Rant 344 09/12/12 Subject: The rain of stupid

Rant number 344

I read a book once called 'One Rainy Night' by a guy called Richard Laymon. I've read many of his books in fact - but this one came to mind yesterday.

It's a good (but rather strange) but about a town where it starts to rain - certainly nothing unusual about that. The thing is though - this rain turns people into psychopathic murderous folk - a little bit like zombies but more sentient. It's a good book if you like horror stories, but that's kind of an aside to things.

The reason I thought about it yesterday was the stupidity that was so evident in town - which made me wonder if someone has started putting stupid enzymes in the rain.

To start with, after managing to park in town, a couple stood by the lift - evidently waiting for the same to arrive. There are two lifts - operated by one button. Its a pretty simple system really.

Idiot proof surely?

Evidently not.

As me and the wife approached the lifts - the left hand one opened - whilst the two idiots were too busy fiddling with their phones to notice. Inevitably, despite a slight scuttle on realisation of this - we missed the lift.

Fucking eejits.

To add to this, when we then got in the lift with tweedle dum and tweedle fucking dumber and reached the ground floor - some intellectual marvel had lined up their shopping in front of the lift doors.

I mean - had they not seen a lift before? Really?

Today, it took the almost 5 minutes to explain to a girl on the phone that our pizza was overdue and articulate our address to her.

What the hell is happening to people.

Idiot rain - thats what it bloody well is.

It would explain a lot. People watching X-Factor, Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity and pretty much everything else. People voting for David Fucking Cameron and then wondering why he's basically dry humping every last man, woman and child in the wallets. Peoples obsessions with pointless celebrities and of course the fads for wearing crocs and the like.

If I was you, I'd get out there and buy the biggest hat and umbrella you can - while you are still able to read these words.

Rant over.

Rant 320 15/11/12 Subject: Songs about stalking

Rant number 320

I was listening to the radio this morning and a song came on.

It was an unobtrusive song i'd heard a couple of times over the last week or so - with a really irritating chorus.

Having little better to do, my mind actually got to analysing the lyrics - and to be honest, I was a wee bit freaked out.

At this link - you can read these Lyrics

Is that song or is it not, all about fucking stalking? It's really not on.

I quote the chorus:

'I'm standing in the darkShe’s dancing on the tableI’m looking through the glassShe’s someone else’s angelIt may sound stupid that I'm wanting you backBut I'm wanting you back, girlAnd now I’m standing in the dark, dark, ohDark, dark'

Lets just look at that shall we?
He's standing in the dark (outside the window or quite possibly in the cupboard.) He's watching her dancing on a table for someone else's amusement - after she has evidently dumped him for being a complete repribate. He wants her back - which sounds nice huh?

Yeah, it isn't though. You are thinking of the wrong back. The back he wants is her actual back - for his collection...

Moving on:

All I want to do is hideBut I can’t stop myself from staringWishing his hands were mineI can’t stop myself from caringAnd as he turns down the lightsI’m feeling paralysedAnd as he looks into her eyesYeah, alright

Yeah, we get it that you like to hide - in cupboards - you freaky fucker. And you like to stare and fantasise about feeling ladies up.
The reason he feels paralysed when the lights go down, is because he can't be a pervert any further...

The next line somewhat perplexes me though - because he can apparently see the other fellow looking in her eyes in the dark. Is he a cat - or just a pervert with awesome night vision.


This song isn't' alone either - if we pop the off key caterwauling of James Blunts 'Your Beautiful' under the spotlight, it loses a little bit of its lustre.

My life is brilliant.My love is pure.I saw an angel.Of that I'm sure.She smiled at me on the subway.She was with another man.But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.

This guy - not happy with hiding in a cupboard, wants to grab random women in the street:

'She smiled at me on the Subway, She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that, Cause I've got a plan'

Theres 2 things you can take from that - neither of them good.
A) James Blunt is so arrogant that he is going to steal someone else's partner with his amazing whiney voice
B) (The more likely option) His plan is to kidnap her and force her to listen to his albums over and over and over until she chemically lobotomises herself using her own bodily fluids. He will then abuse her serially. What a bad person he is.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do  - 'Cause I'll never be with you. 

The chorus surely speaks for itself? No. I'd better explain then.
The first 2 lines simply articulate his obsession with her.
The 3rd line is about his annoyance that she is keeping to the crowds so as to avoid her kidnap and lobotomy. Line 4 shows that he is struggling to work out how best to deal with the situation.

These so called love songs are just sinister. People let their children to listen to this filth!

Analyse these things - and you can find some really scary shit

Rant over.