Rant 278 4/10/12 Subject: Terrible narratives

Rant number 278

After seeing 'The Room' (a film so bad it got its own rant) I was pretty sure I'd hit rock bottom in terms of movies.

Once again however, the world stood up, dropped its kecks and showed me the words 'think again douchebag' tattooed in large letters across it's butt cheeks.

I've had a busy few weeks and so hadn't managed to pick some new Love Film choices for a while. In a bit of a whimsical mood - I 'took a punt' and chose a couple of movies that sounded interesting enough.

Really though, I hadn't thought it through properly.

Now, I seemed to remember in both cases having looked at the movies in a shop and having thought that they looked OK. Maybe though - I should have taken a hint by the fact that I didn't feel inclined to purchase them.

Movie number one - turned out to be a CGI based narrative, that still managed to be badly acted (both voice and characters) and I made it through 10 minutes.

Movie number two - I managed to sit through. 124 minutes of my time wasted, destroyed. I'd just as well have spent the time reading a book by Jeffrey Archer. Fucking hell is that guy a complete arsehole.

The film had for about 90% of its screen time only one location. It had terrible acting & cinematography. Dialogue both dry and shallow. It had unexplored and heavy handed ideas left, right and centre. That and its general plot and premise was incredibly pointless.

Not to 'ruin' this gem for you - I shall summarise.

A collection of cliches get stuck in a lift. A Jewish comedian, a rich but opinionated businesses man, an arab, a fat guy, a jock, his girlfriend, a pregnant lady, (impregnated by the jock - culminating in a pointless and unexplored scene where this is unveiled,) a bratty child and a fat old woman who has a bomb.

The child plays with the lift - leaving them in the lift. The fat lady then reveals that she has a bomb strapped to herself - which is useful.
For reasons never explained, the people at the other end of the lift do absolutely fuck all about the problem. Despite them having mobile phones and being stuck 49 floors up, they wait hours - and spend the time squabbling and bitching (and generally making you not care for any of them) and calling the newspaper where the girlfriend works.

Rather than trying to take any steps before they are imminently going to explode, they wait until things are ready panic stricken before attempting some truly stupid attempts at making themselves safe. For instance - several people hold open the lift doors so that the jock can hang out - and try and press the button on the floor above...whilst hanging out of the door.

Inevitably - he loses an arm and is promptly forgotten about. Frankly - if you want to be that stupid you kind of deserve to lose an extremity.

Only after finding out that they have about 3 minutes left until the bomb is going to explode (a figure they seem quite sure of - bearing in mind the only person who knows exactly when they set the thing is fucking dead!) do they actually think about getting the bomb out of the way by cutting it off of fatso lady. That they could have had hours to do this if they'd used their brains in the first place is just yet another fucking flaw.

Finally - just before imminent explosion, the SWAT team (who have guns for a rescue mission?!) arrive in time to rescue everyone except fatso - whose final line is 'I guess I'm the Hero' who is in the lift that explodes.

Guess what fatso - you aren't the hero. You are just too fat to escape. Exactly what did you do to make you a hero? Have one of the stupidest final lines ever?

Getting back to the SWAT team, what the hell have they been doing for the hour proceeding. Why did they need to turn up at the last minute. They could have rescued everyone (even fatso) disabled the bomb and been home in time for tea. I mean - did they stop for takeaway or donuts on the way? They are meant to be in the middle of the financial district. How far away can the nearest fucking police station be?

What a ridiculously terrible narrative. Derisive, pointless and plain terrible.

Rant over.

Rant 182 30/6/12 Subject: Government enquiries

Rant number 182

The banks have been and done in again. This time it's mis-selling insurance and pushing the interest rates about for their own ends.

The opposition leader has stated that the system is fundamentally corrupt- which it is. But so is the government and so is labour.

None the less, he is now demanding that a full enquiry is made into the banking sector.

In principal this is great. I would lo e for our banks to be less corrupt and for people to receive justice.

Like it or not though, the financial landscape does not change, however much you want it to - and an enquiry isn't going to fix it.

Like the Leveson enquiry though, I can only see it dragging on for years and costing the tax payer a fortune.

And really, does ascertaining that they are doing wrong fix the problem?

No

And while we are on the subject of enquiries. I'd be much more interested on an impartially run enquiry into government corruption, nepotism and general self serving.

I can't see any of the bastards looking into that though!

Rant over.

Rant 158 6/6/12 Subject: The sales e-mail

Rant number 158


Nearly every job in an office environment these days involves e-mails. I don't even want to think about how many e-mails I've answered in my working life. Probably enough to pile them all up and make a very tall pile...

Mostly, e-mails are on topic - which is fine. Queries, things that need to be sorted out etc etc. They might get on my nerves fair enough - but they are my job to work through.

At least 3 times a week, week after week, month after month & year after year however, a different type of e-mail has started to turn up: the sales e-mail.

You see, when you have any web presence at all these days - money is to be made: which means that someone else thinks they can get some.

'We can improve your web presence' is a common phrase.
'Search Engine Optimisation' is another.

And what do these things me? It means - give us money and we will do something you could do yourself.

I mean - don't get me wrong, you might need to pay google to get pushed up the rankings, but paying someone else in the middle is not going to make things any cheaper.

And the persistence of these idiots is just infuriating. They can all do it better, cheaper and more efficiently than any of the other idiots who offer the same thing.

Do they really think that I can down in the last shower?

The rediculousness of sending off unasked for  e-mails to every company online, just on the off change that some idiot may take them up on it.

If only there was some way of creating some kind of reply e-mail - that would cause the reader to have a spontaneous, wet and messy bowel movement, I might be able to put a stop to this kind of thing!

If anyone has any suggestions on how I could accomplish that, that would be pretty cool!

Rant over.