Rant 60 - 29/2/12 Subject: Leap years

Rant number 60


As doubtless you all will have noticed, today is February the 29th. That's one day more than there should be in February and one more day in the year - and thus, one extra bloody rant! It is also a subject of double annoyance because I quite forgot about this when I set this up. As such - it should be 365 rants, not 366 - which really messes with my chi!

I know that they make things a little bit neater for calendars and clocks and things - but its just annoying. I personally would prefer the extra couple of minutes a day - or whatever the hell it works out as!

As well as this, those among you who are salaried (which is pretty much everyone these days) will need to give up an extra day of your time for nought. Rubbish huh!?

It just isn't on, all this messing with the time malarky!

I don't think anyone has a particular love of leap year days. There is nout much special about today. Its just another day (which really is march 1st, but for some reason isn't.)

The only interesting traditional surrounding leap years is the whole women can propose to men thing. It's a bit different and quite nice really.

The truth is however, that we live in modern times - and women can go around proposing whenever they wish to do so.

So we've established really that no-one cares. This - surely is strictly not true though. Some people surely do care about Leap years.

The poor bastards born on February 29th. Imagine being 12 and only being 3 birthdays old! Its ludicrous and quite depressing. I'm sure for real that they probably celebrate on March 1st- but thats just not the point is it!

Leap years are just a bit rubbish really!

Rant over.

Rant 59 - 28/2/12 Subject: iTunes

Rant number 59


Apple is a company that makes great gear - like really good stuff (if a little pricey.) I am on my second mac laptop, my wife owns a mini mac. You could say we were mac fans - and if you were to say this, you would be correct.

Although I am yet to take the plunge, my wife has an iPhone, which she loves almost as much as me (in fact, I often wonder if she loves it far more. It's hard to be sure, but she does spend an inordinate amount of time playing with it - the iPhone I mean.)

The iPhone has been a huge success for Apple, and you can see why. Its pretty, its powerful, its functional and all round great. The two downsides then are the price (which is high, but probably fair) and fucking iTunes.

Getting stuff on and off of most phones is an easy experience. Pain-free if you will. You have an MP3 on your computer - you plug in mr phone and drag the MP3 over.... Nailed.

For iTunes however, life is not so simple. Every single feature seems to be made to make things hard - what a pain. Half of the time, anything you buy is encrypted to the hilt - making things awkward and meaning that you can't use them anywhere else. Then there is syncing, a process of almost mythical pointlessness.

My Laptop is my laptop and - my phone is my phone. The two are separate things. As such, there are things I want on my phone, that I do not necessarily want on my Laptop. To Apple however, and fucking iTunes - you need to keep a synced copy of everything you have ever bought on your iPhone on your computer - taking up gigabytes of space for something you will never use. Its a puzzle of epic proportion.

No wonder people jailbreak their iPhones, because iTunes can't do the simplest things right!

Getting voice memo's off of an iPhone for instance can be a right chore - when iTunes decides it just doesn't want to sync.

Then there are the endless updates it needs, at around 50mb a time - seemingly when I want to sync anything important.

I hate over-engineering in all of its forms, and iTunes is a quintessential example of this.
Pull your finger out apple, and let people use the technology they have paid good money for!

Rant over.

Rant 58 - 27/2/12 Subject: Hangovers

Rant number 58


Yesterday was a good day - and involved quite a bit of celebration.

And how do most of us celebrate? A bit of shouting, occasional dancing and - of course drinking.

I am pretty sure I remember all of yesterdays drinks, but it is hard to be sure. I definitely do remember a bit of slurring, swaying and even staggering!

I was, lets face it - quite  a bit drunk (though not so drunk as some of those around me!)

At the time (as it always - always does) it seemed a good idea to go back to the bar, to open another bottle of beer and to drain yet another glass. In the morning however, I hated myself just a little bit.

I wasn't that rough actually - very luckily. I think a combination of a kebab (that tasted great at the time, but I am pretty sure has been responsible for a slightly upset stomach all day)) and some water before I went to sleep seemed to stop the worst of it happening.

I was still hungover a little though, and it sucked. My head hurt, my stomach was a little fragile and my guts were (as aforementioned) not the best.

Hangovers seem to apply the rules of relativity to real life and causality.

Essentially - the universe doesn't want to allow you to have a good time without punishing you for it later. Its mean - it really is.

How many times have you woken up, hugging the porcelain whilst your head pounds you.

Now the sensible among you would point out that hangovers are the result of you overdoing it in the first place - making it your own fault. To these people I say - go away I have a hangover.

If someone ever does come up with a hangover cure that is foolproof - I will gladly sell them my kidney.

Rant over.

Rant 57 - 26/2/12 Subject: Popups

Rant number 57


To the observant of those out there, it will be clear that this is the second rant today! This is to make up for the rant that I will probably not be writing tomorrow, because:

I have a band contest
It has been a long week
I will have no access to anything with a real keyboard (and I hate trying to write anything over a couple of sentences on a phone keyboard)
I will probably be a little bit drunk

As such, today, I will be writing tomorrows rant.

So what is bugging me today? Bloody pop-ups.

I have a pop-up blocker on my computer (that doesn't work) and am presented none the less with hundreds of these bloody things every week. I just don't understand the point of them.

If I am reading an online article or on a forum and a pop-up informs me that I have won thousands of pounds, I am not inclined to believe it. I didn't come down in the last shower and - as we all know all too well, money just isn't that frickin' easy to come by.

So who is getting something out of it? The popup doubtless links to some horrific quiz website or something that may well have some kind of pay per click service upon it. Even with this however - each click is going to be worth a fraction of a penny - meaning that thousands of people a day have to fall for this shit!

Equally, if a pop-up actually has something relevant to say. I will still not believe it - because it is a pop-up. Its an uninvited annoyance and really does not appeal to me in any way shape or form.

I just don't get it. Its annoying, rude and just fucking awful. I am also almost completely convinced that the people who write the web browsers could stop them if they wanted to - so they really just should.

Arseholes.

Rant over.

Rant 56 - 25/2/12 Subject: Clumsiness

Rant number 56


This week at work, I head-butted a heavy duty metal bike rack.

This was not a deliberate act on my part and - to be frank hurt like a bastard.

I now have quite an swollen egg shaped patch on my head. What a pillock.

Today, a good friend of mine, as if in sympathy has broken her poor toe (much sympathy goes out to her, my head will fix itself much quicker.)

There is little to connect these events together except... clumsiness.

The human race, the animal kingdom & doubtless even the insects (and fish, why not?) share this trait. I just don't understand why its not gone by now with all the evolution that has happens thus far.

I have reasonably good hand eye co-ordination, I am reasonably good on my feet, but I am pretty bloody clumsy. I have, on more than one occasion cut myself folding labels at work (although in my defense, the backing paper is waxed - which makes the edges quite sharp,) I have stubbed my toe more times than is possibly quantifiable, I have bumped my head enough times to consider having my head permanently wrapped in bubble wrap and countless other stupid things.

I just don't know why this should be. Maybe its my brains compulsion to think of higher things all the time, leaving my body to fend for itself (its probably not that. In fact its almost certainly not that, I rarely think of higher things - except for possibly things above me when I am below them. Yes I suppose I do infrequently think of higher things.)

Maybe, its simply just the way we were designed? I mean - the way we are designed is quite complex isn't it. Robot designers have been struggling with the whole biped thing for ages, because its just hard to balance all the stuff above on two flat feet. If we were to walk on 2 legs and 2 arms, maybe accidents would drop quite a lot.

Stupid clumsiness (wondering when this lump is finally going to go)

Rant over.

Rant 55 - 24/2/12 Subject: 'Comedy' quiz shows

Rant number 55


Todays rant was another that turned around at the very last minute. On returning from band and sitting down to write todays rant (on a related subject that I shall - doubtless come to later) I flicked the TV on for some background noise.

The channel it had been left on last was 4, and so I was presented with a new 'comedy quiz' - 'The Mad Bad Ad Show'

Now don't get me wrong, I actually quite like the comedy quiz format (thus the inverted commas in this rants title.) The thing is, its horribly overused, unoriginal and to be frank - most of the time just not funny.

QI for instance is a program that I have fallen out of love with. Its format started cleverly and full of great water-cooler factoids. The guests were intelligent (with Alan Davies in place as the staple fall guy) and actually tried to answer the questions with some modicum of thought.

These days though, the guests are just idiots! The answers always have to be 'hilarious' (in their own narcissistic opinion anyway.) As a result, the only person who actually seemed to want to answer the questions is Alan Davies!

Have I got news for you was always even worse. No-one is allowed to just answer a question with something sensible - because its all about the comedy apparently. As such, they have to put in an unfunny - overly scripted (shite) joke for every question. Maybe its just me - the audience just seem to love them (or its canned laughter, but it would be unfair for me to speculate)

Going back to tonight's offering, it was the missing news story format.
I am not sure if it was intended for any of them to attempt to offer up an answer to the question that was at all relevant - but either way, they didn't.
Instead, they each took turns to throw up ever less funny answers, in an attempt at some kind of masturbatory one-upmanship.

Maybe they need to come up with something new rather than dragging an idea to death or, at the very least make some effort to balance comedy & quiz.

Who knows, maybe I'm the only one who hates this shit?

Rant over.

Rant 54 - 23/2/12 Subject: (Really frickin') Slow drivers

Rant number 54


Today, I had to head to Dobcross - a small village in Lancashire. To get there you need to drive along the A62 which is almost literally a road from hell.

It runs for miles and miles and miles at 30 mph despite little inhabited property. It then - after what seems an eternity finally steps the speed up to 40 mph (before going back to 30 again.) Along its length are many many speed cameras - just to add to the fun.

After joining the road, I - like a good little motorist joined the queue of motorists in front of me. Now it was a little annoying that the person in-front had chosen to go at about 28 mph rather than 30 mph - but I was happy to let this slide.

Finally, after an eternity of tickling the throttle, the 40 zone came into sight.
My heart literally leaped just a little at the thought of being able to perambulate at some slightly more respectable pace.

But nothing happened. At first - I thought the person in front was: in the interest of safety, literally just waiting until they had passed the sign to put their foot down.

But still nothing happened, the sedate pace of 30 mph was maintained and I began to get a little annoyed.

'Maybe - just maybe' I thought to myself, she's (for I believe a she it was, going by what I could see) just missed the sign, she'll speed up on the next one.

NO


She carried on for the whole 40 zone at fucking 30 then, slowed back down to 28 as soon as she hit the 30 zone again.

To articulate my annoyance at this, I have written a little haiku (who said my rants are not cultured)

Fucking Stupid cock
Put your fucking foot down now
You're a shit driver!

People who can't just drive at the speed limits just drive me nuts.

Half the time they are too low anyway and not following them is just disrespectful to the poor other people who have to drive around you!

Arrrrrrgggggghhh

Rant over.

Rant 53 - 22/2/12 Subject: Acceptance speeches

Rant number 53

Today, the news was dominated by the news that Adele was cut off before she could thank everyone she wanted to - causing her to recipient with a less than ladylike gesture. 

Big frickin' whoop in both respects!

The amount of time they gave her to talk was - I must admit unfairly short. Saying thank you for an award is traditional and - by the sound of it, everyone else got a more than fair shot to do so (and some more than a fair shot - but we'll come to that later.) 

In Adele's shoes in fact, I think that I would have been a little less tolerant. Fuck brandishing a pointless middle finger, I would have just carried on talking and woe betide the stupid fat fuck presenting if he decided to talk over me.

When it comes to it, we will never know how just how long Adele was likely to carry on with her thanking. The likelihood is though - that she would stay on stage long beyond her welcome, like every other self worshipping, narcissistic celeb who wins an award.

Look at Kate Winslet at the golden globes recently (another one that made the news this.) She thanked just about everyone involved, the givers of the award, the other nominees, her 'team leader', her director (in almost pornographically excruciating detail,) HBO, her producers and the rest of the cast and crew. She then goes on to even thank the drivers of the vans! Crying and oozing 'humility' from every pore. 

Two minutes she dragged it out to! Thats a long time if you have the attention span of a saint on diazepam. Imagine how if feels to be one of the losers of the award? You've got to put up with two minutes of her oozing smug 'sentiments' on the stage, while your wondering which orifice would be best for the insertion of the award.

I understand they want to say thanks to those who give the award, but anything much beyond this is just screen grabbing narcissism. 

To any reward recipients out there, a simple thank you will do. I don't care that you would like to thank your mum, your dad, your siblings, your fans, your slave, your tea boy, your ice-cream van driver and your 5th grade school teacher. Its just smug gittedness of the very highest order.

Stop it!

Rant over.

Rant 52 - 21/2/12 Subject: Middle lane jockeys

Rant number 52


Todays rant is quite specific to the motorway (merely as this is the only place you get three lanes.)

So what is my problem today?

Fuckers who perpetually hog the middle lane.

To explain this to those of you out there who don't drive (or (and I really hope there are none among my friends) those of you who do drive on the motorway and are guilty of this most terribly of sins) I will start at the beginning.

On a motorway there are three lanes. The left, the middle and the right. THEY ARE NOT DESIGNED TO BE SLOW, FASTER, FASTEST. That just how they tend to work.

The way that the motorway should be used as such is:
Left hand lane - for any vehicle at all up to 70 miles an hour.
Should this lane be inhabited in front of you by a vehicle going at less than this speed, you move to the middle lane - which is intended for vehicles in the process of overtaking those on the left.
The right hand lane then - is - you guessed it, for vehicles passing those in the proceeding two lanes.

Whether through a lack of education on their usage or through pig ignorance, people don't drive like this however. As such, for the most part, those who want to go slow stay on the left, those who want to fast go on the right and those who want to sit for eternity sit in the middle.

The this is OK on a busy motorway, but on an almost empty one, nothing is worth than people who sit in the middle lane - often at around 65mph - as if their fucking car will explode if the speedo actually hits 70 (and if I may just point out, the speedo will be naturally set under - so 70 will not even be bloody 70.)

This forces people who try and driver properly to also sit in this lane, because it is acceptable to undertake them from the left. All in all, the whole thing is a bloody mess and people just need to stop it.

Today - I overtook someone doing 63mph on the 3rd lane over on a 4 lane section of the motorway.

What the fuck is that about? You are not being a safer driver, you are just being a penis!

The middle lane is for overtaking, as is the right, try and drive properly out there people!

Rant over.

Rant 51 - 20/2/12 Subject: Idiotic comments online

Rant number 51


Today, I was viewing a video on youtube (the one where the bus driver does a full on Scandinavian flick and knocks a cyclist off of his bike. (If you haven't seen it, you really need to watch the news more.))

Underneath, as with any any youtube video, there were a variety of comments on the subject which varied quite greatly.

Mostly, they were of the 'oh my god, that's quite shocking, I am awfully shocked' type of vain.

But some were a little more extreme.

Some went along the lines of 'its all the fault of the cyclist - he was well winding up the bus driver. I would like to kill all cyclists because I am so cool'

Then others went 'Cyclists are all saints, they are better than you' etc etc.

The internet is just chocked full of this kind of bullshit argument! Like - really really full.

Youtube, forums, facebook whatever - people can't help but be dicks when they don't have to look their fellow arguers (arguists sounds like a better word but apparently I made it up... fuck it I'm going with it anyway) arguists in the eye.

Its a great way to find out who someone really is with all the filters stripped away to read what people comment on videos etc.

I for instance am just as miserable a world un-apologist in real life as I am on here - wysiwyg if you will.

To break some news to people out there, your opinion is no more valid online than it is in real life.

You are not a big man just because you put up some ridiculous opinion on a youtube video of a cat beating a printer to death. If you don't have anything at all valid to say online - just don't say it.

Oh, and comments are welcome...

Rant over.

Rant 50 - 19/2/12 Subject: Fuel prices

Rant number 50


Today it was time to fill up once again on the way to band. Another £25 into my small economical car (roughly 19 litres) will last me through to Wednesday if I am very lucky.

I will then probably put in another £25 and - low in behold, this will be gone by the end of Sunday (if not before.)

I am pretty sure that as little as 10 years ago, the first £25 quid would have lasted the week - and potentially beyond. The money just doesn't go as far - literally and figuratively.

I wouldn't even mind if this was simply because of the relative scarcity of fuel we are always being told about. It isn't though, most of the money goes to the government in one way or another.

The first of these taxes is the 'fuel duty' - which is the single most expensive thing you pay for per litre at (as of today) a whopping £0.57p per litre.

The reason for this tax then? Well, this appears to be rather a grey area to be honest. What I can find out is that they do not spend this on our roads - so the whole thing seems quite corrupt to me. Another reason for this being so high is for 'green tax' purposes.

This means simply that they use environmental reasons to fuck you over! You were right Kermit:

It's not easy being green

If they were spending the money on green fuel research I'd get it - but they aren't, its just an exuse to fuck you over.
Its not even like I have much choice - I would loose around 4 hours a week by not driving - and some of the places I need to go (like band) I can't even get to by public transport.

So moving on from there, we pay £0.47p per litre for the actual fuel (that's right, less than just a single tax.) This I understand to a certain extent, it does cost money to get this out of the ground or out of the sea. I am sure that the prices are inflated - but at least you are paying for something!

From there then we move on to VAT (Value Added Tax, for those of you not familiar.)

Hang the fuck on!? I thought we'd paid tax already. But no- we need to be taxed on the tax as well - warped logic or what!

VAT is added to things that are considered luxuries. As such - I really do think that things I use my car for that are essential - like journeys to work - should not be applicable to this. Once again - I think that the government really don't give a shit about this.

The final 5p goes to the retailer which I suppose is fair enough - considering staffing, transport, storage etc etc.

So, the villain of the piece is: resoundingly the fucking government.

We really do get fucked over in this country! Bastards

Rant over.

Rant 49 - 18/2/12 Subject: Irritating facebook trends

Rant number 49


Back to ranting about facebook we go, and this time its the current trend for these 'what I do', 'what my mum thinks I do' etc etc things.

These type ideas pop up every now and then to flood my news feed. The thing is that a quirky idea of this type is like a lamp:

One in a room is a design feature.
Two in a room even works well.
Three starts to look a little bit odd
Four in a room looks like the product of a diseased mind.

Fifty is just mental (there are lamps everywhere now and no-where to sit.)
A hundred is ludicrous and makes the room all but impenetrable.

And this applies well to how people react to these things. The first is a laugh, the second a giggle, the third a chortle, the fourth a disinterested 'meh', the fifth a grunt of impatience, the sixth a groan of annoyance - and so on and so forth until eventual suicide.

But people are going to keep making them for weeks in a pathetic attempt to jump on the bandwagon, become 'popular' and to have their cool and individual (not individual at all, because its just a variation on someone else's originality) 'idea' shared across facebook.

To these people, I say - just stop. Go somewhere quiet and think about what you did. In-fact, how about you go and think of something original instead!
I hope this fad ends soon, its getting on my tits (and you all know how hard it is to annoy me...)

Rant over.

My own individual meme - enjoy

Rant 48 - 17/2/12 Subject: H.R health and safety.

Rant number 48


It saddens me greatly to have to inform you of this my friends, but I really must. This piece of information is both important and just dreadful, so I'll say it slowly.

The......world......is......quite......dangeous


There, I said it - I'm glad that one is over with!

In days past, this applied in our home lives, in the outside world and - at work.

Luckily though, your safety is now secured in the latter of these fields, due to the quintessential joy which is H.R health and safety.

Fucking hell, do I hate this kind of HR - its bloody irritating.

Its all about preventing idiots from hurting themselves by being idiots. They are killing common sense!

I do not need a sign to tell me that a hot tap has hot water - because it is a hot water tap. That's kind of the fucking point isn't it?

A useful sign would be to tell me that a cold tap was actually hot or that it did not eject water but hydrochloric acid spitting mutant tadpoles. This kind of sign is almost certainly necessary.

I understand signs about things potentially falling on you.

Signs about floors being wet I understand.

I don't get those signs about wet floors being slippery however. Because, thats fucking obvious...surely?

It is also annoyingly ambiguous. When you say that the floor is slippery when wet - this does not describe the current state of the floor in question.

There are signs like these everywhere, to stop idiots doing their thing. How many times have you seen signs screaming 'risk of shock' on the side of an industrial electrical system of some sort. No doubt there is a risk of shock inside however, I don't look at these things and think 'I'm going to open that up and poke around in there.'
As such, this suggests that only those with a position of minor authority should be opening the thing anyway. By the advent of said authority thusly, you would like to think that these people know the risks involved and the potential electrical hazards.

As such, a sign reading 'to be accessed only by official personnel' would suffice.

Now, you could argue that an idiot would ignore this and poke around in there anyway, resulting in a zappy and untimely death. My answer to this - is that they shouldn't poke around!

So few kids have common sense these days and spelling everything out really doesn't help. Get rid of H.R health and safety idiots!

Rant over.

Rant 47 - 16/2/12 Subject: Superfluous road signage.

Rant number 47


Now, to start with, I would like to make it clear that all superfluous signage upsets me greatly. I feel however that this is too large and vast an annoyance to deal with in only one chapter.

As such, todays annoyance is most definitely the stupid road signage, and most specifically the ones you find on motorways.

It is self evident of course that road signage is an integral part of the road systems we know and love. Without them - things probably just wouldn't work.
I do feel however, that many signs can be done without.

Which brings me (via somewhat of a digression(as per usual)) to my point.

On the way to band today, on the stretch of motorway which is the highest in the country. Things suddenly went white!

'Fuck me' I exclaimed to myself, 'it appears that I have gone spontaneously blind, despite my ability to still see the lights of the car in front of me.'

As you will understand, this I felt was quite alarming. I just didn't know what to do!

Then a sign emerged out of the white blur (which I had to squint to see,) which said 'fog'. Just imagine the relief I felt: on a day when it has rained extensively, when there is a lot of water about and when I am rather high up, I never would have thought of fog!

(Regarding the above paragraphs, I realise that people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of whit. In my opinion however, the only people who say this are those who don't understand it properly.)


Are people meant to be so bereft of sense that they cannot perceive the road around them. Even when I am concentrating on operating a vehicle at high speed, I can still look out of the windscreen and notice that there is some white cloudy stuff in front of me.

Its really laughable (and irritating) to have to squint through the fog to see what the stupid sign says - in case it is more relevant than telling me the frickin obvious.

'Well, what if its only lightly foggy?' I hear you cry 'what then smarty pants?'. 


Firstly, I would ask you not to interrupt me whilst I'm on a tirade, its rude of you and I would have expected better behavior. Secondly, your question has a most obvious answer, so I am once again disappointed in you. Finally, to put it bluntly

If I can't see any fog in front of me that is effecting me in any way shape or form, it is more distracting than useful to tell me about it!


And these stupid signs are not resigned only to the pointless fog notifications described above.
No
They work with traffic too.
I have literally lost count of the times I have sat in stop start traffic and crawled towards a sign that says 'queueing traffic.' I fucking know: I'm in it!
They also do this with 'queue after junction' another firm favorite of theirs.

They even go as far as to tell you succinctly 'spray, slow down.' When you could nearly swim on the fucking motorway.

The people who run them are bloody morons!

Rant over.

Rant 46 - 15/2/12 Subject: The pathetic excuse monger I heard about today.

Rant number 46


On the way home from work today, being a creature of common habit - I listened to radio 1's Newsbeat.

Newsbeat is useful, as it summarises the news that has been happening whilst I've been stuck at work all day. Its also quite light and airy and tends to not spoil my revelry at heading homeward.

Its format is simple. They talk about a couple of news stories - then find some kind of oik or oiks to interview. I don't know where they find these idiots - but its almost always entertaining to listen to their uninformed, naive and shortsighted (chavvy) opinions.

Today however, was just a little different. The subject was about the rising levels of unemployment (particularly amongst our youngsters alas.) We all know its happening, and its really not something we can fix ourselves.
As per usual, the format was followed and they found someone to interview. The thing is, rather than amuse me today with this guys idiocy, I felt a combination of pity that someone like this exists, and seething rage at his complete lack of giving a shit.

After finding his name (and the respective interview) on the Newsbeat website (find it at http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/17038484 if you would like to be annoyed too,) I would like to pass on a message to Ben Gillet - should he ever come across this rant:

Suck it up and grow a pair!


Yes, life is hard. Yes, jobs have become scarce. Yes its hard to find jobs as a young person.
But you are 25 you wanker (a year younger than I am,) grow up and stop making excuses.

He has been out of work for 3 years, and now - rather than trying to get another job - he spends his time playing video-games. He also kept up a smoking habit and yet stated it was too expensive to spend money getting in to town each day.

I have never been long term unemployed. In fact, after being made redundant from my last job, it took me a total of 10 working days to get another one. Any job can be challenging, but I have too much self pride to take handouts - like so many of us that work hard every day.

It seems to me, that he is too busy feeling hard done by to treat job-seeking like a job, because it should be! There may be less jobs than there should be, but if you are not picky - the work is out there! This wanker spends all of his time playing computer games. I like games - but I only get a limited chance to play them outside of my adult life.

A member of staff started recently at my work, at a younger age and with no work experience. This was because she made the right effort, put herself out there and made the effort.

I am not really trying to pick on this guy in particular - I know that some other people have been out of work for a while too. I'd like to think however that they are making more effort than this imbecile.

Its just frustrating to work so hard, pay so much tax in a country that is struggling - and see someone so defeated by themselves. No-one is going to give anyone a chance who is so self defeating.

That the jobseekers office has allowed this to happen is almost worse. Has no-one thought of putting him onto some kind of work program or something? Even some voluntary work would be of an advantage at this point.

With this guys weedling entitled tone, it seems little surprise that he has not found himself some kind of job.

It really annoyed me. Listen to the interview if you want and see what you think.

Rant over.

Rant 45 - 14/2/12 Subject: The Valentine extremes

Rant number 45


Today is valentines day. Happy valentines to you and all that.

As a result, facebook, twitter and just about anything else you can think of is flooded with valentines messages.

These come in two distinct flavors:

The lovee dovee 'I love you schnucums,' kind of message
and the
'I hate valentines day, its a conspiracy against singles' kind of message.

I, frankly am a little bit indifferent to the former. If ever there is a time when it is acceptable to shout your love for each other from the rooftops, today is it (though don't take the piss huh people?)

I am also a little indifferent to the latter however, I am slightly more affected by this. I understand that valentines is a little in your face if you are single (and we've all been single on valentines day.)

What I must say however, is that the idea of it is not to upset anyone.

By the very advent of its subject matter - it is about making a gesture of love and devotion to your significant other. To think that it is some kind of partnered person based conspiracy against the singletons implies some kind of war that just doesn't exist.

The other arguments against valentines day are, to a certain extent valid. That it is to a certain extent a 'hallmark holiday' (if you are not familiar with this term, it suggests that the rather low brow holiday is perpetuated by big companies in order to sell products like cards,) and this is indeed very true. Red roses are painfully expensive to send to your significant other at this time of year. It is also expected that you will buy them a nice card, a fluffy teddy bear, a box of chocs, a nice meal and whatever else takes your fancy.

To this I must say once again, that anything that is about love and positivity really can't be that bad.

Finally, no couple should need a particular day to actually focus on each other and share their love. If you need to wait for February the 14th to articulate how you feel about your significant other, there is something wrong with you!

In summary, don't be extreme and particularly - if you are single and don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.

Rant over.

Rant 44 - 13/2/12 Subject: Martyred celebrity syndrome

Rant number 44


I'm sure you have heard by now that Whitney Houston is dead. Its a sad loss of life at only 48, it really is.

I get that.

What's annoying me though, is the endless talk of her, as if she was a bloody saint. Because- to break a bit of news to you all.

She          just          wasn't.

She was famous for repeated visits to rehab for drug and alcohol addiction. Once again - its sad but true.


Now, todays rant isn't about Whitney. Its just inspired by her - because I am fed up of the sycophantic rubbish that comes along every time a celebrity takes a step too far and dies.

I know it is not traditional, to speak ill of the dead - and I'm not suggesting that anyone spends time speaking about the bad points. What I don't want to hear is endless stories etc about how bloody brilliant they were - with no mention of the darker truth.

If I'm very unfair to Whitney for instance. No-one has spoken her name in any big way in years. She was old news and - following repeated abuse of her body and some resultantly bad concerts, she wasn't going to be making any front pages any time soon. Except for in one situation...

And we know what one that is don't we?

The press at the moment are talking about her as if she was a modern day great, a current shining star. And she just wasn't alas.

Amy Winehouse was unfortunately quite the same. Her career had peaked and was falling and - with her inability to stop snorting, inhaling, injecting and quaffing - it wasn't going anywhere quickly. After though, there was little talk of the truth of her addiction.

What we should all realise, is that just because they are celebrities, it does not mean that they have some armor against the stresses of their chosen profession. The media push them so far that escapism seems to be the only way out for some - with the direst consequences sometimes. They then continue to turn them into saints and martyrs, its just silly.

How about someone talking about the addiction and struggles of Whitney. Why not tell the glazed over masses the truth for a change? How about that?

And worst of all, are the endless notes of condolence, flowers, facebook updates and various other personal messages to someone you don't really know. It just seems to be all about being seen to be caring - as opposed to really having an opinion.

Death is sad, but it happens to us all sooner or later. When a tragedy like this happens, rather than creating a saint, maybe we should take a look at the way we treat our 'stars'

Whitney was the baby of the 80s & 90s, but it didn't last. Imagine being a household name, then being a footnote. It had to hurt.

What a mess.

Rant over.

Rant 43 - 12/2/12 Subject: The overuse of twist endings

Rant number 43


This one goes out to you - M Night Shyamalan.

What kind of name is that anyway? He sounds like a really knaff superhero. And we all know what superpower he would have don't we? The ability to invent pointless 'twist endings' (of the variety you can see coming from 4 miles away.

Anyway - this is not a rant about mr Shylamlan. It just happens to be, that he is guilty of this more than often.

The 'twist ending' in a movie.

Now the occasional movie having a twist is fine. I quite like to be genuinely surprised - astounded even. But the thing is, a twist ending is like a good steak.

I love steak (mmmm steak.) Its tasty and yummy (especially with peppercorn sauce.)
Love it though I do however, I could not eat steak for every meal (for the sake of my bowels - if nothing else.)

A twist ending is just the same. Films are all about cliché's and conventions by necessity (unless you are talking about art house films, which no-one actually likes,) but good films try and be original with these.
A twist ending is lazy storytelling and almost always disappoints me.

Now until recent times, a twist ending was not used a great deal in film. In fact it was pretty rare until...

Mr Shyamalan broke onto the scene with his blockbusting hit 'The 6th Sense.'

Now I would be doing him a bit of a disservice not to admit that the film is OK on first watching. The thing is that - because it is a film all about a twist - it becomes pointless to watch again. I love films that I can re-watch over and over again.

The second time I watched the sixth sense, it was just a rather dull pedestrian plod of a film (and one that regrettably has allowed Mr Shyamalan to make some even worse movies like 'The Village' and 'The Happening'(God almighty is that film fucking awful. I mean, its just so fucking stupid. And the characters are really really shit and the whole thing is a complete mess(the films really really bad people, if you haven't watched it thus far, don't do it. Rub salt in your eyes instead or something along those lines, it will have about the same effect(though don't actually do that people, I am exaggerating, your eyes are not playthings, don't rub anything in your eyes!))))

After this film came along as well, everyone thought it was important to put a twist in their movie in order for it to be valid. As such - it became a twist not to have a twist in a movie. How screwed up is that crap!

All in all, don't be lazy in your storytelling. Impress me with what you have to say in your story. Don't fall back on lazy cliches!

Rant over.

Rant 42 - 11/2/12 Subject: Parking!

Rant number 42


An unavoidable part of owning a car is having to park it somewhere. At home, this means my parking space (which some fucker parks in infrequently - but I've already talked about that,) and anywhere else, it means parking on a street or in a car park.

The things is, that its all a bit of a ball-ache. It really is a conspiracy against drivers!

I would like to drive my car into town on a Saturday, I really would. This would mean that I could leave whenever I wanted to and buy large, cumbersome and hard to transport by hand items with ease.

But I don't.

Because it costs a bloody fortune! In our town centre, it costs about a pound an hour to house your car in a space that is approximately 2.5 metres long and about about 1.5 metres wide. Its bloody preposterous.

Going by this. This roughly 4 square metre space would cost £8760 a year to rent (and it doesn't even have indoor plumbing or a roof.)

As such, I walk down the big hill and pay £1.30 to get a bus back up it with the goods I have acquired.

I don't always have this choice however (the hill is quite big, but it doesn't lead everywhere I need to go alas,) and so sometimes I have to pay stupid money to park my bloody car in a bloody car park.

And these, are bloody awful too! Multi-storeys particularly.

You have to drive roundd endlessly, trying to get a space whilst glaring at the other people doing the same thing. Once you have located the space - its usually by a bloody pillar - leaving you to wonder if your car will fit sensibly or if you are risking your paintwork.

Now - I understand that pillars are an architectural necessity: without them, the above floors tend to fall in. What I don't get however, is the fact that they do not allow larger parking spaces next to them. Look round any multi-storey car park and I can guarantee that there will be spaces next to nearly all the pillars until the car park is almost at capacity.

Now, personally - I would prefer to park on the streets (and fold in my wing mirrors,) for nout. The problem is, that the councils like to make money from car parks. As such - all stretches of road either receive parking meters also - or are given yellow lines.

Should you manage to find a space that isn't like this, it will be in the kind of neighborhood you shouldn't leave your car - so you are buggered all ways.

It really is bloody unfair. Set of shits!

Rant over.

Rant 41 - 10/2/12 Subject: Hiding behind religion

Rant number 41


So - religion. A touchy subject.


To begin with, I must say that I have no problem with anyones religion (I almost said beliefs then, but actually - the beliefs is exactly the part I have an issue with.) I have friends of various different religions and faiths, both devout and disinterested. I'm not singling out anyone here.


I believe wholeheartedly that all religions are quintessentially pretty similar. This is not a fact that people like however, its true. Whether god or gods, pope or plain pews. All religions are designed to instill a set of ideals which are - by definition pretty similar once again. (I understand that the above may offend someone however, read the rest of the post. If you are still bothered - I don't really care)


Although there are various theories about religion being a good way to control people (and it is) another thing that I would like to believe about all religions is that, somewhere along the lines, they are all about good intentions. If they weren't, they wouldn't have made it this far - surely.


And with this in mind, this is why I get so fucking livid about people who do something disgusting then says that God/Allah or whoever you wish to cite told them to do so via their holy book.


When looking at the bible, the Quran or whatever. You've got to remember that these books are thousands of years old and were written by people. God did not pick up his laptop and whack out a copy of the bible a couple of thousand of years ago.


Now you can argue that people were acting as his conduit in this respect however,


there is still no way that such a book could be written without some kind of bias from humans - not to mention humans in the ancient world.


As such, your scripture - which is often open to interpretation anyway is not the direct word of god.


Ipso facto: You can't persecute someone because your magic book says so.


Today, 3 Muslim men were jailed for putting up posters stating that gay people should receive the death penalty. Come again!?


What kind of person thinks that that is acceptable behavior - or genuinely believes this kind of thing? Assholes.


Now this would be one thing on its own. Its sickening, revolting behavior - but not unique.
What they said after however, made my blood boil!
By all accounts: 'they were simply doing their duty as Muslims to condemn sinful behavior in society'
I really hope that they receive the ultimate irony in the showers (twice a night and 3 times on weekends.)


And this is not just a tirade about Islam. Because the christians do it too, the Hindu's do - and all the other religions do too. 


Religion should be about good values and faith. Too often though its about hate and persecution. Homophobes hide behind religion, terrorists site religion as the reason for how they behave - hell, even complete psychopaths on death row say that god told them to.


Its sad, it really is. 


A message to anyone out there who behaves in this way: 
The next time you want to do something hateful, to persecute someone, to hurt them because they are different from you - do it off your own back YOU FUCKING COWARD. Your god or gods does not want you to behave in this way.


You people make me sick!


Rant over.

Rant 40 - 9/2/12 Subject: Cold callers

Rant number 40


Todays rant is - lets face it - something that annoys us all. I don't know why its taken me so long to cover the subject in fact.

So - lets get down to it!

Sales people are mostly cocks. I should know - I used to be one and - and I was good at it by being - you guessed it - a bit of a cock!

So you take a sales person cock then and add in the one of the most irritating mediums of communication ever formulated - the telephone and what do you get.

A very good way to make me go fricking psycho.

Being a telesales person is almost like a criminal act.
You push your way in and invade the sanctity of someone's home, place of work or (in the case of a mobile phone,) just about anyone you can get to them.

Answering your phone is very like answering the front door to someone like that. Just the kind of person you don't want with his foot in the door.

Once in, they begin to talk - and talk and talk, and part of you thinks that its as easy as putting the phone down and thus closing the door on them.

It doesn't work like that though - because, once they have your scent and they know that real person exists on the end of the phone. They will follow you like a hound of frickin hell.

As such, you have to go through their stupid systems or listen to their speal to get them to remove you from their list or just plain fuck off.

Now the reason for their persistence is simple. They want you to accept what they have to offer or at the very least- move on to the next step so that an even pushier sales person can work their magic on you. Otherwise they don't get paid.

To give you some top tips however:

If someone wants to sell you something for your house: You rent (whether you do or not,) telling them this will remove you from their list permanently.

If they want to sell you something to doing with a mobile phone: You have a bad credit rating(whether you do or not,) once again, they will not want anything to do with you.

If they want to sell you some kind of service: Tell them its included in your bank account - this usually shuts these idiots up.

If everyone pays attention to this - hopefully we can kill the industry off.

Because - I mean: its fucking ridiculous isn't it.

If I want double glazing for my house, I will go online, get some quotes, get some research etc. I'm not going to wait for some spotty teenager to phone me up to ask me if I need any windows or doors. That this industry has managed to continue in this way at all is of a complete mystery to me. Who are these people out there who get a phone call offering them windows and go 'Fuck me, I actually could do with some windows'?

These idiots compound the problem and are a nuisance as much as the telemarketers themselves!

Its the same with all different types of businesses. You get stalked by ambulance chasers, insurance salesman - people who offer you loans even. A LOAN!

To give a bit of advice to anyone. If you want a loan for something important - visit your bank. Don't accept a loan from a dodgy bloke from an Indian call centre who suggests you may be eligible for thousands for no apparent reason.

Even charities have stooped to using telemarketers these days and I just don't agree with it.

I find the phone a pain in the ass to talk on even if I have initiated a call or if I am phoned by a friend or relation. I really don't want to here from something in the far east who wants to flog me a time share.

If you really want to have some fun - say 'yes' to everything a telemarketer asks you the next time they phone. See how long it takes them to work it out.

Rant over.

Rant 39 - 8/2/12 Subject: Trouble in t' Falklands

Rant number 39


Britain used to be a big empire. We ruled! We had a kick ass navy, we had possession and control of countries all around the world. That's what we did!

But we don't any more.

Like a naughty bully, caught with every ones lunch money - we have had to give back the countries to their original owners (apologising when prompted by our mum, head bowed and far from shameful) leaving us almost back to where we started.

We have however managed to retain a couple of bits and bats around the world. Australia is still under our sovereignty for instance, Gibraltar is too, 14 Sovereign states remain in total.

For the most part, this means that they get a bit of our flag (often in the corner of their own flag,) and a visit every now and then from the royal family. Most of them actually quite like this. They're happy to be part of it - and they don't mind it when the queen visits as long as she wipes her feet on the way in and promises to make Phillip behave(she succeeds at this most of the time...)

There is one problematic part of the Sovereign states however - the Falklands.

It's not actually the Falklands doing. They don't seem that bothered with being a Sovereign state. The issue falls with Argentina - off which cost the Falklands is located.
They don't think it belongs to us though, they want it back! and with the risk of sounding rather unpatriotic, I can't help but see their point.

You see, us owning the Falklands, is pretty much the same as them (or any other country for that matter) owning Northern Ireland or the Isle of Man. It just doesn't make much sense.

This of course is old news. Thirty one years ago, there was a pretty vicious war in which many died for just this squabble and, under Maggie bloody Thatchers nut-cracking rule - we put the boot in and retained possession.

The thing is, it's all starting to happen again - and we are still holding on to that lunch money like the idiotic bully we are so capable of being.

As the anniversary approaches, we have - just by co-incidence - decided to send down a humongous billion pound warship to sit in the waters around the Falklands. It's got nothing to doing with staking our territory out or anything really.

We as a country - do not have the money to need such a pointless war to happen again. We cannot however really afford to let go of the resources the island allows us access to. Thus, we are stuck between some granite & a biker bar...

I just hope the bloody Tories can not stir things up this time round.

Rant over.

Rant 38 - 7/2/12 Subject: Harbouring the bad guys

Rant number 38


I genuinly hate racism. I really do.

The thing is, that in the modern world, our multicultural world, our world of emigration & immigration, racism has to be dealt with in a more grown up way than it is.

Regrettably, we - the UK (and the US too, with whom we are often considered) have spent hundreds of years coming up with ways to cause upset around the world, and particularly - the middle east.

This in itself has become a bigger and bigger problem as the years have gone by and now has come to a bit of a head. Because:

• People out there hate you - though they have never met you
• People out there want to hurt you - in any way they can
• People out there would happily kill you, just for the colour of your skin & your assumed religion

Brilliant huh?

We call these people terrorists, though I can happily think of many words for them will less sylabels...

Now war is one thing. A soldier's profession is to kill or be killed. I hate it that anyone has to die for petty squabbles, but this is the way things are with us being a warlike and frankly idiotic people (and when I say people, I mean whatever fucking colour you may be or whatever god you worship.) It's hardwired into our D.N.A.

The problem is, that terrorists care only about statements, not about people. As such - in the name of their religion, their race, or whatever brainwashed bullshit they feel is appropriate, they kill women, children, innocent people - and it makes me so sick and upset to be of the same race as them (and once again, I mean human race.) 

Anyone who is involved with terrorism in any way, shape or form should not be commended with a single human right because - by the very advent of the way they have behaved, they have prooved themselves to be of a baser species.

Which brings me to my point. The harboring of terrorists for 'human rights' reasons.

Today, it was ruled that Abu Qatada - radical clerical - insightful of hatred and wanted in his own bloody country was not able to be deported back there. I mean - (and I hate to say this)

WHAT THE FUCK!

By imprisoning him here 'without trial' in the UK (bear in mind here, that he is wanted all around the world) he has already actually been given a compensation payout (See previous point,) and now he is to be released from prison on parole, it is going to cost the country (and in proxy, us the taxpayer) an absolute fortune making sure that someone does not cave the back of his head in. 

It's just not fair. It really isnt. I don't care what they do to him back there - but he deserves every bit of it (and more no doubt.) As stated, I don't agree that he is human by his actions - so human rights do not apply to him. Personally having a hundred hungry sparrows employed exclusively to peck his testicals on a 4 minute interval would be too good for this piece of scum.

And its not the first time that this has happened. Abu Hamza, was allowed to stay despite hating us, raising up groups of terrorists, planning our deaths - and preaching the worst kind of rhetoric to the impressional asian youth.

He also, lets face it - had a hook for a hand, like a bond villian.

I mean, really - is that the kind of people we need in the UK.

Our government need to stop this rediculous reverse racism. Evil is evil in any form, and in any colour. Get rid of them - so that they can recieve the punishments that they deserve so very much.

Rant over.

Rant 37 - 6/2/12 Subject: Closing my road

Rant number 37


I live on a little rat run road - just off one of the main roundabouts heading out of huddersfield.

As such - it seems that they find ways to close it from time to time, and its a pain in the ass.

I wouldn't mind if the reasons were transparent, easy to find out - and useful.

It seems that this time however, they are doing it just to piss me off.


I admit that pissing me off is probably too easy (see this blog for proof of this,) but none the less - them trying to piss me off well, pisses me off!

Like any rat run, there are only two exits to my road which go anywhere. A junction at one end - heading towards Ainley top roundabout, and at the other end, the aforementioned rather large roundabout.

Now, this time round - they have blocked off (and I mean completely blocked off - they are not fucking about I tell you) the end with the junction on, as well as the opposite road. I just don't know why this is. I am guessing that something is being done to the traffic lights. But no-one has thought to tell the residents why this is or what is going on.

This forces me to use one of the busiest roundabouts in the whole bloody town - and means that I am having to go in the opposite direction to where I am heading every bloody day. Also - because the road I am emerging from is essentially closed - getting a chance to pull out has become nie on impossible.

Once again, this may be perfectly neccasery maintence or whatever. I have not seen however a single worker so far, a roadworks sign or any indication of why they have felt the need to make my morning commute that little bit more miserable than it already is.

I mean, why do they have to shut off my road anyway? Do something about the potholes that are deep enough to hide a midget in or something.

I hope this doesn't last for bloody long anyway, or I'm going to have to phone the idiots at the council to actually find out whats going on. Wankers!

Rant over.

Rant 36 - 5/2/12 Subject: Silly things my brain does (or doesn't as the case may be)

Rant number 36
My brain is pretty damn good you know? It has a two high resolution cameras, a playback function, loads of memory & lots of versatility. If it was a computer - my brain would be a pretty expensive one you know?

But like a computer, my brain has its silly flaws, and these things bloody annoy me.

I had a rant in mind earlier, and I'm almost sure it was a humdinger!

The thing is, its gone now, lots in an invalid memory (in this case a brain cell gone to the dogs or which has been allocated to helping remember the lyrics to the birdy song.) It will probably come back to me. But it will be on another day when I don't need it, so it won't be

This kind of thing happens to me a lot! Sometimes, I will need a word for something - a word that I know & have used many times. I then find that I have forgotten the word I need to use.
The thing is - I can't even really ask someone else for the word can I, because - lets face it - the way to describe the word I need is to use it!

The good news is that the words do always come back, but usually just after its usage has been rendered pointless.

Another thing I (as with many folk) get is Deja Vu. Its doesn't tend to be of any harm, but feels really - really weird.
Because I am also a little paranoid (a perfectly sane reaction to the insanity of the modern world I think you will find) I can't help but worry that I really have been to these places or seen these people before! I mean - who is to say that the bit of your brain that goes 'you really possibly couldn't have been here or seen this person before' is the correct and sane one!

My brain also does weird stuff with strange thoughts etc.

How many times have you found yourself wondering exactly why cows are called cows? (If the answer to this is 0 - you have evidently never lived,) why donkeys are not just called mini horses, why ducks quack and why their quacks do not echo (according to popular myth)

Your brain does thousands of these pointless quantifications every day...

And at night! Well then your brain loves to keep you awake when its time for sleep. It's bloody ridiculous - it really is. I don't want to sit awake at night worrying about the modern world - but it appears I have no choice.

My brain probably just needs a factory reset!

Rant over.

Rant 35 - 4/2/12 Subject: People who exaggerate everything

Rant number 35


If there is one thing that gets on my nerves. Its people who exaggerate everything. They are literally the most annoying thing in the world! Ever.

Bloody irritating isn't it?


Life is sadly full of mediocrity. This applies to things both good and bad. As such, stubbing your toe is not the worst pain you have ever felt. An ice-cream is probably not the best thing you have ever tasted. You are not dying of boredom, you are not freezing cold (unless you are actually encased in it - in which case, you should probably try and do something about that.)

Nor are you boiling hot unless you are:

• Currently human 100 degrees celsius - in which case you are probably going to die
• Actually some kind of liquid with a boiling point of body temperature.

We all do it, but why!?

We all know that there is no way that one of our friends almost died of laughter - otherwise we might feel the need to offer them a little condolence - and suggest that they buy a Roy Chubby Brown DVD (no chance of any laughs there!)

There is also no way that I could say that Twilight absolutely and totally has to be the worst book ever. This would be grossly unfair of me.

Jordan writes books after all...

When someone gets on your nerves - you might say you want to kill them. You might even say that you would do something horribly unpleasant to them using a tube of KY jelly, a partially fossilised kookaburra, a packet of maltesers and a small Albanian goat herder called Hans. 

Truth be told however, most of us do nothing of the sort (particularly the latter - but mostly the former.)

In print we get even worse. It's too easy to add an explanation mark or even 2 - 3 - 4 (or in the case of the particularly diseased of mind) even more to the end of a sentence that does not require any!!!!!

We can also write things in bold, underlined & italics. Which are all just ways of exaggerating the point.

Particularly on facebook, people are guilty of these shameless abuses of good grammatical practice.

In my humble opinion, it is never ever ever ever appropriate to exaggerate and you will make very very angry to do so!!!! 

Seriously though, don't exaggerate so much people. Its annoying

Rant over.

Rant 34 - 3/2/12 Subject: Early starts

Rant number 34


Today's rant is going to have to be brief. I've got an early start

I hate early starts!

My brain is not wired for the early start. Nothing really starts working properly until around 11am at the very least. And I'm pretty sure that most people are quite the same as me.

So why do we have to have them? Its just bloody silly really.

I am sure that a sane person would say to me 'its to doing with daylight. Its traditional that we work throughout the day'

And it is yes. But - if you think about it. Its kinda stupid.

At this time of year, I get up in the dark - leave in the morning gloom. Spend my daylight hours in my office (which has lighting) and leave in the dark.

Why not move the working hours around a bit. Shake it up if you will! That way you might see some daylight once in a while.

The man who thought of getting up early - particularly on the weekend - was an evil one who should be getting burned in effigy every year!

Going back to my point in general. The thing I don't understand is why we have to be so bloody awful in the morning. I would love to be able to flow into consciousness looking cool & feeling happy.

I don't though. I look like a bleary-eyed, bloodshot, crazy haired caveman, ugging my way through the first few minutes & trying hard not to defile my feet whilst having my morning jimmy riddle.

If I was to wake at noon every day - I really think I wouldn't be like it! But then - maybe I would get used to it, and so - then that would seem like an early start.

There really is no way to win. Bugger

Rant over.

Rant 33 - 2/2/12 Subject: The defanging of vampires

Rant number 33


I am not sure why, but today - the subject of 'Twilight' reared its ugly head.

It is generally not advisable for me to talk about Twilight - because - honestly, I would prefer to make friends with a large black man called 'Bubba' who wants to play mummies and daddies with me in the shower than have anything to do with that puerile crap trap.

(By the way - in regard to the last sentence - I am exaggerating a little, no offers please)

Dracula is a fantastic & terrifying book. Count Dracula is a suave & sophisticated yes. You could even go as far as charming. He is however also - murderous and truly evil.

Because Dracula is such a good book, and because the very idea of vampires is quite creepy: many many books have been written on the subject.

And for years and years, vampires have continued to be creepy. Sometimes completely inhuman, sometimes with a semblance of humanity, the fear aspect has almost always held true until recent years.

Then - the very prolific author Anne Rice - did something that was to have disastrous consequences for the genre. She began to look at the more human aspect of vampires - with the fantastic 'Interview with a Vampire.'

There is absolutely nothing wrong with these books actually. I've enjoyed the ones I have read. The thing is that they began to dilute the vampire legend - paving the way for talentless hacks like Stephenie Meyer.

Twilight - is not something I have read watched or wish to do so. As such - you can choose whether I am being fair to it or not with todays rant.

However, if I may bullet point my issues with it:

• Vampires should be scary
• Vampires should not be pretty boys with all the charisma of a plant pot
• Vampires are undead, thus - shagging or lusting after vampires is NECROPHILIA
• Making vampire books all about sex is lazy and heavy handed, considering that the inherent fear of vampires comes from the fact that they are a potent metaphor for rape.

And Twilight isn't alone. A plague of this 'vampires are romantic' shite has come along.

The worse thing of all, is that it can only go down hill from here if we aren't careful.

Soon - vampires won't have fangs any more and will drink fruit juices and shit fucking rainbows.

Even now, my beloved horror section at my local book shop has been transformed into a section called:

(I really hate to say this. I really do. Even typing it makes me feel like a complete wanker - really)

Dark Romance. (There, I said it. Happy now!?)

Because - it seems that more people want to shag vampires than read about them as the terrifying essence stealing creatures that they should be.

When did necrophilia become socially acceptable anyway? Beats me. 

Rant over.

Rant 32 - 1/2/12 Subject: The negatives of Facebook

Rant number 32


I've made it a month without missing one. Not bad going ey!

So what is annoying me today?

Facebook requests.

I like Facebook. It's good to communicate with my friends, laugh at their status updates, admire their pictures etc etc.

The thing is, as with anything that seems too good to be true, it - well - isn't.

So what pisses me off:

To start with - the aforementioned status updates.

For the most part, my friends will upload funny tidbits about their days, talk about their plans etc.

This is just fine. I like to read about these things. Sometimes I will even add my own witticisms to their comments section - because I'm that kinda guy, you know?

What drives me nuts however, are those who don't understand that Facebook is not really the best place to share your problems or recite your woes

Because - lets face it - you don't really know that many people in your 'friends' list very well.

Mostly your friends list is full of acquaintances. They really don't want to know that you are feeling 'really down' or that you hate your job or any of that trash. Putting these comments up as such - is just attention seeking rubbish.

If you really are that upset, or if you have genuine problems - pick up your mobile phone and call someone who is actually your friend - or send them an e-mail or something.

Just for the record - I have blocked people for this behavior... Which I would like to call 'Fwhinging' (Facebook-Whinging.)

Another annoying thing people do on Facebook, is invite me to every event possible. I have friends all around the country on my list. With all respect, I am not going to attend a gig in Southampton because a minor acquaintance cannot be bothered to properly organise their invite list!

I am sure that you love your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband or sundry other. That's lovely - really it is.
I know that also - you wish to shout your love from the rooftops. But you shouldn't - really.
If you wish to declare your love for your beloved digitally, send them a text message, email them or - if you really must use Facebook to do so. Press that 'send private message' button.
It makes me cringe when I see a facebook message that says 'I love you *insert generic & slightly cringeworthy pet name*' followed by an equally painful reply! Just don't do it.

Now the above will get me annoyed. Don't doubt it. But if you really want me to twitch with seething rage. Invite me to play 'Hidden Chronicles,' 'Bubble With Saga,' 'Gnometown,' 'Castleville' or any of the myriad other games on Facebook.

If you have so much spare time on your hands that you can spend all day playing on this shit - bully for you - but I really don't want to be involved.

I like games alot, but do not really consider Facebook to be the best place to enjoy them.

I consider all of this behavior to be quite quintessentially anti-social.

The hint is in the name - Social Networking - so don't be an idiot - please

Rant over.