Rant 16 - 16/1/12 Subject: People who drive like idiots pt 1.

Rant number 16


The reason I have called this number 1 - is that doubtless in the remaining 350 odd days of the year. People will manage to piss me off again with this subject.

Anyway - on to the matter at hand.

People who drive like idiots!

I drive to work each day, to band at least twice a week & often go long distances at the weekend. In this time - I get plenty of chance for people to piss me off.

Usually, on a day to day basis, there is a good gap between the idiots and the normal people. Today however seems to have been some kind of dick driver convention.

So what have they been doing? I hear you cry?

For the most part, driving without giving a shit about those around you. And no, I don't mean speeding in this case - more often than not in fact, this means that people are driving very slowly for no apparent reason.

Example A came this evening on the motor way. As I have already made clear - there are roadworks on the M62 - covering approximately 90% of my daily routes (whoopdy fricken doo) and so most of the journey is spent at 50 miles per hour. Once out of this area, most people do put their foot back down to 70.

Not all however.

Some sit in the middle lane - doing around 63 miles an hour.

I mean why!? The lorries in the left hand lane are generally going at around 60, if you want to go at around 60 - just get in that lane.

As stated - the joyful roadworks continue. Today also - the 3 bloody workman I saw had coned off 2 lanes for around 12 bloody miles - firstly within the 50 zone then - even across the national speed limit area.

At the transition point, I was sitting doing 50 in the left hand lane the -after I saw the contra-flow I indicated right - to get into the right lane. Mr fucking patient behind me could have made room for me to come across, but decided to plow on ahead anyway.

Being a patient sort of fella, I let this wash over my back and slowed a little to let him past, then fell into place behind him.

Now this would have been fine but for one thing....

2 miles later when the motorway opened up again he went straight into the left hand lane at - you guessed it 50 fucking miles an hour.


What was the fucking rush then pal to squeeze me out!?


Finally - after an eternity of speed cameras, contra-flow and idiots, the slip-road came in sight and I escaped the motorway. As is very common, the motorway then joins a roundabout, from which you head into town - which is when fuckhead number 3 reared his ugly head.

He came from the left on the roundabout - no problems there - and I fell into place behind him - which is where it became clear, that in the 40 mile an hour zone we are occupying, he was determined to not exceed 25 miles per hour.

I really - really - really - really - really hate that!

I do not expect anyone to speed. The limits are there for a reason - and it is at each drivers discretion as to whether to exceed them. As stated previously however - particularly at night - limits tend to be a little on the slow side anyway. There is certainly no conceivable reason to drive at 15mph less than the limit in question - you are not driving safer, you are driving like a complete dick.

I mean, have these people not got homes to go to or places to be?

This equally applies to selfish people who crawl off from busy traffic lights etc. Think of all the people who will be stuck in the queue behind you - because you can't work out how to move off properly.

Still, another day comes tomorrow - maybe the idiots will be at a convention elsewhere...

Rant Over.

Rant 9 - 9/1/12 Subject: People who park in my spot!

Rant number 9


It is not my intention to do many personal rants. I want to talk about things that apply mostly to all of us.

Today is a little more personal however, with any luck - many of you will have experienced this and can sympathise. Either way - it's what's pissed me off today, so what I'm talking about.

I live in a converted sunday school where there are sufficient parking spaces for each flat. There are even often enough spaces to allow for guests - as not everyone has a car.

Being a well run establishment - there is even a marking on each space with the flat number and a friendly but firm notice that says 'Parking for residents only.'

This is pretty clear as far as I am concerned. Easy to follow yes!?

Lets face it - a trained weasel with A.D.H.D, an addiction to speed, a caffeine enema and only one eye - could read, process and follow this information.

So why the fuck does someone have to park in my space!?

I play in brass bands and am out in the evenings on average twice a week between approximately 7.15pm and around 10.30pm.

Statistically then - you would think people would get the idea that this is my alloted parking space, from the 5 days on average a week that my car sits in its space from my return to work until the next morning.

So how is it - at least once a fortnight - a car is in my spot when I return from band - forcing me to make other arrangements.

Were the space not clearly marked - I really wouldn't mind. This would make all spaces fair game for anyone - I wouldn't mind. But that's not how it is. The space is nearest to my front door and so it is marked as ours. It makes sense.

The only conclusion is that - the person in question is:

Option A) As stupid as a man who tries to stop a lift door from closing, by wedging his testicles in the gap
Option B) Unable to read the clear signs (which would surely suggest that they are probably not particularly safe to drive anyway!)
Option C) Ignorant of the potential annoyance their parking in my spot is likely to cause
Option D) Pig fucking ignorant and disrespectful

Answers on the back of a £5 note for that one people.

Rant over.

Rant 7 - 7/1/12 Subject: Speed cameras

Rant Number 7


So what was my bone of contention in the last 24 hours?

Speed cameras

Now don't get me wrong, I would like the roads to be safe for my self and my friends and family. I know that this presents a paradox, as speed is often the cause of danger on the roads. The thing is, that speed cameras for the most part, just don't work, except to fill the coffers of those at the sharp end.

Speed cameras cannot be hidden from view,so it's just not possible to make them work the way that the police would like anyway. People continue to speed up to a few meters before the camera, slow down to below the limit, then accelerate off again as soon as possible.

So why do people mostly speed anyway? Because a lot of the time speed limits just don't represent a realistic picture of an area.

I understand a 30 mile an hour speed limit in a built up area with houses during the day. But this stands even at 10pm at night - when you would like to think that kids would be safe in beds. In some areas, the speed limit drops to 20 miles an hour. Which just isn't terribly practical in a car with an engine bigger than a house brick.

So why have the cameras??
Because some people make expensive mistakes.

Those who get caught are rarely making a die hard effort to speed. To be rebels or anything of the sort.
No - most people just get caught out when they loose concentration very briefly, or get confused about the ridiculous limits.
If the cameras succeed - they are not making the road safer. Surely that says it all.

And they do succeed, quite a bit - speed cameras are big 'road safety' money!

Now so far, I've only discussed the static cameras however- some bright spark has made things so much worse in recent years. The joy which is the 'average speed camera.'

These cameras - actually do work.

You are forced, by avert of not exceeding the average speed across the zones, to indeed keep to the speed dictated.

This would be no problem, as previously stated - if the speed in question made sense.

It doesn't though

Often these cameras are used on the motorway when roadworks are being undertaken, and when the speed limit is being reduced by upwards of 25%. At the moment - one of Yorkshires main vein roads - the M62, has bloody miles of roadworks - all at 50 miles an hour.

Does this make the road safer for those working or those driving on it?

Does it my arse!

The news reported that 1000% more speeding fines have been levied in the several months so far (with no sign of completion) that these road works have been going on. I have not seen so far any work taking place however - in these supposedly 'safer zones' (infact, I have seen many people driving more dangerously, in mere frustration)

So in summary, speed cameras are overused to make money out of the already wrung dry motorist, and it's bloody annoying!

Rant over.

Rant 6 - 6/1/12 Subject: Fluffy news

Rant number 6


Hello again guys and girls.

So what have I got for you today? What's been getting on my nerves?

Fluffy bloody news.

So what is that I hear you cry? It's the watered down, inane idiot crap, that is used to fill in the gaps between real news stories.

We live in a 24 hour society don't we? You can read my blog from anywhere in the world - at any time of day and find out what I think. The same token can be applied then to the news.

If Tom Cruise starts eating babies in the name of scientology in the US (and lets face it, that's not exactly out of the realms of possibility) and is caught in the act of coating a helpless infant in barbecue sauce and cayenne pepper - you can bet that, within mere minutes - an Australian Lighthouse keeper will be shaking his head in disapproval.

This is because of the massive explosion of media communication that has happened within the last decade.

The internet alone has grown hugely in popularity in this time and offers news sites, blogs, video streams, e-mails, tweets and Facebook articles - to name but a few.
Then you need to take into account newspapers, the radio (which offers bulletins multiple times an hour) and multiple news broadcasts on multiple TV channels every day.

Finally - incase you had not managed to catch up on current events at any point along the way, there are 24 hour news channels - to ensure you haven't missed a thing!

News Bloody Overload!


Now in truth, I don't mind this too much. I like to hear the news, if it's worth hearing.

But for the most part...it isn't

Because - despite popular belief to the contrary. Something truly newsworthy does not happen at every moment of every single day! Which brings me to fluffy news...

Fluffy news is what they use to plug in the gaps between the truly newsworthy stuff.

As stated in rant number 4, I like to watch the news in the morning, but - in truth, struggle to find any!

In the last few weeks alone, I have watched news reports about a man who painted a giant 30 mile an hour sign on his house, a cat who went on epic journey and the misadventures of those who follow sat-navs like mindless zombies.

That I have to find my real brain food elsewhere, is a constant frustration!

In the morning, I can almost forgive this. I suppose that real news could be considered a little downbeat.

The problem is, on the 24 hour news channels, there just isn't enough news to go around! So what do they do - stretch out the fluffy news to epic proportion!

This is the cause of yet another annoyance - the ' breaking news update' - another province of the 24 hour news channels. These are required strictly to cut through the crap that the channel is showing (like that surf boarding squirrel and the nutter who tied himself to the birch tree in front of the local council offices) to show some real news.

Would it not just be easier to just report the news when it is report worthy, and forget the fluff?

!!!!!!!Breaking news!!!!!!!!!!
It pisses me right off

Rant over.

Rant 5 - 5/1/12 Subject: The bastardisation of the English language

Here we go again

Rant Number 5

I thought today's subject was to be the way that people drive. And no doubt, had I not popped in for petrol, this would have been todays subject (don't worry, it will be my subject sooner or later).

Filling up with petrol is not in itself a traumatic experience (apart from the cost), so this wasn't what bugged me.

No, what suddenly changed my mind and upped my pulse was a sticker in the rear windscreen of the card in front of me which read:

'Don't be Jel, be Reem'

That I had to do an internet search for the meaning of this phrase says it all doesn't it?

Apparently this is street talk for 'Don't be Jealous, be gorgeous/cool.' Made famous by characters featured upon 'The Only Way is Essex,' 'A Dramality' (Drama Reality) set in - you guessed it, Essex.

I have already covered reality TV in rant number 2, so you can guess what I think of - and I quote 'real people in modified situations, saying unscripted lines but in a structured way.' This isn't what this rant is about however.

No, what I find to be profoundly distressing is the addition of words into our noble language that would put a room full of babbling toddlers to shame.

Our language is old, and has gone through many changes I will grant. I accept that words and phraseology does change organically. I know that we do not now speak the Old English of the Saxons & that few Latin words remain. All this I accept with open arms.

I feel however that 'street speak,' and digital technology & the media is doing irreparable damage to the modern English language.

A local fashion for instance, is to say 'Peng' (as in cool, great etc) & Deng as a logical equivalent.

I mean really!?

Are good, cool, great, fabulous, brilliant, fabulous, sterling, wonderful or splendid really not sufficient words to cover something positive? 

Evidently not.

And these words only offend out-loud. The worst crimes tend to take place when real words are misspelt through pig ignorance or through deliberate action in order to look 'wel kool'

Even a common pronoun like you - a might 3 letters long and featuring a whopping one syllable is shortened to 'u' - not just to save letters on a text message any more but because it is in some way considered so much more street smart to save your fingers on those 2 other letters (lets face it - we're talking about another 200% effort.)

Why can't people talk properly, write properly and not - well be people.

Rant over.

Rant 3 - 3/1/12 Subject: January sales

Rant number 3


It is impossible to turn on the television, open a newspaper/magazine, listen to the radio or walk down the street at the moment without some chuffer trying to sell you something, and I've had just about enough of it!

With Christmas just weeks ago. I - like so many persons all around the country, the globe & no doubt the whole frickin' galaxy - am feeling spent out, both mentally, figuratively and physically.

On Christmas eve when the whole thing is done, I would love it to all be over. For the bedlam of consumerism to evaporate - making way for Christmas spirit, family unity and all the other crap that the Christmas movies would have us believe.

Does that happen though?
Does it bollocks


After panic buying household goods, presents, food & drink - just because the shops will be shut for a single day (shock horror!)
Families venture out on Boxing day, not to wish well to the world like some kind of modern Ebenezer Scrooge or promenading Dickensian urchins - but to spend more money, in the promise of discounted goods.

That these are not things we needed or wanted until the discount appeared is of course never obvious until its to late. Cupboards full of unused and forlorn sandwich toasters and foot spas are testament to the power of the percentage!

Because that's what its all about isn't it?

50% off sets our pulses racing because none of us can resist a bargain.

That half of the goods are put on sale for gratuitously inflated prices and stocked up on - specifically to be sold at sale prices later is the trick of it all - you'd be surprised just how short an amount of time most products are sold at that oh so expensive 'was' price.

The whole thing gets on my wick, use holiday time with your love ones and remember - some poor sap has to be working for you to enjoy those magic prices.

Rant over.

Rant 2 - 2/1/12 Subject: Reality TV

So here we ago again.

Rant number 2


So what annoys me about TV? Quite a lot as the case may be.

At its best, TV can be a fantastic way to spend an evening. Well written, intuitive, witty and entertaining.

As a child, there were only 4 channels to watch and so only 4 channels to program for. As such- although some of the programming was dull (particularly as most of it was for 'grown-ups') it was all properly produced and reasonably high quality programming.

To create programs like this however is expensive. Actors, directors, writers, producers et all, are an expensive bunch.  In the modern age, this can cause a problem - as things are certainly not getting any cheaper!

To top this off too, there are now hundreds of channels to choose from, so more programming is needed in general. The sums just don't add up!

One solution would be to try and offer less channels of a better quality.

This does not however fit with the philosophy of the TV producers,  who have little respect for quality, where an easy buck can be made.

-

I imagine a meeting took place somewhere along the lines, a brainstorming session with all the up and coming movers & shakers. 'We need ideas, we need a plan, we need hours and hours of cheap cheap TV, what's the plan?'
Some thinking followed, some ideas thrown around, then a little man at the back of the room put up his hand 'what about we put normal people on TV, they won't even need paying'

And from there reality TV was birthed, kicking & screaming into the world.

Thousands of hours of this stuff exists now, most of it cringeworthy to the extreme. Little of it is anywhere near watchable.

And the worst of all, is that it feeds exponentially upon itself. Members of the public 'star' on programs such as Big Brother, where they achieve a modicum of 'success'(notoriety,) becoming household names for doing nothing. They then are taken upon the celebrity versions of these programs, despite having done nothing but attending these programs to start with.

There is also endless contests such as X-factor and strictly come dancing. Where the endless manufacturing of pop 'stars' has been made more transparent than ever before!

All in all, reality TV is like a poisonous Ivy, creeping its way into the delicate mortar of televisions figurative wall. Alas, it is now too late to rip it away from the wall, for fear that the roots are too deep, and that the wall would crumble without it.

The only consolation I suppose is that the vast amount of channels makes it possible to avoid the rubbish and still occasionally find something watchable.

And that is why, I cannot stand reality TV!

Rant over.

Rant 1 - 1/1/12 Subject: New years resolutions

And so it begins ladies and gentleman.

Rant number 1

I've chosen something topical to begin with, something close to everyones hearts, New Years bloody resolutions.

The idea of a resolution - a plan to make a change, a renaissance or to improve yourself - is always something that I salute. That side of it is just fine.
All of us can and most probably should improve ourselves in some way, whether its to eat a little less, get a little fitter or give something negative up like smoking or drinking.

My problem with the whole thing is the 'new year' part, which excuses us from taking action as and when the thought takes us!

This blog for instance, has been my intended new years resolution for no less than 3 consecutive years. 

It is only this year however that I have got to this stage - actually putting pen to paper figuratively.
'So why didn't I do it before?' I hear you cry

Simple - I got to a couple of days past new year and thought 'I've left it a little late now haven't I, it would seem odd to start at this arbitrary day, I'll start again next year.'

For me that's fine, not writing this blog will not have any particular physical ill effects (other than the minor risk of anger overload by not venting these angry thoughts.) But for someone planning to make a genuine change to their lives, the result of procrastinating year on year, could be catastrophic.

The other thing that really gets my goat about these bloody resolutions is that barely any of us stick to them do we!?

As such, something that should be a positive and life affecting change, becomes a joke.

Gym memberships skyrocket at this time, and for 2, maybe 3 weeks - those who have purchased them diligently attend the gym, boasting to their friends, colleagues, neighbors and anyone who will listen about how 'fit and youthful' they feel as a result.
Then things begin to slip: 'I would go' thinks our example person, 'but that show I quite like is on this evening.' Or simply 'I've had a long day at work, I'll go tomorrow'
And tomorrow, as they say - never comes


The problem you see, is that there is no magic to new year. None at all. Its just another day (with the notable acceptation that we don't generally have to work on it, I will admit.)

As such,  by waiting until the 1st of the year, you are merely practicing procrastination, and - as such merely increasing the chance that you will abandon your life affecting resolution, leaving it until another 'magic' 1st of the 1st comes along.

Those who give up cigarettes, booze, swearing or fried food should want to give it up and do it. The date is irrelevant.

And that my friends is why I do not approve of new years resolutions.

Rant over.