Rant 278 4/10/12 Subject: Terrible narratives

Rant number 278

After seeing 'The Room' (a film so bad it got its own rant) I was pretty sure I'd hit rock bottom in terms of movies.

Once again however, the world stood up, dropped its kecks and showed me the words 'think again douchebag' tattooed in large letters across it's butt cheeks.

I've had a busy few weeks and so hadn't managed to pick some new Love Film choices for a while. In a bit of a whimsical mood - I 'took a punt' and chose a couple of movies that sounded interesting enough.

Really though, I hadn't thought it through properly.

Now, I seemed to remember in both cases having looked at the movies in a shop and having thought that they looked OK. Maybe though - I should have taken a hint by the fact that I didn't feel inclined to purchase them.

Movie number one - turned out to be a CGI based narrative, that still managed to be badly acted (both voice and characters) and I made it through 10 minutes.

Movie number two - I managed to sit through. 124 minutes of my time wasted, destroyed. I'd just as well have spent the time reading a book by Jeffrey Archer. Fucking hell is that guy a complete arsehole.

The film had for about 90% of its screen time only one location. It had terrible acting & cinematography. Dialogue both dry and shallow. It had unexplored and heavy handed ideas left, right and centre. That and its general plot and premise was incredibly pointless.

Not to 'ruin' this gem for you - I shall summarise.

A collection of cliches get stuck in a lift. A Jewish comedian, a rich but opinionated businesses man, an arab, a fat guy, a jock, his girlfriend, a pregnant lady, (impregnated by the jock - culminating in a pointless and unexplored scene where this is unveiled,) a bratty child and a fat old woman who has a bomb.

The child plays with the lift - leaving them in the lift. The fat lady then reveals that she has a bomb strapped to herself - which is useful.
For reasons never explained, the people at the other end of the lift do absolutely fuck all about the problem. Despite them having mobile phones and being stuck 49 floors up, they wait hours - and spend the time squabbling and bitching (and generally making you not care for any of them) and calling the newspaper where the girlfriend works.

Rather than trying to take any steps before they are imminently going to explode, they wait until things are ready panic stricken before attempting some truly stupid attempts at making themselves safe. For instance - several people hold open the lift doors so that the jock can hang out - and try and press the button on the floor above...whilst hanging out of the door.

Inevitably - he loses an arm and is promptly forgotten about. Frankly - if you want to be that stupid you kind of deserve to lose an extremity.

Only after finding out that they have about 3 minutes left until the bomb is going to explode (a figure they seem quite sure of - bearing in mind the only person who knows exactly when they set the thing is fucking dead!) do they actually think about getting the bomb out of the way by cutting it off of fatso lady. That they could have had hours to do this if they'd used their brains in the first place is just yet another fucking flaw.

Finally - just before imminent explosion, the SWAT team (who have guns for a rescue mission?!) arrive in time to rescue everyone except fatso - whose final line is 'I guess I'm the Hero' who is in the lift that explodes.

Guess what fatso - you aren't the hero. You are just too fat to escape. Exactly what did you do to make you a hero? Have one of the stupidest final lines ever?

Getting back to the SWAT team, what the hell have they been doing for the hour proceeding. Why did they need to turn up at the last minute. They could have rescued everyone (even fatso) disabled the bomb and been home in time for tea. I mean - did they stop for takeaway or donuts on the way? They are meant to be in the middle of the financial district. How far away can the nearest fucking police station be?

What a ridiculously terrible narrative. Derisive, pointless and plain terrible.

Rant over.

Rant 274 30/9/12 Subject: 'The Room'

Rant number 274

Last week, someone told me about 'The Room.'

We were talking about woefully terrible films. I of course brought up - the classic terrible film of terrible films - a movie called 'Plan 9 From Outer Space.' Which is a terrible mess of a film and yet a joy to watch. This has given it a cult following of sorts. Theres even a brilliant film about its making - called 'Ed Wood' (Directed by Tim Burton & Starring Jonny Depp.)

The other person (one of my work colleagues) assured me that 'The Room' was far worse. I disagreed (believing foolishly that I'd seen the worst film I possibly could already.

How wrong I was.

Today - I did not watch the Room. My life is too short for me to sit down and make a conscious effort to waste time making myself miserable.
A visitor however, put on a comedic review of The Room - which featured a great deal of its scenes and content - interjected with some funny reactions.

In total then, I think that I tolerated around 10 minutes of the films appalling content - and can quantifiably confirm that:

Should you make the effort of watching The Room, you will:

• Want to kill yourself afterwards
• Loose no less than 30 points of your IQ
• Loose 99 minutes of your life you will never ever get back
• Want to set fire to all involved - your DVD player, your TV, the cables between the two, your sofa, your carpet, your living room and finally your whole fucking house - just to get rid of the applying memories of the mind numbing shit you have just viewed.

Just from the bits I saw, the acting is legendary in its ineptness. I swear to you - that I've seen more convincing renderings of character in my Cousin's Nativity plays (and I'll be honest to you - I always have struggled to feel 'lost' in the story when children are shouting, chewing their costumes and mumbling their lines.)

I've seen bad acting on TV, on the stage and in soaps before - and I don't understand how these people get to be in the positions they are in with so little talent. The Room however, is something completely different. The main character (Actor, Director, Producer) Tommy Wiseau - alone, is worse than anything I have ever seen - ever. Which in itself is impressive.

In summary, do not watch the Room, ever. 

I've warned you. 

Really. 

I'm not kidding. 

I mean - go out and do it if you want. 

I'm not your mum. 

I'm not forbidding you.

If you want to turn your own brain into silly putty.

Go ahead and do it.

I've made my feelings clear.

Stop going on about it.

Alright.

Right.

That's it now.

I'm not going to continue further.

That's it now.

Right then.

Ok...

Rant over.