Rant 278 4/10/12 Subject: Terrible narratives

Rant number 278

After seeing 'The Room' (a film so bad it got its own rant) I was pretty sure I'd hit rock bottom in terms of movies.

Once again however, the world stood up, dropped its kecks and showed me the words 'think again douchebag' tattooed in large letters across it's butt cheeks.

I've had a busy few weeks and so hadn't managed to pick some new Love Film choices for a while. In a bit of a whimsical mood - I 'took a punt' and chose a couple of movies that sounded interesting enough.

Really though, I hadn't thought it through properly.

Now, I seemed to remember in both cases having looked at the movies in a shop and having thought that they looked OK. Maybe though - I should have taken a hint by the fact that I didn't feel inclined to purchase them.

Movie number one - turned out to be a CGI based narrative, that still managed to be badly acted (both voice and characters) and I made it through 10 minutes.

Movie number two - I managed to sit through. 124 minutes of my time wasted, destroyed. I'd just as well have spent the time reading a book by Jeffrey Archer. Fucking hell is that guy a complete arsehole.

The film had for about 90% of its screen time only one location. It had terrible acting & cinematography. Dialogue both dry and shallow. It had unexplored and heavy handed ideas left, right and centre. That and its general plot and premise was incredibly pointless.

Not to 'ruin' this gem for you - I shall summarise.

A collection of cliches get stuck in a lift. A Jewish comedian, a rich but opinionated businesses man, an arab, a fat guy, a jock, his girlfriend, a pregnant lady, (impregnated by the jock - culminating in a pointless and unexplored scene where this is unveiled,) a bratty child and a fat old woman who has a bomb.

The child plays with the lift - leaving them in the lift. The fat lady then reveals that she has a bomb strapped to herself - which is useful.
For reasons never explained, the people at the other end of the lift do absolutely fuck all about the problem. Despite them having mobile phones and being stuck 49 floors up, they wait hours - and spend the time squabbling and bitching (and generally making you not care for any of them) and calling the newspaper where the girlfriend works.

Rather than trying to take any steps before they are imminently going to explode, they wait until things are ready panic stricken before attempting some truly stupid attempts at making themselves safe. For instance - several people hold open the lift doors so that the jock can hang out - and try and press the button on the floor above...whilst hanging out of the door.

Inevitably - he loses an arm and is promptly forgotten about. Frankly - if you want to be that stupid you kind of deserve to lose an extremity.

Only after finding out that they have about 3 minutes left until the bomb is going to explode (a figure they seem quite sure of - bearing in mind the only person who knows exactly when they set the thing is fucking dead!) do they actually think about getting the bomb out of the way by cutting it off of fatso lady. That they could have had hours to do this if they'd used their brains in the first place is just yet another fucking flaw.

Finally - just before imminent explosion, the SWAT team (who have guns for a rescue mission?!) arrive in time to rescue everyone except fatso - whose final line is 'I guess I'm the Hero' who is in the lift that explodes.

Guess what fatso - you aren't the hero. You are just too fat to escape. Exactly what did you do to make you a hero? Have one of the stupidest final lines ever?

Getting back to the SWAT team, what the hell have they been doing for the hour proceeding. Why did they need to turn up at the last minute. They could have rescued everyone (even fatso) disabled the bomb and been home in time for tea. I mean - did they stop for takeaway or donuts on the way? They are meant to be in the middle of the financial district. How far away can the nearest fucking police station be?

What a ridiculously terrible narrative. Derisive, pointless and plain terrible.

Rant over.

Rant 43 - 12/2/12 Subject: The overuse of twist endings

Rant number 43


This one goes out to you - M Night Shyamalan.

What kind of name is that anyway? He sounds like a really knaff superhero. And we all know what superpower he would have don't we? The ability to invent pointless 'twist endings' (of the variety you can see coming from 4 miles away.

Anyway - this is not a rant about mr Shylamlan. It just happens to be, that he is guilty of this more than often.

The 'twist ending' in a movie.

Now the occasional movie having a twist is fine. I quite like to be genuinely surprised - astounded even. But the thing is, a twist ending is like a good steak.

I love steak (mmmm steak.) Its tasty and yummy (especially with peppercorn sauce.)
Love it though I do however, I could not eat steak for every meal (for the sake of my bowels - if nothing else.)

A twist ending is just the same. Films are all about cliché's and conventions by necessity (unless you are talking about art house films, which no-one actually likes,) but good films try and be original with these.
A twist ending is lazy storytelling and almost always disappoints me.

Now until recent times, a twist ending was not used a great deal in film. In fact it was pretty rare until...

Mr Shyamalan broke onto the scene with his blockbusting hit 'The 6th Sense.'

Now I would be doing him a bit of a disservice not to admit that the film is OK on first watching. The thing is that - because it is a film all about a twist - it becomes pointless to watch again. I love films that I can re-watch over and over again.

The second time I watched the sixth sense, it was just a rather dull pedestrian plod of a film (and one that regrettably has allowed Mr Shyamalan to make some even worse movies like 'The Village' and 'The Happening'(God almighty is that film fucking awful. I mean, its just so fucking stupid. And the characters are really really shit and the whole thing is a complete mess(the films really really bad people, if you haven't watched it thus far, don't do it. Rub salt in your eyes instead or something along those lines, it will have about the same effect(though don't actually do that people, I am exaggerating, your eyes are not playthings, don't rub anything in your eyes!))))

After this film came along as well, everyone thought it was important to put a twist in their movie in order for it to be valid. As such - it became a twist not to have a twist in a movie. How screwed up is that crap!

All in all, don't be lazy in your storytelling. Impress me with what you have to say in your story. Don't fall back on lazy cliches!

Rant over.