Rant 95 - 4/4/12 Subject: The cinema experience

Rant number 95


As most of you will be more than aware, I am a massive movie fan! I like movies of all types (except for Twilight & its derivatives of course,) and from all around the world. I recently sat through a 4 hour long, utterly bizarre & totally twisted Japanese film - and surprised myself by loving it!

I have as such, a more than healthy collection of DVD's - a small amount of Bluerays (although, it must be said that as of yet, I don't really see the need (is it bluerays by the way, it doesn't scan right like dvd does; blueray movies sounds awfully clumsy doesn't it? Anyway, I digress) I subscribe to lovefilm to rent yet more films - and allow me to watch them on demand. Its good to say that I like to cuddle up with the wife and a good film.

You'd think then, that I was an avid cinema goer.
You'd think that, but you would be wrong.

The reasons for this are many, some of which I plan to cover today.

Firstly and simply, many of the new releases over the last couple of years just don't endear me. For several years sequels, prequels & reboots have become big fashion. There are some high points to this - such as Batman Begins/The Dark Knight which have been fabulous. Many though have been of little interest to me.

That aside, lets propose that I have found something I want to see - such as today, when I watched 'Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists' (Pretty good actually, ask for details if you wish) what's stopping me?

First off, the price: When I stated attending the cinema - it was about £4 pounds for an adult ticket - now its closer to £8. Yes there is Orange Wednesdays to bring that to what it should be, but I don't always want to see a film on a Wednesday.

And why would that be? Because, on Wednesday (because it is less expensive) it is always busy, which means that there are many noisy people in the cinema with you. Today it was like movie with sweet wrapper accompaniment, joined also by munching, slurping, stage whispered conversations and scuttling feet - heading to the bathroom at a frequency of approximately 4.7 minute intervals.

Now, going back to sweets is another cinema beef. The food they sell beggars belief. The shoddy quality of nearly everything they sell is doubly painful for the price. A corn cobs worth of popcorn costs about £4, a bag of sweets that anywhere else would cost £1.50 costs £3 and of course, you are not meant to take your own food (and they wonder why everyone does.) The drinks too are ridiculous in both cost and quantity, guaranteeing that a small bladder will require multiple trips within an hour and a half's sitting.

Finally (for this rant, but there are more annoyances, trust me) is the adverts.
Don't get me wrong here, I mean adverts - not previews. I love to see what's coming soon on the big screen, but I hate seeing an additional 20 minutes of big screen sales pitches: particularly when I have paid out for the pleasure.

This also creates yet another issue - the obligatory late arrival, who breaks your concentration by trotting in - with all the subtlety of a rhinoceros on a unicycle, giggling that they can't find a seat because its dark.

OF COURSE ITS DARK, YOU ARE 20 MINUTES LATE!

Gaaargh!

Rant over.

Rant 74 - 14/3/12 Subject: Cheesy feel good movies

Rant 74 - 14/3/12 Subject: Cheesy feel good movies

Rant number 74

Today, while having a quick inner summary of todays collated information and annoyance, a trailer for a film came up. I like movies rather a lot (in fact, the trailer came up in the middle of a film I have just changed over to the middle of. The flawed but thoroughly watchable Fifth Element) and so tend to take at least a minor interest in any movie trailers.

Todays was for 'We bought a Zoo' a movie that it assures me is based upon a true story and - according to the trailers content promises endless people saying 'you shouldn't buy a zoo' and him saying 'I'm going to'

It also features the following line - that practically forced me to spontaneously vomit:

'You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.'

How god damned awful is that? No-one talks like that in in real life!

And this film is just one of endless of its genre. Films that are meant to make you feel all warm and fuzzy - but make me feel all queasy. Maybe its simply that I am in some way abnormal (a concept that I am quite willing to accept, and possibly welcome if I do not have to accept this kind of crap trap as entertainment) but I do not feel isolated in this.

Other examples would be 'Love Actually,' a film in which little happens to various people in an interwoven portmanteau picture of startling banality. Then there are movies like 'About a Boy' a film in which nothing much happens to only one set of people - brilliant.

I just don't get it. I like escapism - but if you want to escape in a movie - make it fun - ludicrous even.

Planes Trains and Automobiles for instance - is a movie that makes you feel good, but only while you are chortling most mirthfully. There are also no 'profound' statements in it to pull in the pretentious crowd.

I suppose that - these movies shouldn't annoy me really, the answer is to simply not watch them. The thing is, even the trailers put my nose out!

Stupid feel good pretentious crap.

Oh and pretty much anything with Juliet Roberts or Hugh Grant in (and particularly both)

Rant over.