really really badly! If you are on Facebook, you'll have noticed.

Firstly they asked: Would you like to update to timeline now? No... OK

Then they tricked you: You've signed into an application, that means you're going to have to have timeline.

Then they forced you: You've avoided the other tricks, we're going to put you on the fucker now anyway.

I can't say I much like it, but it's free - so what the hell. Why force you though? Probably something to doing with selling your personal information to martians or something.

They do it with iTunes and even your TV's or games consoles these days. It's a case of 'If you want to continue using it, you will have to upgrade!'

What a pain!

Rant over.

Rant 247 3/9/12 Subject: Rough Mondays

Rant number 247

As everyones favorite obese, orange, lasagne devouring cat would have it 'I don't like Mondays'

Mondays are a particularly poor day, within the week - mainly as they follow the weekend - which is a tall act to follow!

In general though, Monday seems to be a grey dinge of a day - and everyone feels the same.

Work is all that much harder on a Monday - because everyone who you speak to is in a bad mood.

Even when I worked weekends, Monday was a low point of the week. Even when it was my day off!

What is it about those 6 little letters and 24 hours that are so dingy and miserable! About the only upside of Mondays is band - which I do enjoy, but that's a Monday evening thing - rather than a Monday day thing.

I just wonder if there is some way that Monday can be made better. Some magic Monday based spell to de-grunge it!

If there is some way, no-one has told me yet.

Still only 47 minutes to go until Tuesday. I don't have any particular problem with Tuesday, other than the fact that it's not even humpday!

Rant over.

Rant 246 2/9/12 Subject: Printers

Rant number 246

Computers are a great way to make stuff these days. You can make nicely typed pages and chop and change bits, and you can make gorgeous photos and images. If you are more sciency, you can even make graphs and readouts and the like. My work involves thousands of spreadsheets and half the worlds businesses are just the same.

That's just great, but reading things on a computer is just not great - even if you have a pretty laptop, netbook tablet or whatever.

So how do you need to get the information out?

You need to print it.

Printing has been around for a long time - nearly as long as computers themselves. Back then it was dot matrix printers, but they've moved on to various other kinds like ink jets, ink bubble jets, lasers and the like.

That's great and all that, and printers can reproduce the screen on whatever type of paper you want.

When they work.

Which they rarely fucking do!

I've been using printers since when I was a very little kid. My mum and dad were early adopters and so I used them for my primary school work even (That would have been one of your aforementioned dot matrix 'nerrrre nerrre nerre nerre nerre' types.) Often though, the thing didn't bloody work.

And they haven't come any further!

I spent an hour today, trying to print out some music. First of all, I tried to print one page as a test.

It failed, woefully. It wouldn't take the paper.
Not to be beaten, I fed it the paper carefully. Not to be beaten, it ate the paper and chewed it up - leaving a black smear on it'

That wasn't the end of it.

I managed to get it to take the paper nicely - after some cajoling.

There was nothing on the sheet. Yay.

Guessing it was some rubbish on the print heads - I went into the utilities, to clean the print heads.
'Unable to clean print heads at this time, please contact HP customer support'

Fucking yay.

I then removed the ink cartridge and cleaned the heads manually.

After some attempts then - I got it to print some actually content.

Was it done fucking me about?

No it wasn't. It randomly cut the bottom off the sheet.

Need I go on? Please don't make me go on!

Why do these things have to be so bloody complex. It's not really that bloody difficult is it?

I really hope I don't have to print anything on that bloody printer ever again!

Rant over.

Rant 245 1/9/12 Subject: So many crap books

Rant number 245

Today, on the off chance that I might spot a gem (as I have (very) infrequently in the past,) I popped into one of those budget book shops. I think in Huddersfield alone there are around 3 of these shops, selling what my mother describes as 'books made to be sold as budget books.'

To elaborate what I mean, you get shops that sell clearance books (which are oft times proper books, sold at a discounted rate) and you get books that look like they were never intended to be anything more than very cheap.

I just don't understand why there is a call for these books really. It's mad that they should make books to sell for cheap. Surely you want your product to take off and fly - not fizzle along selling a book a week until they run out?

I love books and like nothing to sit down with a good one. I particularly like discovering a new author to obsess with! The thing is that most often these book shops do not sell anything that looks remotely readable. I genuinely don't know how the places stay in business!

Not everyone can be an author, it takes skill, pain and practice - like anything worth doing. Surely though, these publishers could be a little more tenacious in approaching the right people?

The thing that annoys me you see, is that - in my finite lifetime I will only have a chance to read so many books - along with all the other stuff I need to be doing. This being the case, I want them to be good books! Not cheap rubbish ones!
And the problem with them being so many rubbish ones being published is, theres a chance that statistically some of the bad ones are going to creep their way down into my hands and into my eyes!

I say keep away bad books - and certainly stop dedicating shops specially to them!

Rant over.