Rant 193 11/7/12 Subject: Fake Tan

Rant number 193

''Oompah, Oompah, Oopedy Doo

I've got a real pet hate for you

Oompah, Oompah, Oopedy Dee

If you spray fake tan, you'll look real silly.'

Your skin tone is something its not easy to change. Certainly not in country where the sun is in most short supply. Getting a tan involves spending large periods of time in the sun, which for most of us is not easy to do.

As such, many of us walk round with our natural skin tones - and personally I don't see what the hell is wrong with that. Yes I am as pale as a bleached polar bear - but that's part of my make-up. My family are reasonably pale too, so it's to be expected.

Put it this way, I came back from a fortnight in Athens with little more than an off-white pair of forearms and lower legs. Tanning is not an option for me.

This applies also to my wife. She is fair haired, pale skinned - and burns (I blame her Scottish lineage!) then fades before she tans. 

Tanning then, is not an option for me - and frankly who gives a shit.

I look like I do, a darker skin tone isn't going to make me look any better. It could however look far worse.

Which - brings me to my point.

Many others too cannot tan, but are a little less gracious about it. 

Fake tan then. Brown stuff in a bottle or spray that will give you a 'sun blushed' look. Sales patter that for 'we can make you look orange'

Fake tan is almost always so obvious it's genuinely pathetic. People tan the palms of their hands (not something we naturally do) or leave lines and streaks, or turn themselves the colour of a Caramac (horrible chocolate bar, for those not familiar.)

Then there is the so called 'tanarexia' effect. People who get used to their Caramac colour, then decide its too light, slapping more fake tan on. This ends up with the oompah loompah look that is so flattering upon slightly overweight, over made-up lasses in every night club.

The funny thing is, that it's not even cheap. Some of it costs a bloody fortune, looks rubbish and is only temporary. Why bother? If you aren't made to tan, your hair colour and eye colour probably don't fit with the look. Thus, the whole thing follows on; fake hair, fake nails, fake eye colour contacts = look like a bit of a big fat, over made-up oomph loompah slag.

Stand up for your own skin colour people! It's your colour, you are unique. You can't buy unique in a bottle.

Rant over.