Rant 31 - 31/1/12 Subject: Stupid baby names

Rant number 31


Todays rant is about the stupid names that people call their children.

This is most common amongst two select groups - the celebrity & the idiot (if these groups can be said to be separate - just a thought)

So why does it bug me? Because I think that is unfair & because I can empathise with these poor children.

I understand that people want to be individual - and that they may wish to imbue their offspring with a similar level of individuality.

It shows however, a major lack of understanding, empathy or - lets face it - giving a flying fuck, to call your children anything as ridiculous as the names thrown around by celebrities.

Gwyneth Paltrow for instance, called her daughter 'Apple.' Now don't get me wrong: I like a nice juicy, crunchy apple as much as the next man. No part of me however has ever thought to itself 'what a lovely name for someone.'

And why is this? because it is not a name for someone. It is a name for something. It is the name for a fruit - called an apple.

Sadly, this is not an isolated case in the slightest.

Robert Rodriguez decided to call his sons Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue & Rhiannon. That only one of these actually qualifies for a real name (and lets face is Rhiannon is quite unusual) - shows the arrogance that celebrities hold in their overinflated heads.

Outside of Celebrity circles - I am aware of a friends relative who is called Blade - in homage to the big black vampire hunting badass from the comics. The thing is, in comic books its OK to be called Blade. In real life, that kid is going to get ripped apart in the schoolyard!

And going back to celebs, I think we have a winner (and king of the idiots).

David & Victoria Beckham called their poor poor (poor poor(poor poor)poor) daughter Harper Seven.

I mean, really? That's just mean. She sounds like the name of a 70s spandex heavy sci-fi show!

I wish people thought of their babies - not themselves a bit more!

Rant over.

Rant 30 - 3/1/12 Subject: The unusual and rather perplexing paradox of food

Rant number 30


As Benjamin Franklin said, we should all 'One should eat to live, not live to eat.'

But most of us (me particularly) don't.

We love food!

We read books on food, watch TV shows about food and most of all - we love to eat nice (and naughty) food!

Which brings me to the paradox which is todays subject of annoyance.

Because - our bodies crave - nay - cannot go without, the stuff which is bad for us.

But why is this? I mean - what kind of evolution is that?


Why do potatoes taste better cut and fried than baked?
Why is chocolate so good when mixed with copious amounts of sugar & milk?
Why does celery make me feel suicidal with its boringness, whilst bacon is so good that I am (more often than is possibly normal or healthy) tempted to steal a pig in order to chew upon its yumminess.

It all makes zero sense doesn't it? We as a species have had plenty of time to get used to reasonably plentiful food within British society. We can choose now to eat what we choose, either pre-prepared or from scratch.

I understand that some of it is down to the drugs and additives they put in food, like our old friend M.S.G! But mostly, its in our own genetic chemistry to like crap.

If we were wired differently, it would be much better.
If I could get even a tenth as much excitement from a watery lettuce leaf, two celery sticks and a spring onion with a vinaigrette (consisting of just vinegar mind, no oil!) compared to something like a cheese toasty - I would be a very healthy and very skinny man indeed

And lets face it - when they try and make the unhealthy - healthy, it doesn't work either!

Sugar free gum is OK for instance - but is not as good as the sugary stuff...

I can believe its not butter you know - because it doesn't taste much like it...

Low calorie chocolate bars tend to feature more air than chocolate - or alternatively feature more oats than actually chocolate!

As a species, we probably need to come up with a new plan.

Maybe some brainwashing would help....

Rant over.

Rant 29 - 29/1/12 Subject: Man-Flu

Rant number 29


This week, my poor wife has got a really bad cold. She nearly lost her voice in-fact.

Being of a chivalrous bent, I - like any good husband, stood up to the plate, put her to bed, brought her hot chocolate and did my best to make her better.

Was I ever punished for it though!

I've got bloody man flu!

Man flu is a pain in the ass, simple as.

So what is man-flu? I hear you ladies cry

Well - its a bit like the common cold, but 100 times worse (but only for those with a Y chromosome)

Anyway


I should probably be a little bit more specific, so I will talk about the common cold.

Getting a cold is a pain in the ass and can turn even the most masculine gentleman (or lady) into a dribbling, seeping snotty mess.

We are a species that have been evolving for - well either millions or years or a bit less, depending on your theological bent. In this time, you would have thought that we would have managed to come up with a way to be more resistant and resilient to a couple of micro-organisms

We aren't any good however, we are rubbish.

We have doctors and scientists who can resolve many issues and illnesses. For colds however - all we can manage is something to slightly relieve the symptoms (but only just) in lozenge or sweet form.

The worse thing of all however, is that - to prevent us getting really poorly from something like a cold, your body goes to some pretty extreme measures.

Ever had a really soar throat with a cold? Yeah me too.

This is your body - killing off the cells in your throat to prevent infection!

Ever sneeze uncontrollably for what seems like hours!? - this is your body ejecting unwanted organisms.

Ever drown in head goo? This is your body trying to stop the bad stuff from getting around your body.

Its all very necessary, but pretty bloody awful.

I currently feel like my eyes are too big for their sockets, snotty and achy. Its pretty bloody horrid.

As such - I am contemplating a way of hermetically sealing myself from the rest of the germy bloody world (quite possibly a plastic bubble.)

Urgh!

Rant over.

Rant 28 - 28/1/12 Subject: Fat Cat Bonuses

Rant number 28


There has been plenty of talk about this subject over the last couple of days, and it makes my blood boil (and pretty much everyone I knows blood boil for that matter.)

Fat cat bonuses.

Essentially taking someone that gets paid a fuck load of money to start with (generally over a million pounds per annum) and giving them the same amount of money in bonuses each year.

When it comes down to it, this is always going to be quite annoying to us on the bottom couple of rungs of the ladder, particularly as their bonuses come to around 90% of their overinflated salaries(and the day when I receive a 90% bonus for my wage is the day when Lucifer invests in some ice skates to get to work.)

But they do have a difficult job to do don't they? and all the rest of us apparently don't...

Because - the crux of the matter is that, you just don't get into these type of jobs without being the right type of person, born in the right background, educated at the right university and with just the right contacts.

Those with ensure that their sons and daughters have too. Its an old rule that will stand for as long as society continues.

This aside, it just seems odd that the buggers who got us into recession - seem to be completely recession proof.

Now this weeks particular issue - puts me in a particularly bad mood.

Stephen Hester.

Stephen Hester is currently the Chief Executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland: A bank of which you - the taxpayer - own around 82%.

Stephen's wage is a generous 1.2million pounds - enough to get by I think.

Despite this, the bank in question (the one you are all shareholders in remember) have decided to award him a bonus of £963,000 pounds for doing his job so well.

The thing is, as I see it - his reward for doing his job very well, is surely his seven figure salary to start with? There are people out there would would not earn that kind of money in 100 years of working. With the bonus as well, most of us wouldn't manage it in a 100 years either.

So how is that fair?

Many people are struggling. We are in a recession after all - but people are being given more money than you are likely to ever see every year - extra.

Remember once again - that this is the bank we had to bail out!

The government of course are not going to intervene. As I said - the rich look after the rich - doing the right thing would be horribly frowned upon.

At least, by all reports Stephen was good as his job to deserve his ridiculous bonus.

Often, bonuses are unconditional - regardless of performance in order to retain valuable staff.

Come again? I don't quite understand that!

Surely, if someone loses the company money, he deserves kicking out the door - not rewarding.

The whole thing makes me so angry!

Rant over.

Rant 27 - 27/1/12 Subject: Weather chaos

Rant number 27


I know, I know.


I'm sorry


but


An Englishman is about to talk about the weather


At least its taken 27 rants to get here hey?

Actually, its not a rant about the weather - so nah... The rant is about the chaos that it causes.

The reason that people across the world say that us British talk about the weather so much, is because they don't have any to talk about. It's just jealousy really.

Because we have lots and lots of weather! Mostly rain I grant thee, but we do get some other stuff too.

Today was a day with a lot of weather. I left the house in the morning to clear sky's, arrived at work to heavy rain and drove home in heavy snow - which is where the chaos comes in.

Because - for a country where it consistently snows every winter (albeit very lightly) we just can't deal with it.
At non rush hour times, my journey home takes around 20 minutes. Double this in rush hour to 40 minutes (pain in the ass already.)

Today it took nearly an hour and a half, just because there was a small shower of snow on a well gritted, well lit road. That I could not see:
A: the reason for obstruction at any point
B: any snow after the first 5 minutes

is what annoyed me.

Even as I left the motorway, the queue extended off into the distance - to god knows where.

What I want to know is - as a country, why can't we just well, deal with it?

We know that every winter it will be cold, that there will be ice & snow, fog & rain, hail & wind.
But all of these things seem to come to a massive surprise to everyone.

Are some people just unable or unwilling to drive with any intelligence as soon as there is a little precipitation? All around the world, people get it worse than us - and they seem to carry on so much better than us!

In Russia for instance, it snows heavily for half a year and goes into minus temperatures. The country does not stop dead because a couple of snow flakes have fallen onto someone's bonnet or onto the train-tracks.

We need to realise that the weather isn't going anywhere, and come up with a way to deal with it!

Rant over.

Rant 26 - 26/1/12 Subject: People who don't spell or use even basic grammar.

Rant number 26


Now before I begin, I must reiterate the title - incase it is misread and upsets someone.

I understand that some people - such as those with dyslexia (a rather cruelly hard to spell word in the situation - don't you think) do struggle with spelling and grammar. I haven't got any problem with anyone who tries to use language properly.

What bothers me however, is people who don't make any effort at all or (almost worse) make a half hearted effort. What is their frickin' excuse!?

My job involves quite a bit of written communication from various persons. I don't mind that at all in fact - as you can probably tell, I like to write.

What mortifies & annoys me to the point of near homicidal rage, is receiving e-mails that read so badly that I have to scan them four times - just to get to the point and work out the meaning of the garbled words. It really is a pathetic indictment on our education system isn't it!

To give you the vague gist; If I was to be a vacuum salesman, I would receive queries the equivalent of this:

'hulo i wud like too bye a delux Vaqoom cleener from u an' was wondering if U wud tel me wat was a gud won.
thanx
a I diot'

I do exaggerate of course, but all of the above errors have been communicated to me at some point in my working career.
Particular pet hates would be the lack of capital letters at the start of the sentence & for the 'I's.' Also the use of 'u' in place of you. Finally, the substitution of words such as bye instead of buy.

It shows either a lack of respect for themselves or their country - or a lack of education from either the education system or their parents.

Even now, I can't string four or five sentences together without making some kind of spelling or grammar mistake however - I know how to resolve them and have the respect to do so. Lets face it - I barely need to use my brain these days with how many spell checkers there are on computers.

I'm pretty sure that even as a teenager I wrote better and with more clarity than some of the examples I receive each and every day.

We need to do something about it, before the rubbish becomes the norm and no-one recognises what is correct any more!

Rant over.

Rant 25 - 25/1/12 Subject: Recycling of songs

Rant number 25


Now before I begin. I would like to say that I grew up watching the Wombles and captain planet and the raccoons and various other self richeous preachy kids shows.

As such, I understand that recycling is probably a very good idea. In fact its kind of a necessity, lest we end up with no resources, knee deep in our own waste products.

I also - as a composer of music & writer of grumpy blog entries, realise that original concepts and ideas can be hard to pick out of the ether.

The thing is, great creatives have never been famed for the ease of their creativity. Which is why it annoys me so much when people simply 'augment' (and I use the term, very very loosely (and I mean really loosely, like a knot tied by an arthritic grandma in spiders web in pitch darkness on the moon loosely))

Old people have been throwing accusations of unoriginally at our generation for years. 'You just take old songs and rap over the top of them' is what they say - and sadly its coming true.

Hip-hop particularly - a genre that takes a 4 bar loop and drags it out over 4 minutes whilst they rap over the top are real sods for taking soul tunes by the bucketload and - well lets be frank here - ruining them.

On the way home today (not surprisingly the springing point for this rant) was a song called Ray Charles by - and I feel ashamed to speak his name - an artist called 'Chiddy Bang'
A song both formulaic repetitive and dull, I feel that nothing this idiot could ever do could possibly get close to anything by the artist sampled (Ray Charles is - lets face it - a legend)

Another example would be Queens fantastic 'Under Pressure,' sampled in Vanilla Ice's 'Ice Ice Baby.'
Though Queens talent shines through in this pointless waffle - the song shows none of the originality of the instant classic at the hand of Mercury and his compadres.

Outside of Hip-Hop, the same tricks go on - but to better effect. A bitter sweet symphony for instance sampled the Rolling Stones 'The last time' (causing much legal kerfuffle.) This song is great, but the credit goes to the Stones, not the verve once again.

Why can't people just create, instead of trying to improve what they cannot exceed!

Rant over.

Rant 24 - 24/1/12 Subject: Household products

Rant number 24


Today was washing up day. Whilst I scrubbed plates and looked at cutlery with much contempt - one thought was paramount in my mind.


Housework is a bit rubbish.

This may come as a bit of a surprise to all of you I know.

I hate to have to break such bad news. I really do.

But it is. It's shit really.


Luckily, many household products exist, to take the pain out of these tasks.

Lucky that




But I, like a proverbial dark cloud must break yet more bad news (sorry - I feel positively awful, I really do)

Household products are also a bit rubbish.

They promise the Earth...

'No soaking' for instance. Put this in your washing up bowl and the dirt will practically wave a white flag of surrender and run for the hills.

Washing powders will remove stains faster, better and more damn awesomely than all of the rest - and all at 12 degrees centigrade, whilst saving water, being kind to your clothes and making you smell like fresh fields.

Bathroom cleaners remove limescale like magic, kill 99.99999999 percent of germs, make your loo shine  (you should be able to eat your tea off em) make your bath sparkle, and all with the gossamer touch of an Angel (and a jaunty pine fragrance.

Floor cleaners remove red wine, ink or blood - and make your carpet like new...

And finally, but no means least on my list 'Bang and the Dirt is Gone!'

Its all crap though. All cleaning is hard work - otherwise we would love doing it and all of our homes and places of business would sparkle.
Some washing up will always need soaking and even then takes a fair bit of elbow grease.

Washing powders are not magic, and often don't work particularly well - whether they are tablets, powder, liquid tabs or whatever ridiculous idea they will come up with next.

Bathroom cleaning is often difficult, rather gross and tends to make the place smell like a mortuary(as in that clinical smell of bleach - not as in dead bodies - unless you are doing something wrong)

Floor cleaners don't ever seem to work. They just spread the stain over a bigger surface area so that, if you squint a bit it seems to faded.

What Cillit bang don't tell you is that you need to spray the product on then wait for 6 hours, make a small incantation and sell your soul to make it work.

I know that these things will always be hard and accept that miracles are not possible. What I wish for however is some more realistic claims. Oh and a maid would be nice...

Rant over.

Rant 23 - 23/1/12 Subject: Roadworks

Rant number 23

This is one I literally can not put up with any longer. So rant I must and rant I shall.

Road works.

I understand that wear and tear is going to happen to our very busy road network. 

I understand as such, that , occasionally some repairs will be needed to made to said road network. 

I understand that this may involve at times coning off areas in order to make workers safe.

I understand all of this.

What I do not understand is why it takes so fucking long to do anything and why they need to cone off 74 miles of motor way at a time.

And - if you can explain the above to me. Why oh why (oh why oh why oh why etc) can I never see anyone working.

I've seen people looking at various pieces of equipment, scratching their heads as if to say 'I wonder what this one does, it looks very shiny...,' I've seen people tying themselves to barriers for safety and I've seen people talking in small groups. 

I imagine that somewhere, a species of worker exists that we have never seen. 

I imagine that they have 7 arms, 3 legs and 4 eyes, one on each side of their square heads. 

I would like to think that these workers, (like some kind of yeti) can never be seen by us normal folk - but sneak out in gaps between traffic to do a teeny bit of work - whilst the normal humanoid workers look on in confusion. Because they are so scared of us 'norms' (yes thats what they probably call us) they have to keep hiding again.

This is - to me - the only plausible explanation for why it takes them so long to cover only a small distance of road.

As to why it is required to cone off 74 miles of motorway at once. This is a mystery that I cannot solve.

Currently there are - that affect me on my normal routes:

Roadworks on the road to the motorway: reduced speed by 10mph+1 lane reduced

Roadworks upon my morning commute: reduced speed to 50mph+average speed cameras.

Roadworks on my return journey: reduced speed to 50mph+average speed camera + reduced lane & 10mph reduced speed.

Roadworks going to band: Once again reduced speed by 20mph

Roadworks coming back from back: Once again, reduced speed by 20mph.

Yet more roadworks coming back from band x2 + reduced 1 lane + -10mph.

I just wish they could come up with a better way of doing things, and like - you know work a bit faster.

Or maybe, they could cone off a little bit less - work a bit more efficiently and not drive me round the frickin' bend!

Rant over.

Rant 22 - 22/1/12 Subject: Bad advertising

Rant number 22


I don't often watch that much TV, however on a cold dark miserable Sunday, I will often flick through what's on the idiot lantern.

Often there is some films on, which are worth watching - or something repeated that I had intended to watch.

Today was such a day (dusky by 2pm) and thoroughly cold and miserable. So - I did do a little channel flicking.

Are adverts ever bloody annoying


Star wars characters can be used to sell phone plans from particular networks or brown goods (Yoda for phones, Darth for Brown goods - because presumably these are the more evil?)

Meercats & fat men, sell car insurance - endlessly.

Bank employees host bad radio programs (ISA ISA baby....)

The list goes on and on!


The thing is, do they really feel that they can sell me a product by getting on my nerves? I mean really? Is that the kind of connection they want to make in my head.

And these are at least the kind of adverts that you can understand.

Those that create perfume adverts for instance - have no restriction within their brief that says that they actually have to identify the product in question. They just have to connect a vague thematic smorgasbord together with some dramatic music.

Then there are those that try and sell you the lifestyle of the product in question. I've just seen one for Quaker Oats that sell you the lifestyle of a fitness freak who is happy in his life and work life and who is going to live to the ripe old age of 750.

Shit a brick - Someone get me a box pronto!


I understand that products need to be advertised. I just wish that they could be a bit sensible about it. I don't want to hear a generic cartoon character singing about car insurance to the tune of YMCA - particularly not one who seems to have hidden her microphone somewhere decidedly dodgy (watch closely next time you see the confused.com add...)

I also don't want to see the same adverts that have been used for years. You have got your product into my consciousness on the last 7000 viewings. I don't need to see it again unless you have something new to say.

Part of me - like many of my friends, would like to go down the route of only watching things online on catchup services. The thing is - many of these now insist on getting adverts in also. They are also subject of my internet connection behaving itself, and the proviso of watching yet more adverts should their be some kind of error with the stream.

I hope that one of these days, their will be some way to avoid them altogether. The closest you can currently get is to use a PVR, never watch anything live & to fast forward everything.

I hate bloody adverts

Rant over.

Rant 21 - 21/1/12 Subject: Town on Saturday

Rant number 21


Today, as on many Saturdays, I went into town (in this case - the town my mother in law lives in, as opposed to my own.) Mostly I don't do this for love in any way shape or form. Mostly I just have to get some things that I cannot buy online or that I would prefer not to or that I need too quickly to wait for.

Whatever the case may be or the reason. One thing about all visits to town on a Saturday is that they are unmitigatedly unpleasant.

First of all, but by no means the least of my annoyances is the way that people walk.

Mostly people walk really really slowly, aimlessly wandering from place to place - stopping at shelves or in front of shop windows with no regard for blocked thoroughfares of any kind. Those who walk slow also love to walk as many abreast as possible on narrow pavements, in order to prevent overtaking by those with somewhere to go. They also enjoy staggering themselves across several lateral metres - for just the same reason.

Those that don't do this, seem hell bent at getting from A to B with no concern for those around them. They dodge and weave and push into everyone - because they are just that much more important than you. 


So people walk about annoyingly, So what? What else bugs me?

How rude people are to one another: I hold doors open for people, let people go before me in narrow corridors and try and be polite in general, I would appreciate the same from those around me. People don't seem very fussed about this though, wanting to stay within their own narrow groups and fucking off anyone outside it.

The way that people dress and hold themselves: Embarrassingly, the way that people dress and even wear there clothes has got sillier over the last few years. I don't want to see a boys trousers underneath his bottom - revealing a full arses worth of his pants. I've even seen a lads like this with his mum though - I mean - how can she not clip him round the ear and tell him to pull his pants up.
There is also endless kids in hoodies - showing us how cool they are. Idiots

Peoples language and demeanor: My language I know can be appalling (see this and previous rants.) It is not something indiscriminate however. In earshot of children for instance, or old people - I will always attempt to curb my language. Some people however, don't seem able to stop themselves or just don't care. I find this really upsetting - particularly as I think that its the latter.
The other things I hate, are spitting and dropping litter. Its just nasty and makes a bad situation worse.

I have no choice but to go in to town for the reasons above. But its never going to be enjoyable.

Rant over.

Rant 20 - 20/1/12 Subject: Oscar botherers

Rant number 20

It's coming up to that time of year again boys and girls. It looks like its time for the Oscar botherers.

What is he on about this time? I hear you cry

Quite simply, films that are made specifically with a view to a good run at the film awards.

Don't get me wrong. Some films deserve Oscars - and some in fact deserve many many Oscars. My problem is that some films are made to be critic friendly hits with the awards. This guarantees a viewing from a certain sect - and so it all works out bloody well doesn't it.

My problem is that many films will never be given awards nods because they are not 'the right stuff' from the right directors, from the right studios or the right themes. Particularly this applies to genre films (as with any genre fiction in fact) i.e. Horror, Sci-fi or fantasy for instance.

Look at this months 'The Artist' for instance. A film which has been made in the modern age - in black and white and silently.
You've got to admit that's just a little (huge) bit pretentious?
I am sure that the film is just as good as the critics keep telling me, but  truth be told, if I want to watch a silent movie - I will watch something like Nosferatu (made in 1922.)

I 'll tell you one thing though. It won't win an Oscar....

It'll win at least 4 of the buggers

Another good example would be something like the 'Kings speech,' which won just about everything it was nominated for last year. That this is a film about a slightly controversial subject matter wouldn't have hurt - would it? I just wonder if the removal of the Royal part of the subject matter would have meant that the Oscar's wouldn't have given it a second though? I reckon so.

A boxing movie is almost always a good cert soon if done right as last years 'the Fighter proved'

Seeing my point yet?

To put in context all of it. One of the best films I have seen in the last couple of years is Christopher Nolan's 'Inception'

The Narrative - though at times a little hard to follow on first viewing - is exquisitely shaped, the cast (including Leonardo DiCaprio, who normally I do not warm to) act frighteningly well under the smooth, styled direction of Nolan. The music too pumps and swells with exitement.

I watched with a kind of awe that had my jaw dropping at times at how brilliant it was.

I knew however that it was too sci-fi to receive anything of a true Oscar. And I was right.
Instead it received a total of 4 technical Oscar's - a poor consolation in my book. These were for Visual effects, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing & Cinematography. The film & respective actors deserved direct nods and it was unfair that these were not given.

All in all - the Oscar botherers aren't going anyway. At the moment alongside 'The Artist' there is 'War House' (war movie - dead cert) & 'J Edgar' (A politics movie - also a good bet. Maybe Leo will get one after all.) Just remember, there are many films you would never think of well worth watching.

Rant over.

Rant 19 - 19/1/12 Subject: Privatisation.

Rant number 19


Britain used to have brilliant public services.

Note the past tense!


Because, over the last couple of decades - they have sold off our trains, our gas, our water and anything else they can get away with.

In theory, there are advantages to this. Money is made first of all by the sale, (which is a goody isn't it) and also the money is saved by not having to run it any more (double goody.) Also, by killing the monopoly privatisation gives the opportunity for competition - which surely should mean the end user, visa vi us can get better prices.

The problem is that, these advantages tend to be rather short term i.e

• The money gained is soon spent - generally on expenses for the government like second houses and gold plated duck houses...
• These companies will generally make a mess of things and require government money to keep them propped up
• The companies do not contrive to compete - instead filling the pockets of their shareholders at all turns because - lets face it - you can't get it from anyone else!

I understand that some services may well have been just as bad in government hands. Hell - there is even a small (very small) chance that they could have made things worse. I feel however that, the profits these companies need to make - are what will always hurt us.

The trains for instance are a bloody awful mess, and in my humble opinion:

British rail is an ineptly run money pit.

Trains are rarely on time and usually far too small for the routes they are covering. That a seat is now not to be an expectation is ridiculous. The last trains designed in our area almost halved the amount of seats for god sake. Except for First class of course. Money always means luxury is to be expected (in this case, not having to stand up for a 4 hour journey.)

If this had been done to save money to keep rail fares affordable, I wouldn't mind. But its not like that at all. Since I moved to this area, most fees have gone up by almost four times. 

That a journey for only two people is cheaper in a car than on a train says it all. 'Public transport' is too much of a money making scheme and not about being a viable alternative.

The setting off point for this rant I should add was the radio news this evening. In a dual bill, the government want to offer more powers to GP's to distribute tax players monies & to privatise parts of the NHS in order to improve services. 

Apparently this is not being done to save money of course. No, it is merely to improve services.

Did they think I came down in the last shower!?

If there is any votes on this (and lets face it, they probably won't ask any of us - its not like any of us our intelligent enough to make decisions) I strongly suggest you vote against any privatisation of our NHS. 

It is one of the last Bastions of our once much prouder nation and is the envy of many a nation.

Rant over.

Rant 18 - 18/1/12 Subject: Where there's a blame...

Rant number 18


No more transport based rants for a couple of days now. I promise.

So what's got my goat that does not have wheels, paddles, jets or skis?

Our compensation culture.

Accidents happen

What a suprise!? 

And ipso facto, by advent of them being accidents - there is not always someone to blame.

Despite this, every day - claims are made and cases won for peoples clumsiness or bad luck. 

The problem is, someone has to pay for it don't they? The money does not materialise from thin air, everyone steps on a wobbly paving slab and sprains their ankle. 

And we all pay for it - one way or another.

How, I hear you cry?

I shall tell you...

Most of the money for compensation claims comes from insurance companies of one kind or another (mostly car insurance companies.)

For an insurance company to be profitable - the golden rules for success are simply:

A: Don't pay out any money

B: Don't pay out any money

C: Under no circumstances, do not pay out any money

D: See the above

As such - it hurts them to their black - black hearts, every time. It's their profit they are giving away, and they need that - for hiring aristocratic eastern block meerkats and the like

So what do they do? They increase the insurance premiums (covering the claims in each area with a good bit besides)

To put this in context, my car insurance would cost a third as much if I still lived at my mums. Same car, same driver - but surrounded by people who drive the premiums up.

The same issues come about when people trip over loose paving slabs and the like. People then sue the council - because once again, there must be someone to blame. This hurts once again everyones pockets - its your taxes that need to be handed out.

I'm not saying that there should not be compensation when wrongs have taken place. Car accidents for instance can be someone's fault - and it is fair that their insurance company pay the relevant costs.

There are so many grey areas however. Look at whiplash - for instance. It's almost impossible to prove but can be very debilitating for those who are properly affected. 

The issue is, that it is a stock compensation favorite - for those out to make a quick buck from a minor accident. This raises premiums considerably and has the added side effect of making the genuine claimants seem like liars too. 

It's a well known fact that - because it is so hard to prove, it is almost impossible to defend in course.

That compensation is big money is obvious - just turn on a TV and watch for a couple of hours - I can almost guarantee that you will see an advertisement for 'injury lawyers for you', 'national accident' or a myriad of others.

We need to stop this ambulance chasing culture - and only help those who really need it.

Rant over.

Rant 17 - 17/1/12 Subject: Delia

Rant number 17


Apologies for the very late posting ladies and gents. I've only just got back. Which - bearing in mind the subject in question - may be understandable...

So who is Delia? Well Delia is not a she. She is a what...

This evening, I had around a 50 mile trip to make. This in its self is no problem. Unfortunately however - I did not know the way there exactly. I had a plan however.

After much begging and pleading (and the administration of a minor sedative) I was able to prize my wife's much loved iPhone 4 from her hands. On it you see is a SatNav - which I felt would - most definitely mean that I would get there in double quick time.

Definitely...


Having a healthy distrust for technology (despite having a degree in Music technology - go figure) due to my upbringing in movies (think the Terminator crossed with Demon Seed via Event Horizon  - all within my grumpy head goo) I also printed out a paper copy of a route.

I really, really should have risked it with the paper


Knowing that I would be able to get to around 5 miles from where I was going without any guidance, I set off in high spirits - with a view to pulling over around where I was familiar. And this I did.

Which is where I made a very silly error.

My paper copy said go left - and Delia 'knowing better' said to go right.

I trusted her friendly, patronising and dulcet tones. 


This, if I am not mistaken - added around 10 miles to my journey (with change,) took around 20 minutes longer and stressed the hell out of me. Ball-ache - really does not cover it.

The thing is, Delia has done this before - more than once.

She forgets roundabouts exist, gives misleading instructions, sends me down dead ends - and various other annoyances.

And lets face it - I'm talking about Delia here- but I really am describing the problems with Sat-Navs in general.

To be very fair to them - and I really should be. Sat-Navs have made traveling to areas outside of your area a little easier.

My issue with them is more that - to use one, you need to put your trust in its hands - which is always always dangerous with a machine (Westworld, the Matrix, I Robot.)

We've all seen and laughed at idiots who have driven through streams or into super narrow lanes at a Sat-Nav's bequest. In an unknown area however, you can see almost see how people can get themselves into these scrapes - although there is evidently some lacking common sense going on there.

The moral I suppose is to trust road signs and maps rather than following the Sat-Nav like a mindless idiot. Have you ever noticed how many times the Sat-Nav seems to be taking you away from your destination!?

Rant over.

Rant 16 - 16/1/12 Subject: People who drive like idiots pt 1.

Rant number 16


The reason I have called this number 1 - is that doubtless in the remaining 350 odd days of the year. People will manage to piss me off again with this subject.

Anyway - on to the matter at hand.

People who drive like idiots!

I drive to work each day, to band at least twice a week & often go long distances at the weekend. In this time - I get plenty of chance for people to piss me off.

Usually, on a day to day basis, there is a good gap between the idiots and the normal people. Today however seems to have been some kind of dick driver convention.

So what have they been doing? I hear you cry?

For the most part, driving without giving a shit about those around you. And no, I don't mean speeding in this case - more often than not in fact, this means that people are driving very slowly for no apparent reason.

Example A came this evening on the motor way. As I have already made clear - there are roadworks on the M62 - covering approximately 90% of my daily routes (whoopdy fricken doo) and so most of the journey is spent at 50 miles per hour. Once out of this area, most people do put their foot back down to 70.

Not all however.

Some sit in the middle lane - doing around 63 miles an hour.

I mean why!? The lorries in the left hand lane are generally going at around 60, if you want to go at around 60 - just get in that lane.

As stated - the joyful roadworks continue. Today also - the 3 bloody workman I saw had coned off 2 lanes for around 12 bloody miles - firstly within the 50 zone then - even across the national speed limit area.

At the transition point, I was sitting doing 50 in the left hand lane the -after I saw the contra-flow I indicated right - to get into the right lane. Mr fucking patient behind me could have made room for me to come across, but decided to plow on ahead anyway.

Being a patient sort of fella, I let this wash over my back and slowed a little to let him past, then fell into place behind him.

Now this would have been fine but for one thing....

2 miles later when the motorway opened up again he went straight into the left hand lane at - you guessed it 50 fucking miles an hour.


What was the fucking rush then pal to squeeze me out!?


Finally - after an eternity of speed cameras, contra-flow and idiots, the slip-road came in sight and I escaped the motorway. As is very common, the motorway then joins a roundabout, from which you head into town - which is when fuckhead number 3 reared his ugly head.

He came from the left on the roundabout - no problems there - and I fell into place behind him - which is where it became clear, that in the 40 mile an hour zone we are occupying, he was determined to not exceed 25 miles per hour.

I really - really - really - really - really hate that!

I do not expect anyone to speed. The limits are there for a reason - and it is at each drivers discretion as to whether to exceed them. As stated previously however - particularly at night - limits tend to be a little on the slow side anyway. There is certainly no conceivable reason to drive at 15mph less than the limit in question - you are not driving safer, you are driving like a complete dick.

I mean, have these people not got homes to go to or places to be?

This equally applies to selfish people who crawl off from busy traffic lights etc. Think of all the people who will be stuck in the queue behind you - because you can't work out how to move off properly.

Still, another day comes tomorrow - maybe the idiots will be at a convention elsewhere...

Rant Over.

Rant 15 - 15/1/12 Subject: Americanisation

Rant number 15

I like foreign films

I don't watch them as some kind of pretension, or to be seen to be a fan of them in order to impress anyone. 

I just like them.

I don't mind subtitles personally, and am not too snooty to watch a dubbed copy of a foreign film with equal enjoyment.

And why would I want to watch them? Simply because they are often so much more imaginative than the formulaic clap-trap which is so common within the Hollywood films that we are force fed by our media.

This is not the subject of my rant. Some of Hollywood's films can be marvels, just as with foreign films, some can be turkeys. No, my beef is that the American's cannot do like I do - and just watch a film from another country and - god forbid enjoy it. 

No - for many many people, it seems that even a dubbed copy is far too much like hard work. After all - the original films do not have a Hollywood friendly cast list - as such they just must be terrible. 

America is after all, a big dumb animal and like any animal fears what it does not understand. 

For example, I give you 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.' A critically acclaimed version of this film was made in 2009 in Sweden (where the book was written.) The film was well received around the world and received an English dub in 2010 - so that it could be enjoyed by a wider audience.

This wasn't enough for the masses however. So a new shiny version was made, with a Hollywood heartthrob at the centre.

Was it needed? No. But you can bet that many people would not have watched the film, if it had been a dubbed foreign film.

And this is my issue with Americanisation. It plays to the masses - who take what they are given.

I am not in anyway, saying that all American's would prefer the Hollywood version to the original - but their mass culture (which is such an influence upon ours) tells us to be quiet, watch what they say and accept it gratefully like good children.

And it doesn't stop with movies does it?

So much of the TV we watch today comes from America. Their comedy is very different to ours for instance - and yet their shows are beginning to outnumber ours - by quite a large margin. And its the same with nearly everything we are fed! 

I love some American TV - so don't think I'm down on it. But nothing quintessentially British seems to be around at the moment. When will our generations Monty Python come along? The closest we probably have had for a while, is something like the IT crowd or the Mighty Boosh. Sadly however both of these things have been a bit quiet for a while.

Even as I type this blog post. The spell checker on my computer consistently suggests I replace my 's's for 'z's. I mean what is the deal with that!

I think that more effort should be made in Britain to keep things for ourselves. Regional dialects for instance continue to fade - partly I will admit due to migration within our own country but also because of the (often American) voices that our children consistently hear on TV.

Keep British mannerisms, words and films alive - and remember that a world exists beyond what we are fed. You might just have to look for it.

Rant over.

Rant 14 - 14/1/12 Subject: The ongoing saga of T-mobile & the artificially positive countenance

Rant number 14

The day after my phone broke, I phoned up T-mobiles customer service. I went through the rigmarole of the overzealous, over-specific and - quintessentially pointless auto-attendant (press #1 if you are loosing your will to live, press #2 if you would like us to courier you a cyanide pill to end it all etc etc.)

Finally, after going through no less than 57 options - it was (surprise surprise) ascertained that my problem was not to be solved by an chirpy digital woman. As such - I was finally put through to a human.....

In India

That she was not able to repair my phone was, not of a great surprise either, however - she was at least friendly. 

She was reluctant she said, to organise for my phone to be collected - as it could be the fault was of my doing (for like - actually using the phone you know.) She instead suggested that I take it to my local T-mobile shop.

Which I did today

Which is wear the 'smiler' came in.

I don't mind people in shops trying to be friendly. I've worked in shops - and getting on with people is often the best way to deal with them!

What I really - really - really - really - really - don't like, is people who's smiles are so forced and artificial - that they had just as well write 'fuck you' in tippex across their forehead.

So - I showed her my phone, showed her its problem and explained that the nice lady on the phone had said that they would be able to tell me if the issue was likely covered etc.

The answer to this from smiley tippex face?

'Sorry, we're not technicians. I wouldn't really know'

So why did the dosey bitch on the phone tell me you fucking would!?????

I kept my calm and counted to ten none the less. Which is when smiley dropped another bomb.

'Have you backed up your phone? They will wipe it when they repair?'

The answer of course is no. My phone will not charge- thus ipso facto, I have not been able to back it up. I think to be honest, that its a rather stupid thing to ask. 

May I point out also - that the fault with the phone - is mechanical.

It won't charge - so just needs a new charging port. So why do they need to wipe the software? Its ridiculous. 

I pointed this out to smiley tippex face fuck you lady very politely. And what did she say?

'They do it automatically. Its data protection?'

I'm not asking them to delve into the phone - nor even turn it on, beyond a simple test. I don't even want them to unlock the bloody thing. How does that violate anyones human rights....

Regardless- 'the thing is broken' I think. They'll just have to do it. 

And thats when smiley tippex face fuck you lady drops yet another little bomb - 'It will generally take between 2-3 weeks to repair this kind of phone. If they need parts however nearer to 5-6 or, if it has to go back to htc - maybe 8-9. '

And all through this, she's smiling her cheerful fucking grin and no doubt wishing I would fuck off.

At least 3 weeks for a simple repair and a known fault on this bloody handset. I mean - I could probably do this job my bloody self - but felt it was better to not void the phones warranty. 

My frustration really is that it is not a complex job. In a repair centre, they will not bother to even re-solder the affected component. Just replace the board.

This - for a professional cannot take more than - lets call it an hour, including testing and wiping my fucking data - even though it's not needed.

If you then take into account a day each way for transport - I still make that 456 hours - in which my phone will be sitting as an expensive paperweight. And that's apparently the minimum!

What a bloody saga!

Rant over.

Twitter

Hi guys.

I've decided to go social - so I have started a twitter account to go with this blog

@trums365rants

I'll be linking to this blog + adding extra pearls of wisdom, so feel free to add, enjoy - and suggest rants if you wish.

The network be social etc!

Rant 13 - 13/1/12 Subject: Superstition

Rant Number 13


What else, on Friday the 13th - could I write about!?

To start with, I would just like to make it clear that I am not referring to the fantastic 1973 Stevie Wonder hit 'Superstition,' about which I have no negative things to say.

No, I mean superstition in the literal sense. People worry about bad luck, bad juju - or whatever, brought on by everyday events etc.

And when I say people - I include my self, I have ceremonies for certain things (such as my regimen for brass band contents,) and feel more secure when these things happen.

The thing is though - even I know that these things don't have much if any bearing on the real world.
I have no plans for instance to go breaking a mirror any time soon - for fear of 7 years bad luck.

 I mean - my luck isn't the best at times anyway - so 7 years bad would not be great.

Truthfully though - surely breaking a mirror in the first place is generally going to be the result of bad luck - unless you have some kind of vendetta against polished surfaces. Going by this logic - a person who is suffering from 7 years of bad luck, is far more likely to break another mirror - resulting in another potentially 7 years bad luck.

Poor bastards! - 7 years, could become 14 could become 21 and so on.

This begs yet another question doesn't it? If you were say: 3 years roughly into your 7 years and you broke a second mirror - do you get 7 years from this point - making 10 years total - or do the bad vibes stack up - making 14.

If I may make another point as well - many actors have broken mirrors - for dramatic effect (usually with their fist - to make them look macho!)
If you break a mirror in character, does this count? Most actors are rich, famous and have a pretty easy time of things - so the logic of them being unlucky doesn't follow.

And speaking of actors (admittedly mainly the theatrical ones,) are they ever a superstitious bunch (with the possible exception of the mirror breaking with the fist to make you look macho thing.)

Say 'Macbeth' for instance to an actor, they will shy away from you (in a very lovey way) and will ask you not to speak of the 'Scottish play.' If you tell wish them good luck, they will berate you for dooming their performance - asking you instead to say 'break a leg.' They don't even approve of whistling - which is also bad luck.

More generally - there are literally hundreds - even thousands of superstitions around the world.

Some make sense to me: Not walking under a ladder for instance.

There is after all - actually a very real chance someone might drop something on you


Some don't: Black cat's are not going to cause you bad luck, just by being black...

All in all, what annoys me about superstitions is that we cannot resist them. I would like to feel that there is good luck out there sometimes - which means I suppose that I must accept the inverse.

Bloody stupid all round.

Rant over.

Rant 12 - 12/1/12 Subject: Commuting to work

Rant number 12


I hate bloody commuting. I mean, it makes so little sense.

Don't get me wrong, I need to get to my job - this is kind of essential to doing it - you know, the whole being in the building thing.

My job is also, as with many people - located a difference away from my home - about 11 miles - as the crow flies.

Thus getting from A to B is kind of necessarily.

'So why complain?' - I hear you cry?


Because - in a modern age, in our advanced society - it makes so little sense.

Public transport is total shite & expensive(don't worry, there will be a rant to follow)

As a result, more cars are on our already overflowing roads, each and every day.


And about 99 bloody percent of all the cars want to be on getting to work, school, college, Matalan  or wherever! - between 8.30 and 9 in the morning.

As such - each morning is a struggle against almost insurmountable odds. On the best days, if someone doesn't decide to collide with one of the other thousands of motorists (a sadly rare occurrence) a journey that should take quarter of an hour takes nearer to 50 minutes. On the worst days, it can grow to more than an hour of quarter. A waste of thousands of hours of our time and precious fuel every bloody day.

Surely, at this point in our evolution, we would have managed up with a way of making sure that everyone doesn't need to be going to the same kind of places - all at the same time.

As an alternative of course - the government could actually put some money back into the public services that the nutcracker (Margaret Thatcher) sold off and privatised. This way, they might - you know....actually work.

Then I won't have to sit in traffic, going at 12 miles a frickin hour, burning expensive fuel and getting closer to the point where my road rage will take over, and I will be forced to take my wheel jack out of my boot - and do something horribly inventive with it to that rude guy in the four by four.

It's not going to happen though (well not the investing in public services thing anyway....)

Rant over.

Rant 11 - 11/1/12 Subject: The sea of magnolia

Rant number 11

For todays rant, let me first tell you a story:

'Once upon a time, there was a hypothetical country - lets called it England.


In this hypothetical country, there were lots and lots of colours.


The inhabitants of said country, being a cheerful bunch daubed bright pigments and patterns around their homes and places of work in order to enjoy their surroundings.


And for many many years it was good.


As the country was nearing the end of its 20th century however, someone decided that these 'colours' were too much, and that 'neutral' was that much cooler.


And then - it wasn't good any more


The end'


I hate bloody magnolia paint.

I, like many people of my age rent a flat as opposed to owning my own home.

As a result, I am not in a position where I can decorate my home in the fashion which I would like.

And you can just guess what colour the walls are cant you?

I'm not saying that I want to paint the walls bright green with yellow polka-dots. But a little colour somewhere along the lines.

As if this wasn't enough, the rental agent have put up some lovely curtains too - also magnolia.

Certain sections of my flat look almost completely monotone.

But not quite.

Because magnolia is of course not quite white is it?

It's what is affectionally called 'off-white' (but is really just - white with a bit of yellow added.)

I mean - why not just white, if you're going to be boring? magnolia looks like someone has accidentally white paint with the wrong bloody paint wash!


I could almost tolerate the colour at home a little more, if it didn't stalk me everywhere I go. My work place has magnolia walls. My friends houses have magnolia walls. My local shop has magnolia walls.

I am being drowned in a sea of magnolia.

People of britain - nay the world, I petition you - bring back colour!

Rant over.

This is my artists impression of the sea of magnolia

Rant 10 - 10/1/12 Subject: Planned Obsolescence

Well - if nothing else I've made it to double figures!

Rant number 10

As discussed earlier in the week my phone is broken - which has really pissed me off.

It's also got me thinking about the deliberate & planned obsolescence which is present in so many of the products we buy today.

Now - to clarify for anyone who is not familiar with the term; planned obsolescence in a product is the practice of manufacturing something with a specific useful life cycle in mind. Once this is exceeded - the product will break, one way or another - forcing you to buy another.

Ipso facto: you are not buying a product - you are renting it - until it becomes as useful as a house brick.

Mobile phones (as with my bloody phone,) are a prime example of this. 

My last phone for instance - came up to its 2 year contracts completion and, because I was about to be made redundant - I decided to not upgrade. I went instead for a cheap residual contract of minutes and texts only.

If I remember rightly - the phone made it a further 3 weeks before it practically disintegrated.

Now as luck may have it, I did have a new job by this point and was able to get a shiny upgrade to my current (crappy) phone. 

Not quite 2 years later - here we are again.

Maybe its just that I don't look after them with the appropriate kid gloves that they deserve? 

I presume that the correct way to use your phone is to wrap it in cotton wool, bubble wrap, packing peanuts and bury it in an ebony box (under a full moon of course.)

Other examples are items which use rechargeable batteries. I have literally lost track of the amount of cordless phones that won't charge any more for instance.

I genuinely do not mind true obsolescence through innovation. That is how we as humans move forward. 

My first mobile phone (a Nokia 3310 - purchased for me for Christmas when I was around 13!) for instance had a LED screen in fetching green & black, buttons and - on top of the standard ability to deal with calls and - mightiest of all, snake 2 (on which I spent many an hour.)

This product would now be - quite fairly obsolete. In the modern world it would be outclassed and out-gunned by even the cheapest of modern phones.

This is an acceptable part of technological evolution.

What annoys me is being cheated! All manufacturers do it I'm sure- but phone companies seem to make it the most obvious.

Bastards

Rant over. 

Rant 9 - 9/1/12 Subject: People who park in my spot!

Rant number 9


It is not my intention to do many personal rants. I want to talk about things that apply mostly to all of us.

Today is a little more personal however, with any luck - many of you will have experienced this and can sympathise. Either way - it's what's pissed me off today, so what I'm talking about.

I live in a converted sunday school where there are sufficient parking spaces for each flat. There are even often enough spaces to allow for guests - as not everyone has a car.

Being a well run establishment - there is even a marking on each space with the flat number and a friendly but firm notice that says 'Parking for residents only.'

This is pretty clear as far as I am concerned. Easy to follow yes!?

Lets face it - a trained weasel with A.D.H.D, an addiction to speed, a caffeine enema and only one eye - could read, process and follow this information.

So why the fuck does someone have to park in my space!?

I play in brass bands and am out in the evenings on average twice a week between approximately 7.15pm and around 10.30pm.

Statistically then - you would think people would get the idea that this is my alloted parking space, from the 5 days on average a week that my car sits in its space from my return to work until the next morning.

So how is it - at least once a fortnight - a car is in my spot when I return from band - forcing me to make other arrangements.

Were the space not clearly marked - I really wouldn't mind. This would make all spaces fair game for anyone - I wouldn't mind. But that's not how it is. The space is nearest to my front door and so it is marked as ours. It makes sense.

The only conclusion is that - the person in question is:

Option A) As stupid as a man who tries to stop a lift door from closing, by wedging his testicles in the gap
Option B) Unable to read the clear signs (which would surely suggest that they are probably not particularly safe to drive anyway!)
Option C) Ignorant of the potential annoyance their parking in my spot is likely to cause
Option D) Pig fucking ignorant and disrespectful

Answers on the back of a £5 note for that one people.

Rant over.

Rant 8 - 8/1/12 Subject: My dependence on my phone

Rant number 8


Somewhere between Friday evening and Saturday night - my phone has buggered itself. In itself, this is not a huge problem to me.

My phone (a HTC desire,) has been a moderate & ever increasing disappointment. My phone you see, is a microcosm of the modern world. It tries to look good, it tries to impress, it tries to do everything and - in most of the ways that matter it does just that.

The issue is, everything that isn't that most, is in fact, the stuff that matters.

From the very beginning for instance, it's battery life has been a point of constant annoyance.

Talk about fatal bloody flaw! 

The phone can play videos, music, deal with ebooks and word documents, play games and entertain me in myriad different ways. It has a touch screen which works pretty well and a great big pretty screen.

But I can't use it (even when my phone works) much. Because I might occasionally have to use it as a phone - and the battery is bound to be dead when I try.

It's also slow, laggy, cheaply manufactured (thus the brokeness) out of inappropriate materials, and switches itself off for a variety of reasons that are of a complete mystery.

You get the idea

To get back on track to my point however, I need to confess something about my phone:-
It drives me round the bend, it's just not that good

but

I cannot live without the bloody thing!

None of us can you see. 

In the last 15 years or so, a mobile phone has gone from being a mere method of communication to a multi-media, camera, music playing, all singing, all dancing, social networking wonder device. This is great in some ways, it really is - but leaves us so dependent on our little rectangular companions. 

In turn -nearly all of us have let other devices fall by the wayside - a loss that we only feel when the unimaginable happens.

To give you it in context:-

I use my phone to wake me in the morning - so have no other form of alarm clock

I use my phone to take pictures ad hoc - so I don't have to carry my camera everywhere

I use my phone to play music when I'm out and about - so I don't need to carry an MP3

I use my phone to keep up with social networks - so I don't have to carry a computer

I use my phone to keep in touch wife my wife - my family and my friends, so I don't have to carry around around a kg of pocket change.

I even use it to keep up with my blog!

In short - at the moment I feel a little bit naked. What if someone wants to call me at this moment!? How do I wake up in the morning!? How will be able to google random things to amuse myself!?

When on earth did my phone become such an appendage to me. It's not like I've lost my spleen is it!?

My own dependence puts me to shame!

Rant over.

Rant 7 - 7/1/12 Subject: Speed cameras

Rant Number 7


So what was my bone of contention in the last 24 hours?

Speed cameras

Now don't get me wrong, I would like the roads to be safe for my self and my friends and family. I know that this presents a paradox, as speed is often the cause of danger on the roads. The thing is, that speed cameras for the most part, just don't work, except to fill the coffers of those at the sharp end.

Speed cameras cannot be hidden from view,so it's just not possible to make them work the way that the police would like anyway. People continue to speed up to a few meters before the camera, slow down to below the limit, then accelerate off again as soon as possible.

So why do people mostly speed anyway? Because a lot of the time speed limits just don't represent a realistic picture of an area.

I understand a 30 mile an hour speed limit in a built up area with houses during the day. But this stands even at 10pm at night - when you would like to think that kids would be safe in beds. In some areas, the speed limit drops to 20 miles an hour. Which just isn't terribly practical in a car with an engine bigger than a house brick.

So why have the cameras??
Because some people make expensive mistakes.

Those who get caught are rarely making a die hard effort to speed. To be rebels or anything of the sort.
No - most people just get caught out when they loose concentration very briefly, or get confused about the ridiculous limits.
If the cameras succeed - they are not making the road safer. Surely that says it all.

And they do succeed, quite a bit - speed cameras are big 'road safety' money!

Now so far, I've only discussed the static cameras however- some bright spark has made things so much worse in recent years. The joy which is the 'average speed camera.'

These cameras - actually do work.

You are forced, by avert of not exceeding the average speed across the zones, to indeed keep to the speed dictated.

This would be no problem, as previously stated - if the speed in question made sense.

It doesn't though

Often these cameras are used on the motorway when roadworks are being undertaken, and when the speed limit is being reduced by upwards of 25%. At the moment - one of Yorkshires main vein roads - the M62, has bloody miles of roadworks - all at 50 miles an hour.

Does this make the road safer for those working or those driving on it?

Does it my arse!

The news reported that 1000% more speeding fines have been levied in the several months so far (with no sign of completion) that these road works have been going on. I have not seen so far any work taking place however - in these supposedly 'safer zones' (infact, I have seen many people driving more dangerously, in mere frustration)

So in summary, speed cameras are overused to make money out of the already wrung dry motorist, and it's bloody annoying!

Rant over.

Rant 6 - 6/1/12 Subject: Fluffy news

Rant number 6


Hello again guys and girls.

So what have I got for you today? What's been getting on my nerves?

Fluffy bloody news.

So what is that I hear you cry? It's the watered down, inane idiot crap, that is used to fill in the gaps between real news stories.

We live in a 24 hour society don't we? You can read my blog from anywhere in the world - at any time of day and find out what I think. The same token can be applied then to the news.

If Tom Cruise starts eating babies in the name of scientology in the US (and lets face it, that's not exactly out of the realms of possibility) and is caught in the act of coating a helpless infant in barbecue sauce and cayenne pepper - you can bet that, within mere minutes - an Australian Lighthouse keeper will be shaking his head in disapproval.

This is because of the massive explosion of media communication that has happened within the last decade.

The internet alone has grown hugely in popularity in this time and offers news sites, blogs, video streams, e-mails, tweets and Facebook articles - to name but a few.
Then you need to take into account newspapers, the radio (which offers bulletins multiple times an hour) and multiple news broadcasts on multiple TV channels every day.

Finally - incase you had not managed to catch up on current events at any point along the way, there are 24 hour news channels - to ensure you haven't missed a thing!

News Bloody Overload!


Now in truth, I don't mind this too much. I like to hear the news, if it's worth hearing.

But for the most part...it isn't

Because - despite popular belief to the contrary. Something truly newsworthy does not happen at every moment of every single day! Which brings me to fluffy news...

Fluffy news is what they use to plug in the gaps between the truly newsworthy stuff.

As stated in rant number 4, I like to watch the news in the morning, but - in truth, struggle to find any!

In the last few weeks alone, I have watched news reports about a man who painted a giant 30 mile an hour sign on his house, a cat who went on epic journey and the misadventures of those who follow sat-navs like mindless zombies.

That I have to find my real brain food elsewhere, is a constant frustration!

In the morning, I can almost forgive this. I suppose that real news could be considered a little downbeat.

The problem is, on the 24 hour news channels, there just isn't enough news to go around! So what do they do - stretch out the fluffy news to epic proportion!

This is the cause of yet another annoyance - the ' breaking news update' - another province of the 24 hour news channels. These are required strictly to cut through the crap that the channel is showing (like that surf boarding squirrel and the nutter who tied himself to the birch tree in front of the local council offices) to show some real news.

Would it not just be easier to just report the news when it is report worthy, and forget the fluff?

!!!!!!!Breaking news!!!!!!!!!!
It pisses me right off

Rant over.

Rant 5 - 5/1/12 Subject: The bastardisation of the English language

Here we go again

Rant Number 5

I thought today's subject was to be the way that people drive. And no doubt, had I not popped in for petrol, this would have been todays subject (don't worry, it will be my subject sooner or later).

Filling up with petrol is not in itself a traumatic experience (apart from the cost), so this wasn't what bugged me.

No, what suddenly changed my mind and upped my pulse was a sticker in the rear windscreen of the card in front of me which read:

'Don't be Jel, be Reem'

That I had to do an internet search for the meaning of this phrase says it all doesn't it?

Apparently this is street talk for 'Don't be Jealous, be gorgeous/cool.' Made famous by characters featured upon 'The Only Way is Essex,' 'A Dramality' (Drama Reality) set in - you guessed it, Essex.

I have already covered reality TV in rant number 2, so you can guess what I think of - and I quote 'real people in modified situations, saying unscripted lines but in a structured way.' This isn't what this rant is about however.

No, what I find to be profoundly distressing is the addition of words into our noble language that would put a room full of babbling toddlers to shame.

Our language is old, and has gone through many changes I will grant. I accept that words and phraseology does change organically. I know that we do not now speak the Old English of the Saxons & that few Latin words remain. All this I accept with open arms.

I feel however that 'street speak,' and digital technology & the media is doing irreparable damage to the modern English language.

A local fashion for instance, is to say 'Peng' (as in cool, great etc) & Deng as a logical equivalent.

I mean really!?

Are good, cool, great, fabulous, brilliant, fabulous, sterling, wonderful or splendid really not sufficient words to cover something positive? 

Evidently not.

And these words only offend out-loud. The worst crimes tend to take place when real words are misspelt through pig ignorance or through deliberate action in order to look 'wel kool'

Even a common pronoun like you - a might 3 letters long and featuring a whopping one syllable is shortened to 'u' - not just to save letters on a text message any more but because it is in some way considered so much more street smart to save your fingers on those 2 other letters (lets face it - we're talking about another 200% effort.)

Why can't people talk properly, write properly and not - well be people.

Rant over.

Rant 4 - 4/1/12 Subject: The injustice of justice

Rant Number 4

I didn't have to think a great deal about todays rant. 

It came to me early this morning whilst I was practicing my early morning ritual.

After rising from the bed and fetching my clothes, I like to watch the news and find out what's going on with the world, the weather and the traffic.

Rarely does the news at this time of day move me terribly. In my half awake state - it is hard to rouse me from my stupor, and the news at this time is generally by necessity quite light.

Not so this morning

Stephen Lawrence was a name that was thrown around a lot when I was a child, on the news, in newspapers and in the conversations of everyone around me.

An unlucky boy walked along the wrong street at the wrong time, met 5 deplorable pieces of human filth and was stabbed to death and left to die. This was not a unique case in a time when racial tension was rife however, the way that the police dealt with the initial investigation (badly) and the dignity with which Stephen's parents tried to salvage some good from this tragic loss - to publicise a more equal britain made this case unique.

19 years have passed by now and finally, evidence has been produced in order to punish two of these five appalling and disgusting individuals.

A time for justice then surely?

Not quite

My anger you see is not only directed today at these two scum, but at the authorities insistence on finding ways to lessen the punishments handed down to them.

You see, despite the fact that these men are 35 & 36 respectively (bear in mind my friends that this is at the very least 17 years more than poor Stephen ever got) and that 18 years have passed now since that tragic day back in 1993 - they are to be tried as minors - meaning that a cushier sentence can and 'must' be handed out. As such only a sentence of 14 & 15 years respectively has been given to these persons. 

The judge's hands were of course 'tied' by legal president and red tape, as even Stephen's poor mother admitted. 

Which makes it all OK doesn't it?

NO!

At the very least, surely additional charges for wasting policing time, perverting the course of justice or something could have been added, or an exception made in light of the situation?

I am disgusted that something more can not be done. 15 years is not enough after leaving that poor family without any form of closure for all this time.

The Lawrence's sentence really is for life - a loss that is like a raw wound every time this story surfaces.

More should be done, more could be done - but nothing more will be done.

The whole thing makes me livid.

Rant over.

Rant 3 - 3/1/12 Subject: January sales

Rant number 3


It is impossible to turn on the television, open a newspaper/magazine, listen to the radio or walk down the street at the moment without some chuffer trying to sell you something, and I've had just about enough of it!

With Christmas just weeks ago. I - like so many persons all around the country, the globe & no doubt the whole frickin' galaxy - am feeling spent out, both mentally, figuratively and physically.

On Christmas eve when the whole thing is done, I would love it to all be over. For the bedlam of consumerism to evaporate - making way for Christmas spirit, family unity and all the other crap that the Christmas movies would have us believe.

Does that happen though?
Does it bollocks


After panic buying household goods, presents, food & drink - just because the shops will be shut for a single day (shock horror!)
Families venture out on Boxing day, not to wish well to the world like some kind of modern Ebenezer Scrooge or promenading Dickensian urchins - but to spend more money, in the promise of discounted goods.

That these are not things we needed or wanted until the discount appeared is of course never obvious until its to late. Cupboards full of unused and forlorn sandwich toasters and foot spas are testament to the power of the percentage!

Because that's what its all about isn't it?

50% off sets our pulses racing because none of us can resist a bargain.

That half of the goods are put on sale for gratuitously inflated prices and stocked up on - specifically to be sold at sale prices later is the trick of it all - you'd be surprised just how short an amount of time most products are sold at that oh so expensive 'was' price.

The whole thing gets on my wick, use holiday time with your love ones and remember - some poor sap has to be working for you to enjoy those magic prices.

Rant over.

Rant 2 - 2/1/12 Subject: Reality TV

So here we ago again.

Rant number 2


So what annoys me about TV? Quite a lot as the case may be.

At its best, TV can be a fantastic way to spend an evening. Well written, intuitive, witty and entertaining.

As a child, there were only 4 channels to watch and so only 4 channels to program for. As such- although some of the programming was dull (particularly as most of it was for 'grown-ups') it was all properly produced and reasonably high quality programming.

To create programs like this however is expensive. Actors, directors, writers, producers et all, are an expensive bunch.  In the modern age, this can cause a problem - as things are certainly not getting any cheaper!

To top this off too, there are now hundreds of channels to choose from, so more programming is needed in general. The sums just don't add up!

One solution would be to try and offer less channels of a better quality.

This does not however fit with the philosophy of the TV producers,  who have little respect for quality, where an easy buck can be made.

-

I imagine a meeting took place somewhere along the lines, a brainstorming session with all the up and coming movers & shakers. 'We need ideas, we need a plan, we need hours and hours of cheap cheap TV, what's the plan?'
Some thinking followed, some ideas thrown around, then a little man at the back of the room put up his hand 'what about we put normal people on TV, they won't even need paying'

And from there reality TV was birthed, kicking & screaming into the world.

Thousands of hours of this stuff exists now, most of it cringeworthy to the extreme. Little of it is anywhere near watchable.

And the worst of all, is that it feeds exponentially upon itself. Members of the public 'star' on programs such as Big Brother, where they achieve a modicum of 'success'(notoriety,) becoming household names for doing nothing. They then are taken upon the celebrity versions of these programs, despite having done nothing but attending these programs to start with.

There is also endless contests such as X-factor and strictly come dancing. Where the endless manufacturing of pop 'stars' has been made more transparent than ever before!

All in all, reality TV is like a poisonous Ivy, creeping its way into the delicate mortar of televisions figurative wall. Alas, it is now too late to rip it away from the wall, for fear that the roots are too deep, and that the wall would crumble without it.

The only consolation I suppose is that the vast amount of channels makes it possible to avoid the rubbish and still occasionally find something watchable.

And that is why, I cannot stand reality TV!

Rant over.

Rant 1 - 1/1/12 Subject: New years resolutions

And so it begins ladies and gentleman.

Rant number 1

I've chosen something topical to begin with, something close to everyones hearts, New Years bloody resolutions.

The idea of a resolution - a plan to make a change, a renaissance or to improve yourself - is always something that I salute. That side of it is just fine.
All of us can and most probably should improve ourselves in some way, whether its to eat a little less, get a little fitter or give something negative up like smoking or drinking.

My problem with the whole thing is the 'new year' part, which excuses us from taking action as and when the thought takes us!

This blog for instance, has been my intended new years resolution for no less than 3 consecutive years. 

It is only this year however that I have got to this stage - actually putting pen to paper figuratively.
'So why didn't I do it before?' I hear you cry

Simple - I got to a couple of days past new year and thought 'I've left it a little late now haven't I, it would seem odd to start at this arbitrary day, I'll start again next year.'

For me that's fine, not writing this blog will not have any particular physical ill effects (other than the minor risk of anger overload by not venting these angry thoughts.) But for someone planning to make a genuine change to their lives, the result of procrastinating year on year, could be catastrophic.

The other thing that really gets my goat about these bloody resolutions is that barely any of us stick to them do we!?

As such, something that should be a positive and life affecting change, becomes a joke.

Gym memberships skyrocket at this time, and for 2, maybe 3 weeks - those who have purchased them diligently attend the gym, boasting to their friends, colleagues, neighbors and anyone who will listen about how 'fit and youthful' they feel as a result.
Then things begin to slip: 'I would go' thinks our example person, 'but that show I quite like is on this evening.' Or simply 'I've had a long day at work, I'll go tomorrow'
And tomorrow, as they say - never comes


The problem you see, is that there is no magic to new year. None at all. Its just another day (with the notable acceptation that we don't generally have to work on it, I will admit.)

As such,  by waiting until the 1st of the year, you are merely practicing procrastination, and - as such merely increasing the chance that you will abandon your life affecting resolution, leaving it until another 'magic' 1st of the 1st comes along.

Those who give up cigarettes, booze, swearing or fried food should want to give it up and do it. The date is irrelevant.

And that my friends is why I do not approve of new years resolutions.

Rant over.

Mission statement

Hello and welcome to my blog.

The subject of this blog as you can probably guess is my annoyance and anger at the world.

I intend on each day (or the following day if I do miss any) to choose a subject rant about.

If all goes well, I intend to do this for 366 days (1 for each of the days in the year bearing in mind it is a leap year)

I hope that you enjoy my bleak view of the world and enjoy the subjects, which I choose.